tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3008045921051544942024-03-13T08:11:11.125-07:00Chasing DadCatiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.comBlogger123125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-45933434427050529202015-09-07T02:13:00.003-07:002015-09-07T02:13:50.777-07:00September 7, 2015<span style="color: #222222; letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">The day has arrived. It officially has been one year since my Dad died. It is a new world without him. Things that I would have told him are left unsaid.........memories are treasured.....gratitude is ever present for who my father was to me and so many others. he will be treasured by many for years to come.........and as long as I live, he will live on as well........there is a piece of immortality for each of us as we love those around us......who we are and how we treat others lives on........</span><br />
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September 7, 2014 - Evening</h3>
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This long day is nearly over for me. I have not slept since my Dad died. I am exhausted. I need to go to bed. The thought of it causes my stomach to squeeze and tears to sting my eyes. As if.....sleeping for the first time and then awaking in the morning will make it all real.<br />
It is real. I know this. There are complications to all of this as well. Things that I really can't talk about here. My focus is to get through the funeral on Wednesday, after that I can work with the hole in my heart a bit easier. I want to pick up my phone and call my dad. I want to hear him say "Hi Slick"....just one more time..........</div>
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Funeral Information</h3>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Funeral information for my Dad, Wayne Green,</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">is Wednesday September 10, 2014 at Temple Hill Baptist Church, 1601 West Division St Cadillac, MI. 11 am is the visitation followed by the funeral service at Noon. A luncheon will be served afterwards.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">We wanted to have it all in one day since a large majority of those who will attend must travel a fairly long distance. This way it can be a day trip with no hotel needed. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">In Lieu of flowers you can donate to the family or Heartland Hospice. Obituary to be in the newspapers in Cadillac Michigan and Three Rivers Michigan.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Is this real......or is it all just a really terrible dream?</span></span><br />
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September 7, 2014 - Morning</h3>
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I want to share about my father's passing......somehow it seems far too intimate to put into words. I will say that all of his children that could be there were there and his wife....we created a circle around his bed speaking love to him as he moved from this world to the next.<br />
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I have prepared bodies for transfer to the funeral home on many occasions. It is always a true honor. This time it was truly a sacred honor as my siblings and I made that journey together. </div>
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Once his body was removed for the trip to the funeral home. I knew that I must take my trip home. I needed the safe warm arms of my husband. I didn't have any sleep on top of 3-4 hours per night for the last however many nights......but I knew today was the only day I had to spend with my husband after having been hours away from him for nearly a week. It feels good to be home. </div>
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My heart called out for my father to be with me as I drove. I didn't feel him.....I just felt empty. I spoke to my daughter as I was getting close to home and soon I felt him show up........My children are pretty amazing.....(really....I am so blessed both of my sons and my daughter have been there for me and supported me through communication and love). My daughter has a gift and I know that she helped me find my dad this morning. As I pulled into our driveway and came into the house.....I was greeted by the warm safe arms of my husband who just let me cry and talk....and cry some more. I know.....There is a hole larger than I ever thought possible in my heart and I will miss, forever the feel of my fathers whiskers on my face as he hugged me and kissed me, the callused strong hands that would grab hold of me and pull me tight into his chest and hold me until I knew I was loved.......<br />
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This is a photo of my father holding my hand before he died, I am so happy to have this.......</div>
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For those of you mourning my Dad's death, or any other loss. Feel free to continue to follow my blog. It may get a bit messy, but I will be writing a post every day for the next year to track my healing. </div>
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Thank you and big hugs for all who have followed along. I appreciate the time you took to read (and yes, the spelling errors and grammar errors were terrible, but that should get better now!) and get to know my father and love him.</div>
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September 7, 2014 </h3>
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Sunday September 7, 2014 at 1:28 am<br />
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This day and time will be etched in all of our hearts forever more as the day that we lost my Dad.<br />
He was a Son, Brother, Husband, Father, Cousin, Uncle, GrandFather, Great GrandFather, Friend, and Mentor, and more to more people than can be counted.<br />
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And so it is.<br />
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More to come, but for now that is enough.</div>
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Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-26445121318542000192015-09-06T19:13:00.000-07:002015-09-06T19:13:07.406-07:00September 6, 2015<span style="color: #222222; letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">The last full day of my dad's life was one year ago today. He died in the early hours of September 7th 2014. Again, scroll to the bottom of the September 6th posts and read up. The most significant memory that I have is the very last post........I was between having a father and having lost a father...........there is an incredible difference between the two. The words are so similar, it seems like a smooth transition. The truth is, it is like night and day between having a father and having lost a father........forever more I have lost a father, forever more I will miss his laughter, his hugs, and his lofe for me......forever more I will cherish who my father was and be grateful for everything he gave to me.</span><span style="color: #222222; letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;"><br /></span><span style="color: #222222; letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;"><br /></span><br />
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September 6, 2014 - Late night</h3>
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.......I am not privy to what is in his thoughts, what it is that keeps him ticking.......a few years ago when we talked about his thoughts about being put on a ventilator, he had a strong opinion that if he were ever to be put on a ventilator or life support...............................that there should be a spare machine outside of his room in case the one he is on stopped working. It was a bit of a joke, however I believe it highlights his desire to live as long as he possibly could. <div>
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He obviously doesn't want to go home nearly as badly as I want to go home right now........I don't know what he is gaining by waiting......I do know, after he is gone it will all make sense and I will know..........but right now.......knowing that life is just continuing on as if this man is not dying......makes me feel as if I am in a vacuum....even in this room.....with my family, waiting....out of stress or something.....conversation is just continuing as if there is not a dying man laying in the middle of the room.......It is nearly surreal. They are not being disrespectful.....I am simply somehow disconnected ....... in some form of limbo......between having a father and having lost a father........ </div>
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September 6, 2014 - 10 pm</h3>
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And so it goes. We have not given my Dad any morphine for at least 90 minutes and he has not changed since the last update. He continues with a loud "rattle" with his breathing, unresponsive, and stubborn. The lack of sleep is wearing on me a bit. I packed up my car so I can head home to where it is safe and warm, so I can repack for a funeral. I thought earlier tonight that September 6 2014 was the date that would be etched in my heart forever.......now.....it may not.......Even without the morphine increasing his oxygen levels, he is fighting until his very last breath. If you are old enough to remember how coffee used to be made in a "perculator" that is what his breathing sounds like.<br /><br />So many thoughts run through my head....wondering what thoughts are running through his head........I know he is comfortable, meaning that he is not feeling any pain, that he is not struggling and grimacing. His face is relaxed and even an occasional smille floats across his face as if he is seeing something wonderful and beautiful. I hope all of his thoughts are wonderful and beautiful.<br /><br />My brother who was 4 hours away ...driving to just be able to say goodbye to his father's body....is very likely going to arrive before my Dad's soul leaves us.......I am hoping the coffee is ready soon.</div>
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September 6, 2014 Game time Update</h3>
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About 6:30 tonight the fluid in my Dad's lungs increased significantly. He has a very strong "death rattle". I assured all that it is far more uncomfortable for us than it is for him as he is resting comfortably. His lips and tongue became blue and cyanotic, he had mottling up his abdomen to his chest......all those close to Cadillac were called in.....the one brother who wishes to see my father before he leaves for the funeral home was called to drive the 4 hours back up............another dose of morphine was given.......<br /><br />His lips are now pink, the mottling is gone.....and another "expert hospice nurse" prediction has bitten the dust. I think that he heard my predictions and used them to set his "goals" to aspire past......I can hear him saying it...."oh no you don't, I am not dying in the next 30 minutes".......tick tick tick.<br /><br />We turned the game on and sit here with him..... admiring his resolve..........listening to the fluid rattle in his lungs as he struggles for each breath, in and out........<br /><br />The truth is, the morphine increased his oxygen levels.......as long as he isn't coughing I won't give the morphine again.......but if he coughs, I can't allow the suffering that he endures with that and so it will go........<br /><br />Updates as soon as possible........</div>
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September 6, 2014 - Afternoon Update</h3>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-weight: normal;">In all the time I have spent working in hospice there is one thing that often takes me by surprise. As a hospice nurse you expect through the experience you gain in caring for those at the end of life, that you will be able to manage every patient's symptoms and keep them peaceful and comfortable until the end and that you are fairly good at predicting when that end will be. then comes along a patient that doesn't follow the "rules" of dying. It is not that there are well defined rules, however there are the generally accepted ones. As a hospice nurse you try to figure out why this patient is not following your "rules" for dying......and then it hits you...........</span><div style="font-weight: normal;">
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My dad is stubborn, strong, loved life, and wanted to live his way. As a insulin dependent diabetic, we heard him more than once have a snickers candy bar and then just say....I just give myself more insulin. He wasn't one to follow all of the rules, he wanted to do it his way. </div>
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The truth about dying is this.........you die how you live. That is exactly what my dad is doing, he is dying exactly how he lived......stubborn, strong, loving life and doing it his way.</div>
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His heart rate is normaly in the 60's. It has been in the 80's most of the week, this morning it was 92 and just now when the hospice nurse came it was 110. This is a significant change. His lungs have wheezing sounds which means that he is beginning to collect fluid in his lungs. </div>
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All of the physical signs are there that his time has arrived, but he is in control now....it is up to him when he is going to leave this world. Tick. Tick. Tick.</div>
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September 6, 2014 - Light Hearted Post</h3>
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Many of you are aware that 5 years ago I donated my kidney to my father. It was on his 70th birthday, July 1st 2009. I remember being in recovery and barely having my eyes open and asking how my dad was doing and they said that he already had urine in his catheter bag. Tears of joy streamed down my face. My selfish act was successful, I was able to keep my father on this earth longer.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />What you must know is that the apple does not fall far from the tree.....at least not when it comes to his sense of humor. Thus, I had them take this photo in surgery so I could send it to him every year as I figured it was going to be his birthday gift forever more. :) (I still bought him gifts!)<br /><br />So yesterday during a very moving moment with all of the family that was present around his bed for a prayer with my uncle Terry.......after the prayer with my 3 children standing around me at the end of the bed. I said ....."you know part of me is dying with grandpa"....my kids had sad faces and rubbed my back and said "it will be ok momma"....and I said......"no, really a part of me really is dying with him".....*pause* then they got it as a smile broke across my face.....they were a bit indignent saying "Mom, now is not a time to make jokes like that!" I said....Grandpa would have done it! And they laughed and said...."yes he would have!"<br /><br />The truth is, the small physical part that once was mine and now belongs to him...will die with him......but another intangible part of me also will die with him.....that is how it feels you know.....as if something is dying inside of you knowing that you will lose him.....and you know nothing will ever be able to fill that hole. How could there be anything to replace the giant of a man he is and the love...oh my.....the love. He is "my person". I hope everyone has a person.......when I say "my person" I am refering to the fact that he is the one person that, no matter what I do, what I say.....nothing.ever.changes.his.love.for.me. He loved me fully and unconditionally. He was proud of me and didn't hesitate to show that. I often felt embarrased by his enthusiasm about his pride in me....(the hospice nurse that came last night had come before and when i talked with her recently she said...I think your father worshiped you....HA!) That is how it would seem to those who listened to him brag about me....but I wasn't the only child he did that with.....I know that, but it doesnt take away anything from how he allowed me to feel his unconditional love beyond measure. Nothing will ever fill that hole.....I wouldn't want it filled.....I want to remember, every day that he loved me without any boundaries....he just loved me.</div>
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September 6, 2014</h3>
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Every time I type the date in the title, I wonder if this is the date that will be forever etched in my heart as the date I lost my Dad. So far, none of the dates are that date. I don't know if today will be. He has beaten all of my predictions to date.<br /><br />Jeremey who is the eldest son of Spencer (one of our siblings who is waiting in heaven for my Dad) is very special to my Dad. Jeremey lived in Hawaii for a bit as a soldier and now has a fancy job in North Dakota with an oil company. (we are all very proud of him and what he has accomplished, he also has one of the sweetest wives I have met, Amanda and 2 very polite and well behaved children that he adores). Jeremey went through a lot losing his father. In some ways I think he and my Dad have the closeness of a father and son. We really didn't know if Jeremey would be able to make it to see Dad. He was flying in for the ND vs Michigan game that is on today. Those of you who know me know that I am a huge homer for Michigan (with bragging rights since I actually attend the University of Michigan). My Dad, who loves beyond measure, doesn't wish ill will to much. (nothing that I am aware of). The fact that he has remained a die hard lions fan all of these years, tells you something. *smile*. So when Jeremey called him on Thursday my dad told him, "I love you so much that I will even cheer for ND on Saturday". Seriously. *shaking my head*. ha!<br /><br />So Jeremy arrived about 12:30 am. My dad who had only a few lucid moments yesterday awoke for him and fought to free his hands and arms from under the sheet covering him so he could wrap his arms around this young man that he loves. It was touching like so many other moments we have had the past few days with other family members as well.<br /><br />By the time that everyone got to bed, it was 1:30 am. I relinquished my bed to Jeremey after his long flight and took up on a recliner in the living room with my Dad. At about 4:30 am, I look over and he is pushing the sheet off his legs and I see his legs start to swing towards the side of the bed. I jumped up and asked what he was doing. He said he wanted to sit up. I asked why he wanted to sit up. He said "so I know that I still can" I tried to convince him that Sonja and I needed some sleep and we could check on his 'sitting up' status in the morning. He was having no part of that......so he sat up in the bed, but didn't dangle his legs, we fixed his wedge and pillows and hoped that would be enough. Not so fast. "I have to pee" we discussed that he was too weak to stand. He then gave in to the depends, which I explained was underwear with a pocket to catch his pee. He had a few coughs and asked why he was coughing. I said, well I didn't wake up every hour to give you your medicine. He said "you are fired".....oh my......ha ha. I said to him "so you are still fighiting this aren't you?" " he said, " well yes I am". He was concerned that his legs were getting weak from not walking or having done any exercises. so Sonja suggested she rub his legs....he liked that. Finally we got him back to sleep but I think it took us well over 30 minutes.<br /><br />He just woke up again at 6:30 and I got his medicine before he could get to sassy again. I did ask if he was mad at me. He said no.<br /><br />He has beaten the odds yet again.......I beleive he is holding out for a miracle. If anyone can get it (or deserves it) it is him. However with multi system failure (heart, lungs, kidney....) the odds of that are slim, although, who is going to tell him that....again. He is a fighter, he is fighting with every thing he has. As long as he is not suffering in pain or discomfort. I can take being wrong in my predictions..........tick, tick, tick.............<br /><br /><br /><div style="clear: both;">
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Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-4554922159612585992015-09-05T18:30:00.002-07:002015-09-05T18:30:45.738-07:00September 5, 2015<span style="letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">Today is Saturday September 5, 2015, I continue to be amazed at how quickly everthing transpired with my father. Last year at this time, it felt like it took so much longer and I realize that each blog entry for this date seemed like a day within itself. I spoke to my brother Gary today. Both of us really wanted to go up to Cadillac on Monday which will be the one year anniversary of my Dad's death and see his grave stone. Neither of us are going to be able to go. I am disappointed, yet, well aware that I can go another time when it will be better for my soul. (because I will have additional time and I won't feel rushed). I have seen a number of posts from family members remebering my dad, so many people loved him. He was loved and even more, he loved with amazing Joy. Again, please go to the bottom of this post and read up one post at a time. Something that I didn't expect to think about as I "relived" these days.....remembering being with him during this time and although he was not with us so much in the end.....I still miss him and miss the moments that I had with him at the end. I promised him that he would never be forgotten and it is the truth in more ways than I ever knew to be possible. I will love and miss him forever.</span><br />
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September 5, 2014 - Rally</h3>
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We were able to enjoy a rally that my father had. For those who don't know what I mean by a Rally; this is a time that a person who is dying and has become unresponsive has a few moments of clarity. My Dad opened his eyes and one by one we each got a giant hug, some of us heard the words "I love you", some he just looked us in the eye and held a gaze. Me. I got the GIANT hug and a very long hold.............almost as if he was holding on to me so that he may be able to stay..........This man is the gift that keeps on giving........</div>
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September 5, 2014 - Late Evening</h3>
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My dad is basically comatose. The coughing that happens for him was making him very uncomfortable so we stepped up the very LOW dose of morphine that we would give when his respirations became too labored. Just to explain a bit here.......My dad has Heart Failure. Specifically congestive heart failure. He also has COPD, Insulin dependent diabetes, kidney failure (after kidney transplant)....as you can see....he is quite the train wreck. He took a licking and kept on ticking.......and ticking.....and ticking.....until now. With his heart condition and the dying process, typically what we see with this type of disease process is that the lungs fill up with fluid and it makes it very uncomfortable to breath. It also causes very noisy breathing that in hospice we often refer to as the "death rattle". We have been able to succesfully keep his symptoms under control. Most people are afraid of morphine and incorrectly think that by giving it death will come sooner. In reality the morphine used correctly increases the oxygen levels and can actually extend the dying process. Since we have managed his secreations, it is likely that our interventions have worked too well....and he keeps ticking........Somehow, I don't mind it at this moment. Earlier I was afriad that he was suffering and I was contributing to extending that suffering......now.....I am just thankful that my father is lying on the bed in front of me....still breathing.....even if he can't tell me he loves me right now.....somehow I find comfort that his soul remains present with us because I know all too soon his beautiful soul will be ascending to meet the other souls that await him........tick, tick, tick..........<br /></div>
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September 5, 2014 - Evening edition</h3>
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We attempted to fake my dad out and make him think that we had all left so he could have alone time with Sonja....I think that is how he wants to die.....privately with her. He has told a few people that he wants to die in his sleep or be dreaming. He didn't take the bait. We are thankful that Uncle Terry was here to pray with all of us around Dad.<br /><br />So.....we wait. I beleive that he will take his exit at stage left some time in the night....with Sonja sleeping on the sofa next to him. It won't surprise me in the least. I know that he loves having everyone around and I don't think that he is afraid to die in front of all of us. I just feel that he wants it to be with this woman that he has loved for 43 years...in a more intimate way.<br /><br />We have shared tears and laughs. It shouldn't surprise anyone at this point that each family member tells the same story....of the love that they have felt when he hugs them. Even as he lays here dying, the grip of his hand on our hand is so strong, as if he is giving us all of his strength in that one squeeze of the hand to say....I love you....and even as he has one foot in this world and one foot out.....we have no doubt that he loves us beyone measure.<br /><br />I love you Dad, I will love you forever and you my father will live on for years to come through all the lives you have touched while you have been on this earth. You will never, ever be forgotten.<br /><br />PS- his eyes have yellowed indicating the failure of his liver, his lungs are beginning to fill with fluid which makes him cough and that is the one thing that is causing him the most discomfort. I am watching the clock and giving the morphine every hour to help keep his cough under control. I do not want to see him suffer, that is what hurts my heart the most. Me. The hospice nurse expert. Unable. To. get. him. comfortable. It hurts my heart. Although, finally he does seem to have found this comfortable place to rest. I asked him this morning. "are you fighting to stay with us?" He said "yep" "I am giving it my all" That he is. That he is.</div>
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September 5, 2014 Afternoon Update</h3>
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I remain in awe of how many lives my father has touched. So many of his grandchildren are posting photos of him on their facebook. It shakes my resolve as I find tears streaming down my face knowing that the looks that are defining of my father are captured in the photos posted.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5qU2LuOmDts/VAn5kjquuSI/AAAAAAAAAmI/bur1XzHGtd0/s1600/dadkissing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="color: #7c93a1; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5qU2LuOmDts/VAn5kjquuSI/AAAAAAAAAmI/bur1XzHGtd0/s1600/dadkissing.jpg" style="-webkit-box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.0980392) 1px 1px 5px; background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 1px solid rgb(238, 238, 238); box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.0980392) 1px 1px 5px; padding: 5px; position: relative;" width="320" /></a></div>
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These are 2 shared by my nieces. The first one is Chelsea Irwin getting a kiss from her Grandpa Green. It represents just how much passion he has for his family and a peek into what it feels like to get a kiss or a hug from him. The Second one is from Anna Bogen a shot she took of Grandpa at Christmas. He was laughing and this is so amazing to see because it represents his love of laughter and a face and laugh I have seen so many times. Together this represents my father perfectly.......love and laughter......<3<br /><br />He continues to rest comfortably. He needs almost no medications. Occasionally his breathing gets too labored and I will give him some morphine and ativan. It is a very small amount. His best friend that he has had from high school is here to visit him. There are more grandkids enroute to get one last Grandpa Green hug and one last child of his Scott Warne that is also enroute. I believe that he is going to be able to leave this world seeing those who have wanted to see him and were able to get here.......he just needs to hang on for a little bit longer <3<div style="clear: both;">
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September 5, 2014 - Mid Morning thought</h3>
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It was raining here......just really raining......all I can think is how appropriate that today......the heavens are crying......crying for us that will be left here without this wonderful man</div>
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September 5, 2014 Morning update</h3>
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Changes. No one expected any of this. There are so many who have been taken by surprise by the speed in which my dad has transitioned. I have some guilt about what I told my family about hospice care. I didn't lie and just for the record I believed that hospice would lengenth his life and improve his quality of life. The research tells us that is true. What I did not think of at the time, nor even consider as a posibility, is that there are some patients that fight so hard to stay alive and carry a heavy burden for those they are leaving behind. When hospice begins for this group of people, often through the hospice care and the family feeling more open to discuss end of life issues, the burden is lifted and the patient is able to relax into what their body has been trying to do for some time which of course is stop working and die. I believe this is what has transpired for my Dad. He loves us all so much and didn't want to leave us. Through hospice and our family discussions with him....his burden was lifted and he has relaxed into the present and quit fighiting so hard.<br /><br />The changes have been fast. We are thankful for this time with him. for those who have been able to say goodbye. I said earlier today to come today or tomorrow. I just want you to know, if you don't make it before he leaves us, it wasn't that he didn't want to see you, but that he knew you would understand that it was time for his suffering to end.<br /><br />Again, I have no crystal ball however I do beleive that today is very likely the day that he leaves us. He is stubborn enough to make it longer and that is possible, however the changes from last night to today are significant enough that I beleive his time is far more limited.<br /><br />I will keep you posted. Please keep my brothers in your thoughts. I think this is harder on them then I anticipated. Pray for saftey for those who are driving to reach him in time. I have been praying for my Dad's Grandma Green to come to him......he loved her because as he told me....she loved him. I want someone that he FELT the same love that he gives to come to him and bring him home.</div>
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September 5, 2014</h3>
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A slightly bumpy night here. Sonja sleeps on the sofa and I don't think anyone could take that spot from her (I don't think we would even try). One thing you should know is that he loves this woman in the truest possible way. They have been married 43 years. I know it wasn't the easiest road for them, but they share a love that runs deep. <div>
About 2am Sonja comes into the downstairs bedroom where I sleep and I woke up and my first thought was......oh no........and she said that my dad wanted to use the urinal. I felt a huge wave of relief. I got to see him sitting on the side of his bed. He said that he didn't think he could stand up. We trouble shooted a bit and I asked if he was having any pain related to the need to urinate. He said no, he didn't have to go that bad. So I said, let's wait until you do have to go. (My hope was maybe we could get some depends or something by that time). He was good with that and we got him laying back down. I sat up for a few minutes until I felt as if he was just resting comfortably again.</div>
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About 4:30 I see the dining room light go on (I think Sonja knew I was a bit startled the first time so she took a "lighter" approach, pun intended...ha). So I jumped out of bed to find my father sitting on the edge of the bed again. We were not sure what we were going to do. Sonja and I were going back and forth with ideas when my dad opened his eyes big and said, "just hold me up" and he just jumped up on his feet. (He is very stubborn). So we went with it and he was able to empty his bladder. </div>
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His nose was plugged, so we used some nasal spray to help clean it out. This lead to a few rounds of vomiting. Another round of nasal spray and then back to bed. I gave him some morphine for the shortness of breath. Sonja and I sat on either side of the bed and just held his hands. I asked him if he felt like he was fighting to stay alive. He said "yep, I am just giving it all that I have". For a long time in hospice we told people to "give permission" to your loved one to die. We learned a few years back that it was a rather silly notion and may even be harmful. Really....who wants someone sitting on the edge of your bed telling you....I give you permission to die.....I would be like...sweet....Thanks a lot! Thus, there was no permssion offered to my Dad, however I did use the opportunity for there to be some frank discussion for him and Sonja. </div>
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As I initially sat on the edge of the bed, he tried to scoot himself over. I told him not to worry about making room for me. He said, "I want to make room for you". This is the image of my father I want to share with you. A man who truly is suffering at this time, laboring for each breath and yet he is more concerned about my, not so small, arse having enough room to sit. I think you can see why I don't want to lose him. But now.........this suffering.......is so great. Tears streamed down my face just sitting and watching him work for every breath. I know he is fighting, fighting to take each breath ,to stay in this world to see as many of those that he loves as he possibly can. He knows that he can't see everyone. He told me a few days ago that I will see who I see and those that I don't get to see, I just won't get to see. But he knows......there are more coming......so he continues to fight for every breath.</div>
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If you wish to see my father, I am asking that you try to come today or tomorrow if it is possible. This suffering is so great. I am sure to him there is value in this suffering knowing he gets to be here for those who are coming. That sounds just like my father......letting himself suffer so others can be cared for. </div>
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Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-36344116828172994572015-09-04T19:53:00.000-07:002015-09-04T19:53:25.245-07:00September 4, 2015I have had a very busy week of orientation as a new faculty member at the University of Michigan School of Nursing. It is not lost on me that I have started working at my DREAM job exactly one year after having walked through losing my father.....a man who would be incredibly proud of me for this achievement. More on that later.....first....a walk through 2 days from a year ago. There are a few posts, so start at the bottom and read up......<br />
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Wow....I reember that it went so quickly, but after reading through these posts, I am shocked at just HOW quickly it really went. Tuesday morning he let go of his hope of having a heart cath and within 24 hours he had let go, and 12 hours after that he was bed bound. The most remarkable thread that runs through these posts is the fact that in such a short period of time so many people came to see him and he lived hours away from most family. What a wonderful gift so many people gave him. I remember each of the moments that I wrote about below....the joyful moments and the sorrowful moments........in particular.....the dichotomy of Joy and Sorrow.....I remember as if it were yesterday the joy of knowing this giant of a man and that he was my father and the sorrow of knowing that I was going to lose him in a matter of days............3 more days<br />
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September 4, 2014 - Evening update</h3>
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Sorry to keep anyone hanging. My Dad is still with us. Breathing is labored. Most of the company has gone. *Deep Breath* I am. I just am. My Aunt Norma and Aunt Susan gave me the best hugs today that brought out a little bit of the daughter out. I logically know I need to be the daughter....it is just harder for me to let that out when the professional seems to be needed.<br />If I were doing nursing charting on his condition at this moment I would say:<br /><br />Patient actively dying. Multiple system failure. 1+ pitting edema bilateral lower extremities. Ascites (edema around the abdomen). Irregular body temparture regulation. Labored breathing. Sleeping 22 out of 24 hours. Oxygen at 6 liters per Nasal Cannula. Pulse bounding and 80 beats per minute. no food intake since AM. Insulin pump removed. Sliding inslin scale in place if needed.<br /><br />Here is what I say as a daughter.<br /><br />My father is loved by more people then I possibly could imagine. I sit in awe of the flow of people, some that I have never met, coming to his bedside to tell him how loved they have always felt by him, what a wonderful role model he is to the teenage children of one who stoppped by......it is countless. Such dichotomy to feel such joy and such sorrow at the same time.<br /><br />The daughter version is so much nicer to read..............<br /><br />My gut says that he is trying to make it to Sunday to see Jen, John and the kids......his symptoms give me pause as to if he can make it......it is my hope that he does.<br /><br />No more updates tonight unless there is a change in his condition. I will update first thing in the morning should the night go by without a bump.<br /><br />I can't thank each of you enough for reading along, for loving my Dad, and for doing whatever you can to let him know that. All of the moments have been treasured by him....and those of us sitting in awe of it all.</div>
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Family</h3>
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We have such a large family. The Wayne Green Family alone is 55 and that doesn't count those that we still consider part of our family but are not yet married in. The Paul Green Family (my Dad's father and my dad's siblings) number into the hundreds. It isn't a surprise to see how loved my father is. My uncle Dave wrote something on facebook not too long ago about my Dad that said You have never been really hugged until you have been hugged by Wayne Green, he grabs you and doesn't let go until he is sure you feel his love. Let me tell you, this is the most accurate description you could be given.<br /><br />This man is a giant of a man. He has not lived a perfect life. Probably far from it in different ways....but it isn't about how perfect you can live your life. He has given countless people love beyond measure. I am sure there are people he has touched deeply that he doesn't even know about.<br /><br />Those we know about, were some that were just here. It is touching to see how much he is loved. Moreover, think about the meaning this brings to HIM to hear how each of his family members feel about him and how he has touched their lives. As much as it is painful to watch someone you love suffer and die......the blessing of your loved one being allowed to hear that his life had purpose and meaning....is worth every moment that we wait..........and decreases his suffering just a little more.......Thank you Aunt Norma, Uncle Dick, Aunt Susan, Uncle Al, Cousin Deb, Chelsea and Keith, Shawn, Tara, Zach, Anna, Christian, Linda, Scott and all the babies for coming to remind my dad what a truly beautful soul he is.<br /><br />My Dad is taking a break at the moment, (a nap) one that is well deserved. He has some labored breathing, but is at least sleeping. He was resting earlier and he had a smile on his face. I accidently woke him up at that moment.....and he said he was dreaming of a beautiful little girl.....I said I am sorry I woke you up....he said...Me too....I don't know who she was, but she was a pretty little girl.... (Edited to add my cousin Deb, I am so sorry that I missed putting your name in there!)</div>
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Blessings</h3>
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This. This is what he wants. He wants to hold the babies. I went into detail about the immortality of what this means. I beleive that to be true on a level that he doesn't comprehend. What he does know and what is so incredibly beautiful is that he said he wants to hold them again so that he can bless them. This man, who is lying in a bed dying is thinking about babies and wanting to bless them. I am so sad, I don't want to loose this man in my life. :( PS, Thank you Jennifer Riopel for the photos of Ayvah and Grandpa I am so grateful you were there at this moment at the reunion to get these photos!) <3<div style="clear: both;">
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<span style="color: #222222; letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">Thursday, September 4, 2014</span></h2>
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September 3, 2014 Noon update</h3>
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My Dad is sleeping a lot, but is able to visit with company. The hospice nurse is finsihing up. Her assessment matches what I think as well. He has days to weeks left. What is most concerning is that he has transitioned so quickly to this point that he likely doesn't have weeks left. Again, no one has a crystal ball here. We only have experience of what other patients we have seen go through this process.<br /><br />We have been open and honest with him about everything. As you can imagine, he still has his sense of humor, so you can expect to hear a few jokes about the fact that he is still "sucking air".....come enjoy the moments.....they are precious!<div style="clear: both;">
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September 4, 2014</h3>
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Seven AM and we all slept the last 5 hours. More importantly, we all are still breathing this morning. I woke up at 5 and checked on him. He was sleeping and breathing, so I didn't touch him. I wasn't sure that I could go back to sleep, but I did. He remains sleeping and breathing and again, I really don't want to wake him up. Sonja is sleeping as well and heaven knows she needs it too. So sitting in the back bedroom to give you this quick update. I think I will grab a shower and try to get a few things picked up and organized. Depending on how my Dad is when he wakes up will determine how I spend the rest of today. I do need to retrieve some things from the West Branch office if nothing else. I also know that his hospice nurse is coming this morning and I think I want to at least be here for that visit and review with her what I think needs to be on hand medication wise should he continue to go on this path we will need to manage secreations and we don't have a couple of things that will help do that. That was probably more information than you wanted. (as well as one long run on sentence...and I am tying this instead of fixing that....ha....)<br /><br />I am feeling like he is hanging in there. Likely so that he can see everyone who has called to say that they are coming between today and Sunday. I will tell you that the extra beds are full starting tonight and through Sunday. So there is no room at the "Green Inn" at this time for sleep overs. Day trips are available and desired! Please come. Even if he rallys and enjoys a few more months, you will bring a smile to his face at a time that he is pretty low.<br /><br />Ok....updates will continue every few hours until I know he is out of the woods.</div>
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Resting comfortably</h3>
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The bed is in the living room and he is asleep (ok, was asleep....now he is moving the bed up and down...oh my) Ok, I thnk he is comfortable again. I think Sonja and I are both afraid to go to bed. I think we both should though.....tomorrow may be a long day.....and I have a feeling tonight isn't going to be a walk in the park either. Will be calling my siblings in the morning......For Dad's siblings....he did ask at one point tonight if the Christmas party was this weekend. I asked why he wanted to know and he said, "well if it is this weekend, I may be able to make it". We told him it is next weekend and that this weekend lots of the grand kids are coming to visit. Ok....off to try to sleep....maybe in the recliner.....</div>
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September 3, 2014 - Take Two</h3>
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It has been a rough night and about to get a tad more chaotic. It is nearly midnight and we are waiting for the DME company to bring a hospital bed. The fact that he accepted having a hostpital bed brought into his living room in the middle of the night is fairly telling. He can't catch his breath, he has a fever. I just gave him roxanol to help with his breathing and that is making him more comfortable. We are watching Jimmy Falon, waiting for the bed. The fact that he has a fever is bothersome as that often comes as part of the end of life process. I will keep you posted as things transpire. This could just be a bad spell and he will rally for a few days, weeks or months. My gut tells me we are looking at days. Please be mindful of his condition as you come to visit. The bed is here.......more in a bit</div>
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September 3, 2014</h3>
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There are lots of calls coming in for visits for my Dad. He is very loved.....and he loves everyone. I want everyone that can see him to see him. Please be mindful of a few things:<br />1. What my dad is going through in many ways Sonja is going through too. (on a deep emotional level). She is a strong person and also private in many ways. You likely won't notice the pain she is feeling and all that she is dealing with.<br />2. Don't expect that you can stay the night here. Please ask Sonja first. If you have small children (whom my Dad wants to see very much) it isn't going to be a wise idea to spend the night here. Day trips are recommended. Obviously those who are traveling far Sonja will want to accomodate you.<br />3. Again, having company can be costly, please be considerate. Bring a drink. Bring some cookies to share. If you are unable to do that, please <u><b>don't</b></u> let that stop you from coming!!!!! (seriously!)<br /><br />I say these things because he is not doing well. Again, please know that I have no magic ball and I have no way of knowing except for my experience in hospice care....I also will add.....that experience and the fact that I am his daughter are colliding on a rather uncomfortable level.......<br /><br />More in a bit........</div>
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Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-36729129634586981782015-09-02T02:38:00.001-07:002015-09-02T02:38:14.266-07:00September 2, 2015<h2 class="date-header" style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin: 0px; min-height: 0px; position: relative;">
<span style="color: #222222; letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">It is a 2 for one day. Go to the bottom and read September 1 first then the 2nd. Looking back I am so grateful that I was there that week. He went down so quickly it was almost hard to believe. As you can see on Tuesday morning he gave up the hope of having the heart catheter.....he knew in his soul that he did not have long to live......and yet, we still had not discussed this fact....he and I.....Hospice nurse and patient.......nor daughter to father........and that would remain the same for the duration of the next 5 days......that would be one of my biggest regrets of the end of his life. The next 5 days will be intense here. I am reliving these days as a closure to my first year of sorrow. I remain and will forever more......missing my father.....</span></h2>
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September 2, 2014</h3>
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I am working in West Branch this week. It is my last week as a consultant for the West Branch office so I am fairly busy. After having been with my Dad yesterday I decided to cancel my hotel and commute from Cadillac to West Branch all week. It should only take an hour to drive, but Houghton Lake is in the middle and that is about 20 miles of 40 MPH speed limit. so it is a good 90 minutes. Tomorrow I will be a bit more wise with my time and get here a bit earlier. Sonja plays cards on Wednesday night and I think that it would be a really good for her to keep that routine. So it will be Dad and I for dinner tomorrow!<br /><br />Today started out a bit tough. Dad had a coughing spell when he woke up and it took him a long time (like 30 minutes) to get his breath back. I sat with him for a bit and he said that he isn't going to get the heart cath. I asked him why and he said that he wouldn't survive it. I suggested that we let the doctors hav a say in the matter and he agreed. However he has remained very firm on the topic and realizes that it really wouldn't help much and likely would do more harm than good. On one hand I am thankful that he came to this decision on his own and in time to not have it done. On the other hand, I realize that the one thing that he has been hanging his hope on he has given up.<br /><br />What does that mean? Well, it mostly just means that he is living more in reality than in denial. He is living more for the moment, in the present moment, here and now, then he is in his future. This is a wonderful place for him to be. When ANY of us live in the future moments of life, or in the past moments of life.....we miss out on the beauty of what this life offers us right this very moment. My dad is enjoying those moments.<br /><br />He does want to see people. In particular, he wants to see the great grand kids. perhaps that is his immortality speaking, to see them, hold them, touch the precious gift of life and pass on some of his love to them. Immortialized in photos to show the children when they are older, the wise and loving great grandfather they once visited with.<br /><br />So if you have time....if you can take part of a day and make a visit.......the next few weeks are going to be some special moments for anyone who is able to visit with him. No one has any idea when God is going to call his soul home to be with Grandma and Grandpa Green, with Spencer and Joan......only God knows when that time will come. I can only tell you that he may be closer to that time than we want him to be. We simply don't know. I am struggling to find the balance between the professional hospice nurse and the daughter in myself........I do believe that I need to set aside the professional and just allow the daughter. Although, the 2 are not so easy to seperate. I just know....I will enjoy every moment that I have with my Dad.......and hope that I have lots of those moments left........</div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">Monday, September 1, 2014</span></h2>
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September 1, 2014</h3>
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I am sitting here with Dad and Sonja, watching Jeporady. We actually recorded a video to post on the blog of my dad telling a joke and my phone didn't have enough storage to save it. So we will try again. He has had a lazy day just relaxing. He has good days and bad days as I have said. I am going to check out his oxygen concentrator that they put in his bedroom. He said it was too loud and didn't work very well last night. I also told him that even having a fan moving air will help him breath better as well. So we have a fan moving air here in the living room.<br /><br />Anyone who has ever had shortness of breath can relate and for those who have not experienced that yet, what you I hope you can understand is how much anxiety it creates to not be able to catch your breath. Anxiety is very debilitating. Being short of breath contributes to not wanting to get out and do much because you are fearful of becoming short of breath. For those of you who know my father, know how much sitting around all day annoys the heck out of him. I think once he finds that happy medium of doing what he can do and not getting short of breath, I think he will be much happier.<br /><br />My dad has always been imortal to most of us. Defying the odds time and time again. He keeps fighting to defy them yet again. He is a fighter for certain! One thing that I do know for certain is that he has a very large team cheering him on!</div>
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Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-7008700451233364182015-08-31T06:13:00.000-07:002015-08-31T06:13:01.750-07:00August 31, 2015<div>
Fitting in the last 4 days in one post, only because I was not home and did not have my laptop with me. One week from today will be the one year anniversary of his death. As you can read by the posts below from last year......it was not at all clear that he only had one week left to live. The last post that was made one week a year ago today begins to allude to the fact that I could tell things were moving in a direction that was not good. However on the 29th Jordan and Helen stopped by to visit him and I remember Jordan calling me and telling me that Grandpa looked really good and he was surprised because he was expeting to find him not well. When you are dealing with heart disease it is difficult as things can take a turn for the bad so quickly. The next week of posts will be the real walk through the ending of the grief......I don't think that the grief of losing your father ever really ends....I will miss him forever and always be a bit sad that he isn't on this earth with me......but the enormous cloud that hangs over my head can be laid to rest one week from today as I stand by his grave and let go of that. I miss him.....forever.........</div>
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I called my Dad tonight and he didn't have a great day. He did get to visit with Gary and Dianne and someone else (I forgot who!). He felt a bit badly because he fell asleep while they were there. I said "as if you have never done that before!" HA! He is feeling dizzy again. He didn't have on his oxygen, so I asked him to put it on. I also called Hospice to have them come out and make it so he has oxygen to sleep as well. <div>
He certainly is having good and bad days. I can't get a good read on what this means. He still is dead set on getting a heart cath "when" his kidney levels come down. It seems to be a hope that he is hanging on to. I certainly will help him accomplish this goal if that is what he wants even though I don't feel as if it is a good idea. </div>
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I mentioned before that I will be working in West Branch this week. If I can get the things accomplished that I need to get accomplished tomorrow. I plan to drive up and spend the evening with him and go to West Branch in the morning on Tuesday. </div>
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I told a few of my siblings already and I will mention it here. We really have no way of knowing the time that my Dad has left. When the heart is involved it just doesn't give us good info because things can go bad unexpectdly and in an instant. So what I say is, if your heart is calling you to visit or call, do it. It may not mean that he is going to be leaving this world soon, but it may be that you will have a treasured memory that you would not of had. Just listen to your gut. </div>
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This is actually true for all of us. Treasured memories are valuable. follow your heart. Live your life so that you find those treasured moments. None of us ever knows when we may leave this world.</div>
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August 30, 2014</h3>
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Scott and Renee Warne (my brother and sister in law) stopped to have breakfast with our Dad and Sonja this morning. My dad sure is enjoying those who are stopping by to see him! He also is really thankful for his hospice team and care that they are providing. He finally admitted to me that he signed up for hospice "for" me, but is really glad now that he did. He said he really didn't realize how much they do for a person and the fact that you really don't need to be dying tomorrow to be on hospice!<br /><br />His biggest complaint today is that his head hurts (the incision from the surgical removal of the basal cell skin cancer). It sounds like quite the wound! I asked if he took a pain pill and he said that he forgot. *SMH* (*Shake My Head*).<br /><br />I will be at my West Branch office this coming week, so I will get to see him at least one evening. With only 3 weeks left at my current position, and 1 of those weeks I am actually helping out with an office in Wisconsin, I am a bit frantic making sure that each of my offices have what they need and are ready for surveys that are coming up. I probably will be working late for the next 3 weeks. However, for SURE I will be taking one evening to head over to see him!<br /><br />If you are wondering what you can be praying for when you think of my Dad, please pray that he finds freedom from the heavy burden he is carrying. He loves his wife very much and the burden of leaving her and not knowing that she will be finacially sound is weighing heavy on him. Thank you</div>
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My dad thinks that he may of had vertigo the last 3 weeks. He has been dizzy and unstable. He actually was using a walker this week. When he woke up today, the dizziness was gone and he felt better. So we are hoping that is what it was. He does use oxygen when he is sitting around the house and has some that he can take with him. It seems to help. Jordan and Helen (my son and his girlfriend) stopped by to visit with grandpa today. They were heading up to Grand Traverse Bay with Helen's parents for the weekend in a cabin on the bay. Helen's parents also met Grandpa and visited for a bit. He is enjoying getting to visit with family. So if you are in the area, don't be shy to stop by and see him! I am hoping to get up there again soon. Hoping to bring my husband Dave with me, maybe they can go fishing or something fun and relaxing</div>
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This has been a very busy week. I apologize for not getting a post up yesterday, my father is doing good! Hospice is helping to do exactly what we wanted. His anxiety is down and that helps keep his symptoms under control.he did have the cancer spot on his head surgically removed yesterday. He gets these basal cell cancer spots on his head mostly due to the anti rejection medications. That is causing him the most pain at the moment. My brother Brian is there now to do yard work and some other things that dad is not able to do right now. Thank you Brian!<div style="clear: both;">
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Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-85152513300514470762015-08-27T19:56:00.001-07:002015-08-27T19:56:08.778-07:00August 27, 2015I didn't write on this blog a year ago today. Things were starting to get intense, but everything was going along pretty smooth. I have a busy weekend ahead and I won't be able to post until I get hom eon Sunday night, so Saturday and Sunday will be completed on Sunday night.Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-34305650208087120032015-08-26T14:23:00.002-07:002015-08-26T14:23:37.941-07:00August 26, 2015<h2 class="date-header" style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin: 0px; min-height: 0px; position: relative;">
<span style="color: #222222; letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">I never really thought that my dad would use oxygen or accept the type of care that he needed to have for a better quality of life. Had he accepted those things earlier, would he have been with us longer? Who knows, I am thankful for the time that we did have him. 75 is way too young for someone to die though.........really.....</span></h2>
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Sorry I missed yesterday. My dad is using oxygen. It does help him feel better. The first week of hospice is really busy. In fact it is too much for anyone! There are many team experts coming in to meet him and Sonja. It is part of the hospice benefit. Needless to say it is a bit overwhelming. He did call the hospice nurse this morning and she had him take an Ativan until she arrived. That helped him a lot. He has some heavy burdens that he is carrying because he loves Sonya very much. Please pray that his burdens will lighten so his symptoms improve. Not being able to breath and having chest pain, not knowing for sure what it really means can cause anxiety in most anyone. Even those like my father who have a strong faith in God.<br />I do want to share one thing. For those who may wish to visit; please call in advance to be sure he is up to the visit. ( I am sure he will love it). Also be mindful that having company can be costly. If you share a meal or stay the night consider what you can do to assist with the costs. He will give you the shirt off his back and right now finances are one of his concerns. If you can't afford to assist please don't let that stop you from visiting. He would never want that to stop you from visiting. Thank you for your consideration.<div style="clear: both;">
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Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-18714218092337718572015-08-26T04:15:00.001-07:002015-08-26T04:15:05.174-07:00August 26, 2015<h2 class="date-header" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin: 0px; min-height: 0px; position: relative;">
<span style="letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">The first week of hospice is busy and can be truly overwhelming. I think that my dad enjoyed meeting the people. The fact that he would call me please the hospice nurse was also a very good sign. With the symptoms he was having he would have been back in the hospital at this point. However having the oxygen and the ativan (which truly does help aide in breathing) he was able to not panic and stay home. He also carried a heavy burden. He loved his wife and knew that things were not right financially. He had multiple chronic illnesses for a number of years and was unable to get life insurance. I know that I discussed with him that us kids would be sure that his wife did not have to pay for the funeral and I know that my brothers did as well. He did find comfort in knowing that we would do whatever we could to relieve some anxiety for him.</span></h2>
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<span style="letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">Tuesday, August 26, 2014</span></h2>
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August 26, 2014</h3>
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Sorry I missed yesterday. My dad is using oxygen. It does help him feel better. The first week of hospice is really busy. In fact it is too much for anyone! There are many team experts coming in to meet him and Sonja. It is part of the hospice benefit. Needless to say it is a bit overwhelming. He did call the hospice nurse this morning and she had him take an Ativan until she arrived. That helped him a lot. He has some heavy burdens that he is carrying because he loves Sonya very much. Please pray that his burdens will lighten so his symptoms improve. Not being able to breath and having chest pain, not knowing for sure what it really means can cause anxiety in most anyone. Even those like my father who have a strong faith in God.<br />I do want to share one thing. For those who may wish to visit; please call in advance to be sure he is up to the visit. ( I am sure he will love it). Also be mindful that having company can be costly. If you share a meal or stay the night consider what you can do to assist with the costs. He will give you the shirt off his back and right now finances are one of his concerns. If you can't afford to assist please don't let that stop you from visiting. He would never want that to stop you from visiting. Thank you for your consideration.</div>
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Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-31505749254111215602015-08-25T18:46:00.001-07:002015-08-25T18:46:24.122-07:00August 25, 2015I did not make a post on this day last year. I believe that I was at his house. I am having trouble remembering exactly. I know I was there for most of the last 2 weeks.....I think that I worked at one of the offices close to Cadillac. I do know at this point I was beginning to worry about him. It is interesting because after he was admitted to hospice I learned that the hospice thought he was too "well" and that he was only being admitted because he was my father. It had to go up the chain for "review". Such a misconception to think that one must be on their death bed to receive hospice services. The point of hospice is to provide comfort to the suffering...suffering happens long before death occurs.........regardless.....he died 2 weeks after he was admitted to hospice.Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-44511982013385392642015-08-24T16:47:00.000-07:002015-08-24T16:47:02.111-07:00August 24, 2015<h2 class="date-header" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin: 0px; min-height: 0px; position: relative;">
<span style="letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">It is a bit odd to think that one year ago today my dad was driving a car to take Shelley back to Grand Haven. Little did any of us know that exactly 2 weeks later he would be taking his last breaths. I know that I say this often, actually more than you know, because I say it every single day......I miss my dad......</span></h2>
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<span style="letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">Some of you may think that going back through these posts each day is some form of torture or some dramatic show......all it really is for me is a closure on the grief.....I will always miss him.....and September 7th will always be a day to remember......but It is time to let this all rest once I walk through the memory of these last 2 weeks.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">I do wish I could have him back for one more day.......I know that wouldn't be enough.....so I will wait until my spirit joins his one day....what a lovely reunion that is going to be!</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">Sunday, August 24, 2014</span></h2>
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I called my dad a bit ago. He is getting ready to take Shelley back to spring lake. He said that last night he was not feeling well and when the nurse came today she said that he should be wearing his oxygen. So she got it all hooked up and he is wearing oxygen. He said it does make him feel better. So he is wearing it. They are going to get ine for the bedroom too. The oxygen really will help him feel better! He will stay at Shelley's overnight tonight.</div>
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Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-62751852674459101282015-08-23T03:38:00.001-07:002015-08-23T03:38:28.015-07:00August 23, 2015<h2 class="date-header" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin: 0px; min-height: 0px; position: relative;">
<span style="letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">No doubt I was as busy one year ago as I am today! I am sure that I needed to have went home last year to get things ready for the next week, there is a part of me though that in hindsight, wishes that I would have stayed with him every moment from the time he signed on to hospice until he died. I DID spend a large portion of time with him in the end.....but reading that I missed some of those days is pause for regret......even though I know I did everything that I could have.....I guess.....just knowing how much I miss him......I wish that I had additional time with him now.</span></h2>
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<span style="letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">Saturday, August 23, 2014</span></h2>
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August 23, 2014</h3>
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Late and short update today! I actually didn't talk to my dad today! (Shame on me) I arrived home late last night and it was a mad rush for Dave and I to get yard work done this morning. I then cleaned out my closet and did laundry. Plus a few more things. Getting ready for bed now and will check in with dad tomorrow for a real update!</div>
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Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-57449013400089772532015-08-22T12:30:00.002-07:002015-08-22T12:30:29.914-07:00August 22, 2015<h2 class="date-header" style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin: 0px; min-height: 0px; position: relative;">
<span style="color: #222222; letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">I am not feeling well. I was not feeling well yesterday either and thus I didn't post here yesterday. So you are getting a big dose today as there are 3 posts from last year to put up.</span></h2>
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<span style="color: #222222; letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">First I shared on the blog here that Dad was signing up for hospice, and one year ago today is the day that he actually signed up for hospice. We had no idea that in 2 weeks he would die. As you can see by the post below, the point of putting him on hospice was to improve his quality of life and hopefully the length as well. For many patients that is true. For my father, he was one of those people who relaxed into the process. The truth is, he would have been in and out of the hospital for a few more months, maybe longer and then died in his sleep one night. So although we had him for a shorter period of time, it was quality time and family members were able to come and see him and say goodbye. That meant a lot to him and to each family member. Today was the beginning of the end for my dad one year ago today.....he is missed by so many of us.......</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">Friday, August 22, 2014</span></h2>
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August 22, 2014 - Take Two</h3>
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Guess who is home! For those who saw my Dad on Sunday, you will be happy to know he looks much better today.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hospice is here to do the admission. Again, hospice is just going to help manage his care so he can feel as good as possible. The hospice admission is taking a little longer because of course he has to tell all of his stories and jokes to the hospice nurse. :) Thankfully he doesn't need much help right now. He can still take his own shower and all of that. We really just want to keep his symptoms managed so he can enjoy his life a little more!<br /><br />So here is the converstation at the moment:<br />Catie: "Dad, you have a captive audience with this Blog, everyone is coming to read about you, do you want to tell them anything?"<br />Wayne: "Well, I ain't dead yet"<br />Shelley: "You don't want to be doing tombstone jokes yet"<br />Wayne: *smile*<br /><br />We are having fun. One thing is for sure. If you get Shelley and I together, there is bound to be hilarity ensueing.........<div style="clear: both;">
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<span style="color: #222222; letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">Thursday, August 21, 2014</span></h2>
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This update is one hour early, but I need to make sure that everyone knows that I am sincerely sorry that some of you heard the news about my father getting hospice this way. I asked my father if it was ok to write this blog and to talk about hospice. What I did not take the time to stop and think about were some people who are close to my father who should have heard this information in person, or at least with a phone call. I truly apologize for that. I do hope that my post on the 21st about what hospice care really means brings some comfort to all of you. <div>
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Shelley and I are up in Cadillac to see Dad. We visited with him for a bit tonight in the hospital. He is coming home tomorrow. Hospice will come over and complete the admission for him. The kidney specialist will continue to monitor his kidney function (at this time his labs are very high for his kidney function and they need to be low). Dad will make a decision at some point on if he will have a heart catheritization in Ann Arbor or not. It is important that he makes his own decisions about the care he recieves. He is of sound mind and has every right to decide what is best for him. I know that we all will support him in his decisions. </div>
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I will be here for a good part of the day tomorrow to help get him home and get the hospice admission completed. Shelley will be here for the weekend. Shelley and I have worked out a "phone tree" of sorts. When information needs to be shared Sonja will notify both Shelley and I. In turn we will each call our brothers. We each will be responsible for our own kids. Hopefully this way, any change will be known by the family before it goes on the blog :) I will also call Aunt Susan who will let the siblings know. Please don't let your mind go to a morbid place. I am not talking about "dying"....just information that should be shared person to person and not in a non personal way via social media! </div>
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I hope this helps. I really know how much everyone loves him and just wanted to make sure everyone that wants information is able to get it. You all probably are aware of this, but my dad prays for every single member of our family, every single night. Including the girlfriends of his grandkids. He loves each and every one of you. He truly does. New update tonight......or tomorrow night.....the days are running together!</div>
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August 21, 2014</h3>
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A summary of how we got to this point. Sunday at the family reunion my dad was not feeling well. By Monday evening Sonja took him to the emergency room at the Cadillac hospital. He remains in the hospital at this time. They are working on getting his labs that relate to his kidney function decreased. Once he goes home he is going to have hospice come in to help him manage his care. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Hospice is a word that often brings fear to people when they hear it. I know hospice in a way that brings me comfort. I want to share with you just a bit about hospice and how it can help my father. Many think that hospice comes in to help people die. The truth is actually the opposite of that. Hospice helps people to live to the best quality of life a person can possibly live, for as long as they can possibly live it. <o:p></o:p></div>
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There is no one else on this earth that wants my father to live as long as possible than I do. I can’t even tell you how desperately I don’t want to see him leave this world. The research is out there that speaks to how hospice helps people live, on average 30 days longer than those who do not have hospice care. <o:p></o:p></div>
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So back to how hospice comes in to help you live; hospice is holistic care. Hospice looks at not just the medical issues, but also the spiritual and psychosocial issues that are present. Hospice also considers the family a patient as well. This team of experts comes together to work with the patient and family to build a plan of care around the patient’s own goals. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The goal is simple. We want my dad to feel as good as he possibly can for as long as he possibly can. Often when a patient comes on to hospice care, their symptoms are managed and some of the emotional burden is lessened and patients are no longer eligible for hospice and are discharged. My dad’s goal is to outlive his hospice admission! Everyone who knows him knows that is a real possibility! <o:p></o:p></div>
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Facebook is not the place that I wish to keep people posted. I know how much he is loved by so many and I want to ensure that you all are able to keep up with him. So I have started this blog and I will post daily. Thank you for loving him! He is an incredible man. Please be sure to leave comments, I am sure he will be reading along with you all!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-81980692801323066582015-08-20T16:55:00.002-07:002015-08-20T16:55:58.395-07:00August 20, 2015<h2 class="date-header" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin: 0px; min-height: 0px; position: relative;">
<span style="letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">Had my Dad not gone on to hospice last year, he would have gone in and out of the hospital for a few more months. As you can read below, he was in the hospital again just before going on hospice. </span></h2>
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<span style="letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">And then...there is the joke......always the joke. I miss that so much. I remember him telling me that joke....so often I just shook my head at him.....I should have laughed longer and harder....I miss him.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">Wednesday, August 20, 2014</span></h2>
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<a href="http://wayneegreen.blogspot.com/2014/08/august-20-2014.html" style="color: #7c93a1; text-decoration: none;">August 20, 2014</a></h3>
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I just talked with my dad and he is still in the hospital. He thinks that he will go home today. I told him about the blog so he said to tell everyone that they started him on a new pill that should help him breathe better and he thinks it might be working. They are not going to do the heart cath at this time as his kidney function is not good enough to use the dye for the cath. He likely will be heading home tomorrow. I will be heading up to Cadillac to see him tomorrow afternoon and evening.<br /><br />He did share a joke with me today. There was a man who went into a bar. The bartender said "would you like a cup of coffee?" The man said "no, I tried that once and I didn't like it". The bartender said, "well would you like some pretzels?" The man said "No, I tried that once and I didn't like it". The bartender said, "well, would you like a beer?" The man said "No, I tried that once and I didn't like it". Then the man said "I am just here to meet up with my son". The Bartender said "let me guess, you only have one son?"<br /><br />PS - I titled this blog CHASING DAD, because that is what so many of us do. Chase after him! He is an energizer bunny, some kind of walking miracle really. Defying all the odds, time after time. Thus.....Chasing Dad.</div>
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Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-35818137175354447462015-08-19T01:42:00.002-07:002015-08-19T01:42:38.880-07:00August 19, 2015<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11px;"><b>One year ago today my father agreed to try hospice. Although the caveat was that he was first going to have a heart cath. I began this blog on this day one year ago to keep my family informed about his health and as you see below, I hoped it would be a long lasting blog about his life. Instead it turned out to be a blog about his death and my subsequent grief. I still shake my head in wonderment that he is gone. As most people who have lost someone that they love, regrets seep through the cracks in me.....I should have called him more, I should have gone to see him more......The truth is, I could have been a better daughter. Even with that being true.......he still loved me without condition. His love didn't lessen because I didn't call one week.........it just was....always the same....always warm and comforting. </b></span></span><div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11px;"><b>As I approach the one year anniversary of his death I will be posting each day as I walk the journey of his final days. I need to do this for closure. I will miss him forever, some days more than I can bare.....however i feel strongly that there will be a release for me in this process, some sort of letting go. There is a song that I often sing in the car, thinking of him.....it is titled "Can't let you go".......I will never let go of his memory, of his love, his laughter and hugs........but I can let go of the enormous grief of losing him. So this is my final walk through this grief. There may be times that I dip my toes in it again....but I won't be swimming in it :) This process will be capped off with a visit to his graveside on September 7th. His head stone was just placed this week. He is buried in Cadillac, so I don't get to see his grave. In fact I only went one time about 2 weeks after he died. I never really understood why people went to their loved ones graves......afterall, they are not there......just the vessel of where there soul resided is there.....I understand now......it is just a place to connect to him. A way to continue to care for him by planting flowers or some thing. I will be planning a little someting for my time there.</b></span></span><h2 class="date-header" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; margin: 0px; min-height: 0px; position: relative;">
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<span style="letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">See you tomorrow...........</span></h2>
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<span style="letter-spacing: inherit; margin: inherit; padding: inherit;">Tuesday, August 19, 2014</span></h2>
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August 19, 2014</h3>
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Today my Dad agreed to try hospice care. It was a big decision for him. Before he begins hospice care he is planning to have a heart cath done in the next day or two. I am starting this blog to keep everyone posted on his journey going forward. Each day I will create a post and provide an update. I will also share some thoughts and memories. I welcome you to share your thoughts and memories in the comment section. I know he will appreciate whatever you have to say! So the journey begins and I hope and pray that this blog lasts for years to come!</div>
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Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-78311307013190719112015-07-13T10:38:00.002-07:002015-07-13T10:38:52.804-07:00June and July- Moving forwardJune and July have not passed without feelings and emotions for me. I simply did not get anything down in words here at the blog. I apologize for those who some how are connecting with reading about death and greiving. <div>
June was Father's Day and that was a difficult time. The worst part was the weeks prior to Father's Day. Entering a store and being confronted with the "Father's Day" Signs....knowing I couldn't buy anything for him. In particular were the cards. He loved cards. He really enjoyed the humourous cards and although I enjoyed them, I often opted for the fluffy ones to let him know how much I loved him.....although he would have enjoyed the humourous one more!</div>
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July 1st was his birthday and it also was the 6th anniversary of the kidney transplant. A nice reminder that we had him longer here on earth due to his kidney transplant. </div>
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As August approaches......we approach the final leg of this year long journey of "firsts" since his death. This leg, for me, will include remembering each day of that final chapter in his life. So I will be positing daily for a few weeks......bringing forward the posts from each day from last year to remember and be with that lose one more time. I want some way to honor my grief and put some closure on it. I cetainly will miss him for the rest of my life, it just won't ever be the same without him. I also know that there will be a time of closure to the raw grief and I am hoping that my plan will help do that.</div>
Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-756683522304072992015-05-07T08:54:00.001-07:002015-05-07T08:54:26.303-07:008 Months - May 7, 2015<div class="MsoNormal">
Today is the 8-month “anniversary” of my father’s death. Not
to be over dramatic, but I can easily say that so much in my life has “gone to
hell” since he died. Of course lots of wonderful things have happened as well,
however I have not had such significant loss in my life such as this past 8
months, and it isn’t over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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I am all about the silver lining and all that jazz, I am
just tired….I want something to go “right” or better….or….good…or something as
it seems as if I have had to fight and claw my way through this world. My
fingers are raw from clawing…my knees are scabbed, my elbows bruised…I don’t
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So, on this day, 8 months since I have been able to talk to
my father, hear his voice, feel his whisker scratch kisses and hugs…. that
strong arm, pulling me tight…I am reminded of his love for me and I am grateful
that I had it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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One wonderful thing that has happened in the last 8 months
is some healing that needed to happen with my mother. That has meant so much to
me, to have her in my life fully again (she was never out of it, there was just
some tension mainly because I moved away). She has been the one to love me and
be proud of me now. <o:p></o:p></div>
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This is my birthday month and coming up to my birthday, I
recall last year…just last year…my father called me on my birthday. He said
that the day before he couldn’t wait for my birthday because he knew that he
got to call me and talk to me. I remember feeling such a warm feeling of love
when he told me that. Now, just a year later…he won’t be calling me on my
birthday. I had thought about special days like father’s day and HIS birthday
that I would be dealing with missing him…I had not anticipated that MY birthday
would be a day that I would feel his loss. Although I understand why…it just
took me a bit by surprise. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The year after my dad recieved my kidney, my husband brought him to Ann Arbor for the weekend for my birthday. Just my Dad and me. I took him around the University of Michigan campus, we went miniture golfing and bowling.....we just had a great time together! I wish we would have done that again, but I am grateful we had that weekend!<br />
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Everyone says, it will get better, it won’t go away, it will
always be there…. this hole that was created when he died. Words I have said to
others, words that I now understand in a more intimate way. He will always be
missed, that just doesn’t change, that will never change. I however will
continue to learn how to live without him. I will also continue to be grateful
for him and for my mother, my brothers, my children and the most loving man
that remains alive in my life, my husband. That ribbon of gratitude will always
run like a beautiful gold thread through this grief.<o:p></o:p></div>
Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-80466432659603950002015-04-06T17:09:00.003-07:002015-04-06T20:58:16.929-07:00April 7th marks the 7 month anniversary........<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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First....there is this. Literally this moment is etched into my memory more than any other moment. As I leaned over his nearly cold body, as his breath went in and stayed there longer than it normally would.....his blue eyes opened........looking beyond this world......and his last breath was released and his heart stopped. I think about that single moment in time nearly every day.<br />
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Then there is this........Grief does change us. The pain of it sculpts us into someone who understands more deeply. My heart would "go out" to other who lost someone special in their life, but now....I know the pain more intimately and my empathy is heightened and there is more of a sincerity when offer comforting words. I absolutely cry more easily..........losing my dad has affected far more in my life than I every imagined. I am sure even more than I actually know at this moment.<br />
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And finally.....this. Every day I am stronger because I made it one more day without my dad here on earth.<br />
<br />
I will share this. After 7 months I can tell you that the acute pain of his death is duller, but the hole that was created is the same size and I can touch the pain, it is there, and sometimes I touch it, just so say the world is not going on without him........<br />
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I miss him more today then I did yesterday. the pain is different, the emptiness almost seems to have grown. I will always love you Dad and not a single day goes by that I do not miss you......always....always.<br />
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<br />Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-19167781967276786892015-03-18T20:08:00.001-07:002015-03-18T20:09:09.897-07:00March 18, 2015<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/lTrDUa4FHz0" width="459"></iframe><br />
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I watch this a lot, especially when I miss him. I have the full version on a disc that I sent to my brothers too that has my last voice mail he left me. His voice saying...."love you girl".........I don't have it with me at the hotel......I wish I did.....I would like to hear him say that right now!<br />
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It is a bit past 6 months since my father died. 11 days to be exact. I am having a severe case of missing him this week. I am tearful. I look up to the sky and just say.....please.....please come back.....I know that he can't and I really don't want him to leave the wonderful place that he is at....I just need my dad.<br />
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I don't even know if there is anything more that I can write about it at this moment....I just miss him.....I want to hear his voice, I want to sit down and listen to his jokes and I want him to tell me how much he loves me. He was that person that could make me feel special. I am not feeling very special right now I guess. There are stressors in my life currently for sure........I think grief feels stronger when we have additional stress happening......<br />
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I just miss my dad....as much today as yesterday and as much yesterday as the day before........</div>
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Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-1570206307472791642015-02-07T07:50:00.000-08:002015-02-07T07:50:03.176-08:00February 7, 2015It is hard to believe that I have not posted since Christmas on here. I certainly have thought of my Dad every single day. I believe that he is my spirit guide now. I hear him speak to me often. I think he even blew out my engine with less than 2000 miles remaining on the power train warranty so I could have a brand new engine! That likely sounds obsurd to most of you. But knowing my dad, there isn't a doubt in my mind that he did that.<br />
In many ways I feel a closeness to my dad that I have never felt. I longed for that feeling when he first died. I was nearly distraught not feeling him. And when I think about it now, I can touch that pain, it reamins close to me, yet it has changed and become something far more beautiful.<br />
<br />
I will always miss hearing his voice (I listen to that one voice mail I have, just to hear it again) but I will miss hearing it for real...always and forever. I will miss his huge hugs, his scratchy whisker kisses and his never ending love and admiration of me...someone who fails on a daily basis......to him I was perfect.....even though we both knew that I wasn't....he still believed in me beyond reason.<br />
<br />
I miss him. That will never change, but feeling his presence with me is a treasure that I will hold close to my heart and hope that he never tires of being near.<br />
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It has been 5 months......it seems like an eternity.........since I sat next to him in his living room....him showing me how he could till bowl on the Wii, just days before he left this world......I don't wish him back as I know he is somewhere whole and beautiful.......but I would give a very pretty penny....just to sit with him again for a few minutes.....hear one of his jokes, hear him say how proud he is of me, hear him say how much he loves me.......then I would say that I love him.....and he would say...."you better or I would have to beat you"......I can hear him now........in response to the question....."how are you Dad?" He would say....."REALLY good for an old fat guy......and.....it is true....he is doing really good.....I love Dad........I will miss you forever........Thank you for being near me......for being with me........I need you....but then....you know that already :)Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-34233028948976104702014-12-25T12:20:00.002-08:002014-12-25T12:20:23.192-08:00December 25, 2014My story for 43 years has consisted of not feeling loved. Just plain and simple, I am putting that out there. (it isn't like I haven't put that out there before) It for lack of a better phrase, is my cross to bear. I have done much personal work around this concept. I have learned to love myself in many different ways. Accept myself for the good and the bad.<br />
As you know, if you have been reading my blog, my Dad loved me beyond reason. I didn't "know" this all of my life. There is a marked difference in memories from prior to his divoricing my mother and after he divorced my mother. And then, there is the last 5-6 years that I "forgave"some shortcomings and accepted my Dad for who he was in my life. That was a game changer that I am thankful for.<br />
Today, the first Holiday season without my father around, I have had a more difficult time getting into the season as they say. This isn't unusual for anyone that has lost a significant person in their life. I did the best I cold though for my husband. (we celebrate with my kids in January). He on the other hand is just incredible at remembering things, researching things and just simply making sure that he has covered his bases when it comes to gift giving.<br />
Now, before I continue on, allow me to say that spending money on gifts isn't the point. It isn't about how much money was spent....what I am about to discuss is the meaning behind the gifts.<br />
<br />
First you must know that for most of my life, presents were not something that were special for me. (except my mom, anything my mom bought me was always special to me, I can't say why, but even to this day, if she just gives me a kitchen towel...I am thrilled....I think it is because I love that she just thought about me. (again, it really isn't about the money, more about the thought).<br />
<br />
Then I was a single mom for 20 years and you just don't get presents on Christmas morning when you are a single mom.<br />
<br />
Enter David Doman. I met him in 2008 and we married in 2010. He knows how to gift. He is amazing at it actually. This year he researched glass beads and bought tools that would make certain beads that he thought were cool. He bought a bench light for my studio. Let's just say, he basically thought of everything that he could have to give me things for bead making. In my stocking was my favorite chocolate and a bag of jelly beans (which are my favorite), a bunch of coins for a bunch of car washes (which he knows I love to get my car washed). Lottery tickets (which is something fun we love to do as a treat) He bought me my favorite perfume (coco Chanel Mademesille) AND because I can't take perfume with me on the plane, he bought me 2 small atomizers that are TSA approved. So you see....he just truly thinks of everything. Then.......came this<br />
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Allow me to explain. He has been collecting scrap gold as a "savings". He took this gold to the jeweler that he works with and had him make this pendant. He designed it, with the diamonds and the word LOVED carved in the front and a Diamond for the "O". On the back .....something that he always writes on my cards is ever thine, ever mine, ever ours.....and his initial "D".<br />
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What he really didn't know (or likely DID know) is that the word LOVED......has a special meaning to me since my Dad died because....he loved me so unconditionally.<br />
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Now....what I need to say is....with my dad having died, it isn't that I don't feel loved. I know that I am loved. My kids love me, David loves me...my mother and brothers love me......I know this and that fact is not lost on me.......my Dad's love was as close to "God's love" that I have gotten to.......such an unconditional....pure love.<br />
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So....I write this now for two reasons. First. My Dad would be so incredibly happy to know (and he was happy, and did know how much David loves me) but today........I know he was looking in.....and patting David on the back and saying....well done...well done. Second.......My "story" of not feeling loved needs to end today.<br />
For<br />
I<br />
Am<br />
LOVED.<br />
This is my new story........this is the true story....and I now have my "badge" to wear every day, just in case I revert back to the old story.<br />
Old dogs can learn new tricks :) I am grateful for having someone in my life who cares enough about me to give me such an incredible Christmas morning, and for my wonderful children and my mother and my brothers. I am truly fortunate to have them. Grateful is a theme that is the ribbon that runs through this grief.........Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-56586263345099573442014-12-19T12:44:00.001-08:002014-12-19T12:48:46.021-08:00December 19, 2014When Great Trees Fall<br />
<br />
When Great trees Fall,<br />
rocks on distant hills shudder,<br />
lions hunker down<br />
in tall grasses,<br />
and even elephants<br />
lumber after safety.<br />
<br />
When great trees fall<br />
in forests,<br />
small things recoil into silence,<br />
their senses<br />
eroded beyond fear.<br />
<br />
When great souls die,<br />
the air around us becomes light, rare, sterile.<br />
We breathe, briefly.<br />
Our eyes, briefly,<br />
see with<br />
a hurtful clarity.<br />
Our memory, suddenly sharpened,<br />
examines,<br />
gnaws on kind words<br />
unsaid,<br />
promised walks<br />
never taken.<br />
<br />
Great souls die and<br />
our reality, bound to<br />
them, takes leave of us.<br />
Our souls, dependent upon their<br />
nurture,<br />
now shrink, wizended.<br />
Our minds, formed<br />
and informed by their<br />
radieance,<br />
fall away.<br />
We are not so much maddened<br />
as reduced to the unutterable ignorance of dark, cold<br />
caves.<br />
<br />
And when great souls die,<br />
aftrer a period peace blooms,<br />
slowly and always<br />
irregulary. Spaces fill<br />
with a kind of<br />
soothing electric vibration.<br />
Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us.<br />
They existed. They existed.<br />
We can be. Be and be<br />
better. For they existed."<br />
<br />
Maya Angelou<br />
<br />
The glass community is special. I know many people across the country and the world. The kindness that is shown is something quite amazing really. A little bit ago, a little secret santa opportunity popped up. A sort of exchange where one artist would make a necklace and earrings for an artist and they would exchange. I signed up. Truthfully, when ever I do these exchanges, I am typically a little disappointed. I can't really say why, as I don't expect much and am happy with what is gifted to me. So I made my necklace and earrings to exchange. I wasn't exactly happy with them, but I didn't have more time to make more beads and create another set, so I sent them.<br />
Today, I went to the mailbox. In it was a box for me. It did not dawn on me that it was the exchange items. I had been ordering some supplies to make hair clips for my grand daughters and for some reason I thought it was some of the supplies. So I opened it and unfolded the pink tissue paper.....and out falls this necklace.......the incredibly beautiful necklace and matching earrings. My breathe was sucked out of me, my knees even felt weak, as I reached for the necklace, I see a poem that was included.....I have already begun to cry at this point.....that somoene would be so kind and generous to send me such an amazing piece......then I read the poem that I printed above.........and it was all over........tears were streaming down my face.......the poem is exactly, exactly........my Dad. Oh how I want to make her another necklace and earrings....(LOL), I don't even think I could make something special enough for her. What a wonderful gift I was given. I could never thank her enough. Not only for the generous necklace and earrings but for the poem and just for caring enough about a perfect stranger to send a package so perfect........there just are no words. PHOTO COMING SOON!!!Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-4241627010746909082014-12-15T08:59:00.003-08:002014-12-15T08:59:43.131-08:00December 15, 2014For the past 20 years....I have said in the course of "supporting" a grieving loved one that holidays are difficult times. Take your time, get through them. Be present with the pain. It will get better.<br />
<br />
I really think it is interesting that we know something on a "book" level, just raw knowledge but until we actually walk it......we really have no clue what it actually FEELs like.<br />
<br />
It feels bad.<br />
<br />
It feels like you just wish you had one more Christmas with them. Just one more time to show them how much you love them.<br />
<br />
I think "regret" is the worst part. Thinking how you should have done more.....shown more how important and special that person was to you.<br />
<br />
For me, as I have shared multiple times....my Dad...loved me. I actaully don't have a lot of "good" memories of him in the years that I was growing up. At least not after my parents divorce and I was 8 when that happened. I don't remember a lot those first 8 years.....but I do remember that I was special to my dad then.....I think my mom was even jeaoulous of how special I was to my dad. Then when they divorced and a short time later he remarried..........I didn't feel like that special girl anymore. Things were never the same. Then about 10 years ago.....I did some personal work and was able to see him for who he was to me and that began creating that bond again between us. Once again I felt like I was the most special girl in all the land.<br />
<br />
It is difficult to explain it fully, especially on a blog that others may read. Let's just say, that no matter how others in my family felt about me.......my dad was steadfast in his love for me. I never had to question that. There was never a time that you hear that he may have said something about me when I wasn't around.......all he ever did was think I was the most special girl ever in the world.<br />
<br />
I don't have anyone left in my family who loves me like that. He was the only one. (Now, my husband loves me in the most incredible way and I have 3 children who I adore and they adore me...I am talking about my extended family) They love me, I think that they just don't like me.<br />
<br />
I just miss him and I do wish that he was still here and I could talk to him again and get a big hug and a scratchy whisker kiss....and that I could tell him one more time.....that he taught me how to love.....he taught me how to love unconditionally..........he gave me so much......I am grateful for that.Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-52199456412035171012014-12-06T22:11:00.000-08:002014-12-06T22:11:19.454-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5RaFu_hPaeM/VIPsNGJUeoI/AAAAAAAAAw0/gDFVSsyw6sI/s1600/3months.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5RaFu_hPaeM/VIPsNGJUeoI/AAAAAAAAAw0/gDFVSsyw6sI/s1600/3months.jpg" height="287" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
In 30 minutes it will offically be 3 months to the minute that my dad died. I haven't been writing here every day, as you can see. I think about my dad every day. I miss him every day. Today, I just started crying for no reason.....my heart just became very sad.......and I realized that Sunday was the 7th of December which marks 3 months since he left...died.....It feels as if he left.......just left. I hate that I won't get to talk to hi again.<br />
<br />
I am not hanging on......I have moved through stages......I found myself at Gratitude and that made a big difference for me....just to be able to have gratitude when I think of him.<br />
<br />
None of that takes away the fact that I am missing a significant person in my life. I feel very much like an island. I know that my father was the one who understood me....or at least loved me in spite of whatever it is that the rest of my family finds distasteful about me. He just loved me, even when no one else could........there was never that "tone" of disapproval.....never the silence that comes when I didn't do something right.....but no one is going to say anything.....they are just going to whisper and talk about it........Not my dad.....he would have said something.......he would ask me about it. He would want to know what was my side of things......and then..........that would be all. Even if he didn't agree with how I saw things.......he would still... LOVE ME.......and not hold anything back. I don't even know if my Dad liked me.......because it didn't matter if he did..........he just loved me. Just......LOVED me............How incredibly fortunate am I that I had that....I really am grateful, so inredibly grateful. I really do wish that I could have had my dad with me in this life longer.....Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-300804592105154494.post-73641911934232054742014-11-24T03:36:00.004-08:002014-11-24T03:36:55.209-08:00November 24, 2014I updated my computer software and it changed the way I have my "favorite" pages set up. It has been driving me a little nuts! So this blog was visible to me everyday before, so it made it easy to click on it and write. I think about writing everyday.....but it seems when I am at the computer, I don't always remember. I think that I also am "healing" so to speak, so I have less emotion to vent.<br />
<br />
Yesterday I had a "talk" of sorts with my dad. No I couldn't see him....not like that....but simply a knowing in my heart.....He told me that he fought so long to not die (mainly because he was afraid of the suffering he may experience) and he really didn't know that it would be ok. He said it didn't hurt and it all went very well. This has been one of the things that I wanted to "talk" to him about. The other thing that had bothered me was in that last week........I did everything I could to make him comfortable and to be sure that everyone else had time with him.....that I never sat down with him to talk to him about the fact that he was dying. He told me that he didn't want to talk about it....and that is why I didn't do it.......he was avoiding it even though it was happening...and he was sorry that he avoided that for me (and for Sonja) that he should have talked more to us about it.<br />
<br />
He also said that he is still going to watch out for my car....protect me when I am driving and help me when things go wrong......<br />
<br />
I am sure that sounds weird but.....I really wanted to get it down in writing.......before it fades from my memory...although........I don't think it will fade too far.......Catiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10960198065615014550noreply@blogger.com0