September 7, 2015

The day has arrived. It officially has been one year since my Dad died. It is a new world without him. Things that I would have told him are left  unsaid.........memories are treasured.....gratitude is ever present for who my father was to me and so many others. he will be treasured by many for years to come.........and as long as I live, he will live on as well........there is a piece of immortality for each of us as we love those around us......who we are and how we treat others lives on........

Sunday, September 7, 2014

September 7, 2014 - Evening

This long day is nearly over for me. I have not slept since my Dad died. I am exhausted. I need to go to bed. The thought of it causes my stomach to squeeze and tears to sting my eyes. As if.....sleeping for the first time and then awaking in the morning will make it all real.
It is real. I know this. There are complications to all of this as well. Things that I really can't talk about here. My focus is to get through the funeral on Wednesday, after that I can work with the hole in my heart a bit easier. I want to pick up my phone and call my dad. I want to hear him say "Hi Slick"....just one more time..........

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Funeral Information

Funeral information for my Dad, Wayne Green, is Wednesday September 10, 2014 at Temple Hill Baptist Church,  1601 West Division St Cadillac, MI.  11 am is the visitation followed by the funeral service at Noon. A luncheon will be served afterwards.

We wanted to have it all in one day since a large majority of those who will attend must travel a fairly long distance. This way it can be a day trip with no hotel needed. 

In Lieu of flowers you can donate to the family or Heartland Hospice. Obituary to be in the newspapers in Cadillac Michigan and Three Rivers Michigan.


Is this real......or is it all just a really terrible dream?

Sunday, September 7, 2014

September 7, 2014 - Morning

I want to share about my father's passing......somehow it seems far too intimate to put into words. I will say that all of his children that could be there were there and his wife....we created a circle around his bed speaking love to him as he moved from this world to the next.

I have prepared bodies for transfer to the funeral home on many occasions. It is always a true honor. This time it was truly a sacred honor as my siblings and I made that journey together. 

Once his body was removed for the trip to the funeral home. I knew that I must take my trip home. I needed the safe warm arms of my husband. I didn't have any sleep on top of 3-4 hours per night for the last however many nights......but I knew today was the only day I had to spend with my husband after having been hours away from him for nearly a week. It feels good to be home. 

My heart called out for my father to be with me as I drove. I didn't feel him.....I just felt empty. I spoke to my daughter as I was getting close to home and soon I felt him show up........My children are pretty amazing.....(really....I am so blessed both of my sons and my daughter have been there for me and supported me through communication and love). My daughter has a gift and I know that she helped me find my dad this morning. As I pulled into our driveway and came into the house.....I was greeted by the warm safe arms of my husband who just let me cry and talk....and cry some more. I know.....There is a hole larger than I ever thought possible in my heart and I will miss, forever the feel of my fathers whiskers on my face as he hugged me and kissed me, the callused strong hands that would grab hold of me and pull me tight into his chest and hold me until I knew I was loved.......

This is a photo of my father holding my hand before he died, I am so happy to have this.......

For those of you mourning my Dad's death, or any other loss. Feel free to continue to follow my blog. It may get a bit messy, but I will be writing a post every day for the next year to track my healing. 

Thank you and big hugs for all who have followed along. I appreciate the time you took to read (and yes, the spelling errors and grammar errors were terrible, but that should get better now!) and get to know my father and love him.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

September 7, 2014 

Sunday September 7, 2014 at 1:28 am


This day and time will be etched in all of our hearts forever more as the day that we lost my Dad.
He was a Son, Brother, Husband, Father, Cousin, Uncle, GrandFather, Great GrandFather, Friend, and Mentor, and more to more people than can be counted.

And so it is.

More to come, but for now that is enough.

September 6, 2015

The last full day of my dad's life was one year ago today. He died in the early hours of September 7th 2014. Again, scroll to the bottom of the September 6th posts and read up. The most significant memory that I have is the very last post........I was between having a father and having lost a father...........there is an incredible difference between the two. The words are so similar, it seems like a smooth transition. The truth is, it is like night and day between having a father and having lost a father........forever more I have lost a father, forever more I will miss his laughter, his hugs, and his lofe for me......forever more I will cherish who my father was and be grateful for everything he gave to me.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

September 6, 2014 - Late night

.......I am not privy to what is in his thoughts, what it is that keeps him ticking.......a few years ago when we talked about his thoughts about being put on a ventilator, he had a strong opinion that if he were ever to be put on a ventilator or life support...............................that there should be a spare machine outside of his room in case the one he is on stopped working. It was a bit of a joke, however I believe it highlights his desire to live as long as he possibly could. 

He obviously doesn't want to go home nearly as badly as I want to go home right now........I don't know what he is gaining by waiting......I do know, after he is gone it will all make sense and I will know..........but right now.......knowing that life is just continuing on as if this man is not dying......makes me feel as if I am in a vacuum....even in this room.....with my family, waiting....out of stress or something.....conversation is just continuing as if there is not a dying man laying in the middle of the room.......It is nearly surreal. They are not being disrespectful.....I am simply somehow disconnected ....... in some form of limbo......between having a father and having lost a father........ 

Saturday, September 6, 2014

September 6, 2014 - 10 pm

And so it goes. We have not given my Dad any morphine for at least 90 minutes and he has not changed since the last update. He continues with a loud "rattle" with his breathing, unresponsive, and stubborn. The lack of sleep is wearing on me a bit. I packed up my car so I can head home to where it is safe and warm, so I can repack for a funeral. I thought earlier tonight that September 6 2014 was the date that would be etched in my heart forever.......now.....it may not.......Even without the morphine increasing his oxygen levels, he is fighting until his very last breath.  If you are old enough to remember how coffee used to be made in a "perculator" that is what his breathing sounds like.

So many thoughts run through my head....wondering what thoughts are running through his head........I know he is comfortable, meaning that he is not feeling any pain, that he is not struggling and grimacing. His face is relaxed and even an occasional smille floats across his face as if he is seeing something wonderful and beautiful. I hope all of his thoughts are wonderful and beautiful.

My brother who was 4 hours away ...driving to just be able to say goodbye to his father's body....is very likely going to arrive before my Dad's soul leaves us.......I am hoping the coffee is ready soon.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

September 6, 2014 Game time Update

About 6:30 tonight the fluid in my Dad's lungs increased significantly. He has a very strong "death rattle". I assured all that it is far more uncomfortable for us than it is for him as he is resting comfortably.  His lips and tongue became blue and cyanotic, he had mottling up his abdomen to his chest......all those close to Cadillac were called in.....the one brother who wishes to see my father before he leaves for the funeral home was called to drive the 4 hours back up............another dose of morphine was given.......

His lips are now pink, the mottling is gone.....and another "expert hospice nurse" prediction has bitten the dust. I think that he heard my predictions and used them to set his "goals" to aspire past......I can hear him saying it...."oh no you don't, I am not dying in the next 30 minutes".......tick tick tick.

We turned the game on and sit here with him..... admiring his resolve..........listening to the fluid rattle in his lungs as he struggles for each breath, in and out........

The truth is, the morphine increased his oxygen levels.......as long as he isn't coughing I won't give the morphine again.......but if he coughs, I can't allow the suffering that he endures with that and so it will go........

Updates as soon as possible........

Saturday, September 6, 2014

September 6, 2014 - Afternoon Update

In all the time I have spent working in hospice there is one thing that often takes me by surprise. As a hospice nurse you expect through the experience you gain in caring for those at the end of life, that you will be able to manage every patient's symptoms and keep them peaceful and comfortable until the end and that you are fairly good at predicting when that end will be. then comes along a patient that doesn't follow the "rules" of dying. It is not that there are well defined rules, however there are the generally accepted ones. As a hospice nurse you try to figure out why this patient is not following your "rules" for dying......and then it hits you...........

My dad is stubborn, strong, loved life, and wanted to live his way. As a insulin dependent diabetic, we heard him more than once have a snickers candy bar and then just say....I just give myself more insulin. He wasn't one to follow all of the rules, he wanted to do it his way. 

The truth about dying is this.........you die how you live. That is exactly what my dad is doing, he is dying exactly how he lived......stubborn, strong, loving life and doing it his way.

His heart rate is normaly in the 60's. It has been in the 80's most of the week, this morning it was 92 and just now when the hospice nurse came it was 110. This is a significant change. His lungs have wheezing sounds which means that he is beginning to collect fluid in his lungs. 

All of the physical signs are there that his time has arrived, but he is in control now....it is up to him when he is going to leave this world. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

September 6, 2014 - Light Hearted Post

Many of you are aware that 5 years ago I donated my kidney to my father. It was on his 70th birthday, July 1st 2009. I remember being in recovery and barely having my eyes open and asking how my dad was doing and they said that he already had urine in his catheter bag. Tears of joy streamed down my face. My selfish act was successful, I was able to keep my father on this earth longer.

What you must know is that the apple does not fall far from the tree.....at least not when it comes to his sense of humor. Thus, I had them take this photo in surgery so I could send it to him every year as I figured it was going to be his birthday gift forever more. :) (I still bought him gifts!)

So yesterday during a very moving moment with all of the family that was present around his bed for a prayer with my uncle Terry.......after the prayer with my 3 children standing around me at the end of the bed. I said ....."you know part of me is dying with grandpa"....my kids had sad faces and rubbed my back and said "it will be ok momma"....and I said......"no, really a part of me really is dying with him".....*pause* then they got it as a smile broke across my face.....they were a bit indignent saying "Mom, now is not a time to make jokes like that!" I said....Grandpa would have done it! And they laughed and said...."yes he would have!"

The truth is, the small physical part that once was mine and now belongs to him...will die with him......but another intangible part of me also will die with him.....that is how it feels you know.....as if something is dying inside of you knowing that you will lose him.....and you know nothing will ever be able to fill that hole. How could there be anything to replace the giant of a man he is and the love...oh my.....the love. He is "my person". I hope everyone has a person.......when I say "my person" I am refering to the fact that he is the one person that, no matter what I do, what I say.....nothing.ever.changes.his.love.for.me. He loved me fully and unconditionally. He was proud of me and didn't hesitate to show that. I often felt embarrased by his enthusiasm about his pride in me....(the hospice nurse that came last night had come before and when i talked with her recently she said...I think your father worshiped you....HA!) That is how it would seem to those who listened to him brag about me....but I wasn't the only child he did that with.....I know that, but it doesnt take away anything from how he allowed me to feel his unconditional love beyond measure. Nothing will ever fill that hole.....I wouldn't want it filled.....I want to remember, every day that he loved me without any boundaries....he just loved me.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

September 6, 2014

Every time I type the date in the title, I wonder if this is the date that will be forever etched in my heart as the date I lost my Dad. So far, none of the dates are that date. I don't know if today will be. He has beaten all of my predictions to date.

Jeremey who is the eldest son of Spencer (one of our siblings who is waiting in heaven for my Dad) is very special to my Dad. Jeremey lived in Hawaii for a bit as a soldier and now has a fancy job in North Dakota with an oil company. (we are all very proud of him and what he has accomplished, he also has one of the sweetest wives I have met, Amanda and 2 very polite and well behaved children that he adores). Jeremey went through a lot losing his father. In some ways I think he and my Dad have the closeness of a father and son. We really didn't know if Jeremey would be able to make it to see Dad. He was flying in for the ND vs Michigan game that is on today. Those of you who know me know that I am a huge homer for Michigan (with bragging rights since I actually attend the University of Michigan). My Dad, who loves  beyond measure, doesn't wish ill will to much. (nothing that I am aware of). The fact that he has remained a die hard lions fan all of these years, tells you something. *smile*. So when Jeremey called him on Thursday my dad told him, "I love you so much that I will even cheer for ND on Saturday". Seriously. *shaking my head*. ha!

So Jeremy arrived about 12:30 am. My dad who had only a few lucid moments yesterday awoke for him and fought to free his hands and arms from under the sheet covering him so he could wrap his arms around this young man that he loves. It was touching like so many other moments we have had the past few days with other family members as well.

By the time that everyone got to bed, it was 1:30 am. I relinquished my bed to Jeremey after his long flight and took up on a recliner in the living room with my Dad. At about 4:30 am, I look over and he is pushing the sheet off his legs and I see his legs start to swing towards the side of the bed. I jumped up and asked what he was doing. He said he wanted to sit up. I asked why he wanted to sit up. He said "so I know that I still can" I tried to convince him that Sonja and I needed some sleep and we could check on his 'sitting up' status in the morning. He was having no part of that......so he sat up in the bed, but didn't dangle his legs, we fixed his wedge and pillows and hoped that would be enough. Not so fast. "I have to pee" we discussed that he was too weak to stand. He then gave in to the depends, which I explained was underwear with a pocket to catch his pee. He had a few coughs and asked why he was coughing. I said, well I didn't wake up every hour to give you your medicine. He said "you are fired".....oh my......ha ha.  I said to him "so you are still fighiting this aren't you?" " he said, " well yes I am". He was concerned that his legs were getting weak from not walking or having done any exercises. so Sonja suggested she rub his legs....he liked that. Finally we got him back to sleep but I think it took us well over 30 minutes.

He just woke up again at 6:30 and I got his medicine before he could get to sassy again. I did ask if he was mad at me. He said no.

He has beaten the odds yet again.......I beleive he is holding out for a miracle. If anyone can get it (or deserves it) it is him. However with multi system failure (heart, lungs, kidney....) the odds of that are slim, although, who is going to tell him that....again. He is a fighter, he is fighting with every thing he has. As long as he is not suffering in pain or discomfort. I can take being wrong in my predictions..........tick, tick, tick.............

September 5, 2015

Today is Saturday September 5, 2015, I continue to be amazed at how quickly  everthing transpired with my father. Last year at this time, it felt like it took so much longer and I realize that each blog entry for this date seemed like a day within itself. I spoke to my brother Gary today. Both of us really wanted to go up to Cadillac on Monday which will be the one year anniversary of my Dad's death and see his grave stone. Neither of us are going to be able to go. I am disappointed, yet, well aware that I can go another time when it will be better for my soul. (because I will have additional time and I won't feel rushed). I have seen a number of posts from family members remebering my dad, so many people loved him. He was loved and even more, he loved with amazing Joy. Again, please go to the bottom of this post and read up one post at a time. Something that I didn't expect to think about as I "relived" these days.....remembering  being with him during this time and although he was not with us so much in the end.....I still miss him and miss the moments that I had with him at the end. I promised him that he would never be forgotten and it is the truth in more ways than I ever knew to be possible. I will love and miss him forever.

Friday, September 5, 2014

September 5, 2014 - Rally

We were able to enjoy a rally that my father had. For those who don't know what I mean by a Rally; this is a time that a person who is dying and has become unresponsive has a few moments of clarity. My Dad opened his eyes and one by one we each got a giant hug, some of us heard the words "I love you", some he just looked us in the eye and held a gaze. Me. I got the GIANT hug and a very long hold.............almost as if he was holding on to me so that he may be able to stay..........This man is the gift that keeps on giving........

Friday, September 5, 2014

September 5, 2014 - Late Evening

My dad is basically comatose. The coughing that happens for him was making him very uncomfortable so we stepped up the very LOW dose of morphine that we would give when his respirations became too labored. Just to explain a bit here.......My dad has Heart Failure. Specifically congestive heart failure. He also has COPD, Insulin dependent diabetes, kidney failure (after kidney transplant)....as you can see....he is quite the train wreck. He took a licking and kept on ticking.......and ticking.....and ticking.....until now. With his heart condition and the dying process, typically what we see with this type of disease process is that the lungs fill up with fluid and it makes it very uncomfortable to breath. It also causes very noisy breathing that in hospice we often refer to as the "death rattle".  We have been able to succesfully keep his symptoms under control. Most people are afraid of morphine and incorrectly think that by giving it death will come sooner. In reality the morphine used correctly increases the oxygen levels and can actually extend the dying process. Since we have managed his secreations, it is likely that our interventions have worked too well....and he keeps ticking........Somehow, I don't mind it at this moment. Earlier I was afriad that he was suffering and I was contributing to extending that suffering......now.....I am just thankful that my father is lying on the bed in front of me....still breathing.....even if he can't tell me he loves me right now.....somehow I find comfort that his soul remains present with us because I know all too soon his beautiful soul will be ascending to meet the other souls that await him........tick, tick, tick..........

Friday, September 5, 2014

September 5, 2014 - Evening edition

We attempted to fake my dad out and make him think that we had all left so he could have alone time with Sonja....I think that is how he wants to die.....privately with her. He has told a few people that he wants to die in his sleep or be dreaming. He didn't take the bait. We are thankful that Uncle Terry was here to pray with all of us around Dad.

So.....we wait. I beleive that he will take his exit at stage left some time in the night....with Sonja sleeping on the sofa next to him. It won't surprise me in the least. I know that he loves having everyone around and I don't think that he is afraid to die in front of all of us. I just feel that he wants it to be with this woman that he has loved for 43 years...in a more intimate way.

We have shared tears and laughs. It shouldn't surprise anyone at this point that each family member tells the same story....of the love that they have felt when he hugs them. Even as he lays here dying, the grip of his hand on our hand is so strong, as if he is giving us all of his strength in that one squeeze of the hand to say....I love you....and even as he has one foot in this world and one foot out.....we have no doubt that he loves us beyone measure.

I love you Dad, I will love you forever and you my father will live on for years to come through all the lives you have touched while you have been on this earth. You will never, ever be forgotten.

PS- his eyes have yellowed indicating the failure of his liver, his lungs are beginning to fill with fluid which makes him cough and that is the one thing that is causing him the most discomfort. I am watching the clock and giving the morphine every hour to help keep his cough under control. I do not want to see him suffer, that is what hurts my heart the most. Me. The hospice nurse expert. Unable. To. get. him. comfortable. It hurts my heart. Although, finally he does seem to have found this comfortable place to rest. I asked him this morning. "are you fighting to stay with us?" He said "yep" "I am giving it my all" That he is. That he is.

Friday, September 5, 2014

September 5, 2014 Afternoon Update

I remain in awe of how many lives my father has touched. So many of his grandchildren are posting photos of him on their facebook. It shakes my resolve as I find tears streaming down my face knowing that the looks that are defining of my father are captured in the photos posted.

These are 2 shared by my nieces. The first one is Chelsea Irwin getting a kiss from her Grandpa Green. It represents just how much passion he has for his family and a peek into what it feels like to get a kiss or a hug from him. The Second one is from Anna Bogen a shot she took of Grandpa at Christmas. He was laughing and this is so amazing to see because it represents his love of laughter and a face and laugh I have seen so many times. Together this represents my father perfectly.......love and laughter......<3

He continues to rest comfortably. He needs almost no medications. Occasionally his breathing gets too labored and I will give him some morphine and ativan. It is a very small amount. His best friend that he has had from high school is here to visit him. There are more grandkids enroute to get one last Grandpa Green hug and one last child of his Scott Warne that is also enroute. I believe that he is going to be able to leave this world seeing those who have wanted to see him and were able to get here.......he just needs to hang on for a little bit longer <3

Friday, September 5, 2014

September 5, 2014 - Mid Morning thought

It was raining here......just really raining......all I can think is how appropriate that today......the heavens are crying......crying for us that will be left here without this wonderful man

Friday, September 5, 2014

September 5, 2014 Morning update

Changes. No one expected any of this. There are so many who have been taken by surprise by the speed in which my dad has transitioned. I have some guilt about what I told my family about hospice care. I didn't lie and just for the record I believed that hospice would lengenth his life and improve his quality of life. The research tells us that is true. What I did not think of at the time, nor even consider as a posibility, is that there are some patients that fight so hard to stay alive and carry a heavy burden for those they are leaving behind. When hospice begins for this group of people, often through the hospice care and the family feeling more open to discuss end of life issues, the burden is lifted and the patient is able to relax into what their body has been trying to do for some time which of course is stop working and die. I believe this is what has transpired for my Dad. He loves us all so much and didn't want to leave us. Through hospice and our family discussions with him....his burden was lifted and he has relaxed into the present and quit fighiting so hard.

The changes have been fast. We are thankful for this time with him. for those who have been able to say goodbye. I said earlier today to come today or tomorrow. I just want you to know, if you don't make it before he leaves us, it wasn't that he didn't want to see you, but that he knew you would understand that it was time for his suffering to end.

Again, I have no crystal ball however I do beleive that today is very likely the day that he leaves us. He is stubborn enough to make it longer and that is possible, however the changes from last night to today are significant enough that I beleive his time is far more limited.

I will keep you posted. Please keep my brothers in your thoughts. I think this is harder on them then I anticipated. Pray for saftey for those who are driving to reach him in time. I have been praying for my Dad's Grandma Green to come to him......he loved her because as he told me....she loved him. I want someone that he FELT the same love that he gives to come to him and bring him home.

Friday, September 5, 2014

September 5, 2014

A slightly bumpy night here. Sonja sleeps on the sofa and I don't think anyone could take that spot from her (I don't think we would even try). One thing you should know is that he loves this woman in the truest possible way. They have been married 43 years. I know it wasn't the easiest road for them, but they share a love that runs deep. 

About 2am Sonja comes into the downstairs bedroom where I sleep and I woke up and my first thought was......oh no........and she said that my dad wanted to use the urinal. I felt a huge wave of relief. I got to see him sitting on the side of his bed. He said that he didn't think he could stand up. We trouble shooted a bit and I asked if he was having any pain related to the need to urinate. He said no, he didn't have to go that bad. So I said, let's wait until you do have to go. (My hope was maybe we could get some depends or something by that time). He was good with that and we got him laying back down. I sat up for a few minutes until I felt as if he was just resting comfortably again.

About 4:30 I see the dining room light go on (I think Sonja knew I was a bit startled the first time so she took a "lighter" approach, pun intended...ha). So I jumped out of bed to find my father sitting on the edge of the bed again. We were not sure what we were going to do. Sonja and I were going back and forth with ideas when my dad opened his eyes big and said, "just hold me up" and he just jumped up on his feet. (He is very stubborn). So we went with it and he was able to empty his bladder. 

His nose was plugged, so we used some nasal spray to help clean it out. This lead to a few rounds of vomiting. Another round of nasal spray and then back to bed. I gave him some morphine for the shortness of breath. Sonja and I sat on either side of the bed and just held his hands. I asked him if he felt like he was fighting to stay alive. He said "yep, I am just giving it all that I have". For a long time in hospice we told people to "give permission" to your loved one to die. We learned a few years back that it was a rather silly notion and may even be harmful. Really....who wants someone sitting on the edge of your bed telling you....I give you permission to die.....I would be like...sweet....Thanks a lot! Thus, there was no permssion offered to my Dad, however I did use the opportunity for there to be some frank discussion for him and Sonja. 

As I initially sat on the edge of the bed, he tried to scoot himself over. I told him not to worry about making room for me. He said, "I want to make room for you". This is the image of my father I want to share with you. A man who truly is suffering at this time, laboring for each breath and yet he is more concerned about my, not so small, arse having enough room to sit. I think you can see why I don't want to lose him. But now.........this suffering.......is so great. Tears streamed down my face just sitting and watching him work for every breath. I know he is fighting, fighting to take each breath ,to stay in this world to see as many of those that he loves as he possibly can. He knows that he can't see everyone. He told me a few days ago that I will see who I see and those that I don't get to see, I just won't get to see. But he knows......there are more coming......so he continues to fight for every breath.

If you wish to see my father, I am asking that you try to come today or tomorrow if it is possible. This suffering is so great. I am sure to him there is value in this suffering knowing he gets to be here for those who are coming. That sounds just like my father......letting himself suffer so others can be cared for. 

September 4, 2015

I have had a very busy week of orientation as a new faculty member at the University of Michigan School of Nursing. It is not lost on me that I have started working at my DREAM job exactly one year after having walked through losing my father.....a man who would be incredibly proud of me for this achievement. More on that later.....first....a walk through 2 days from a year ago.  There are a few posts, so start at the bottom and read up......


Wow....I reember that it went so quickly, but after reading through these posts, I am shocked at just HOW quickly it really went. Tuesday morning he let go of his hope of having a heart cath and within 24 hours he had let go, and 12 hours after that he was bed bound. The most remarkable thread that runs through these posts is the fact that in such a short period of time so many people came to see him and he lived hours away from most family. What a wonderful gift so many people gave him. I remember each of the moments that I wrote about below....the joyful moments and the sorrowful moments........in particular.....the dichotomy of Joy and Sorrow.....I remember as if it were yesterday the joy of knowing this giant of a man and that he was my father and the sorrow of knowing that I was going to lose him in a matter of days............3 more days

Thursday, September 4, 2014

September 4, 2014 - Evening update

Sorry to keep anyone hanging. My Dad is still with us. Breathing is labored. Most of the company has gone. *Deep Breath* I am. I just am. My Aunt Norma and Aunt Susan gave me the best hugs today that brought out a little bit of the daughter out. I logically know I need to be the daughter....it is just harder for me to let that out when the professional seems to be needed.
If I were doing nursing charting on his condition at this moment I would say:

Patient actively dying. Multiple system failure. 1+ pitting edema bilateral lower extremities. Ascites (edema around the abdomen). Irregular body temparture regulation. Labored breathing. Sleeping 22 out of 24 hours. Oxygen at 6 liters per Nasal Cannula. Pulse bounding and 80 beats per minute. no food intake since AM. Insulin pump removed. Sliding inslin scale in place if needed.

Here is what I say as a daughter.

My father is loved by more people then I possibly could imagine. I sit in awe of the flow of people, some that I have never met, coming to his bedside to tell him how loved they have always felt by him, what a wonderful role model he is to the teenage children of one who stoppped by......it is countless. Such dichotomy to feel such joy and such sorrow at the same time.

The daughter version is so much nicer to read..............

My gut says that he is trying to make it to Sunday to see Jen, John and the kids......his symptoms give me pause as to if he can make it......it is my hope that he does.

No more updates tonight unless there is a change in his condition. I will update first thing in the morning should the night go by without a bump.

I can't thank each of you enough for reading along, for loving my Dad, and for doing whatever you can to let him know that. All of the moments have been treasured by him....and those of us sitting in awe of it all.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Family

We have such a large family. The Wayne Green Family alone is 55 and that doesn't count those that we still consider part of our family but are not yet married in. The Paul Green Family (my Dad's father and my dad's siblings) number into the hundreds. It isn't a surprise to see how loved my father is. My uncle Dave wrote something on facebook not too long ago about my Dad that said You have never been really hugged until you have been hugged by Wayne Green, he grabs you and doesn't let go until he is sure you feel his love. Let me tell you, this is the most accurate description you could be given.

This man is a giant of a man. He has not lived a perfect life. Probably far from it in different ways....but it isn't about how perfect you can live your life.  He has given countless people love beyond measure. I am sure there are people he has touched deeply that he doesn't even know about.

Those we know about, were some that were just here. It is touching to see how much he is loved. Moreover, think about the meaning this brings to HIM to hear how each of his family members feel about him and how he has touched their lives. As much as it is painful to watch someone you love suffer and die......the blessing of your loved one being allowed to hear that his life had purpose and meaning....is worth every moment that we wait..........and decreases his suffering just a little more.......Thank you Aunt Norma, Uncle Dick, Aunt Susan, Uncle Al, Cousin Deb, Chelsea and Keith, Shawn, Tara, Zach, Anna, Christian, Linda, Scott and all the babies for coming to remind my dad what a truly beautful soul he is.

My Dad is taking a break at the moment, (a nap) one that is well deserved. He has some labored breathing, but is at least sleeping. He was resting earlier and he had a smile on his face. I accidently woke him up at that moment.....and he said he was dreaming of a beautiful little girl.....I said I am sorry I woke you up....he said...Me too....I don't know who she was, but she was a pretty little girl.... (Edited to add my cousin Deb, I am so sorry that I missed putting your name in there!)

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Blessings

This. This is what he wants. He wants to hold the babies. I went into detail about the immortality of what this means. I beleive that to be true on a level that he doesn't comprehend. What he does know and what is so incredibly beautiful is that he said he wants to hold them again so that he can bless them. This man, who is lying in a bed dying is thinking about babies and wanting to bless them. I am so sad, I don't want to loose this man in my life. :(  PS, Thank you Jennifer Riopel for the photos of Ayvah and Grandpa I am so grateful you were there at this moment at the reunion to get these photos!) <3

Thursday, September 4, 2014

September 3, 2014 Noon update

My Dad is sleeping a lot, but is able to visit with company. The hospice nurse is finsihing up. Her assessment matches what I think as well. He has days to weeks left. What is most concerning is that he has transitioned so quickly to this point that he likely doesn't have weeks left. Again, no one has a crystal ball here. We only have experience of what other patients we have seen go through this process.

We have been open and honest with him about everything. As you can imagine, he still has his sense of humor, so you can expect to hear a few jokes about the fact that he is still "sucking air".....come enjoy the moments.....they are precious!

Thursday, September 4, 2014

September 4, 2014

Seven AM and we all slept the last 5 hours. More importantly, we all are still breathing this morning. I woke up at 5 and checked on him. He was sleeping and breathing, so I didn't touch him. I wasn't sure that I could go back to sleep, but I did. He remains sleeping and breathing and again, I really don't want to wake him up. Sonja is sleeping as well and heaven knows she needs it too. So sitting in the back bedroom to give you this quick update. I think I will grab a shower and try to get a few things picked up and organized. Depending on how my Dad is when he wakes up will determine how I spend the rest of today. I do need to retrieve some things from the West Branch office if nothing else. I also know that his hospice nurse is coming this morning and I think I want to at least be here for that visit and review with her what I think needs to be on hand medication wise should he continue to go on this path we will need to manage secreations and we don't have a couple of things that will help do that. That was probably more information than you wanted. (as well as one long run on sentence...and I am tying this instead of fixing that....ha....)

I am feeling like he is hanging in there. Likely so that he can see everyone who has called to say that they are coming between today and Sunday. I will tell you that the extra beds are full starting tonight and through Sunday. So there is no room at the "Green Inn" at this time for sleep overs. Day trips are available and desired! Please come. Even if he rallys and enjoys a few more months, you will bring a smile to his face at a time that he is pretty low.

Ok....updates will continue every few hours until I know he is out of the woods.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Resting comfortably

The bed is in the living room and he is asleep (ok, was asleep....now he is moving the bed up and down...oh my) Ok, I thnk he is comfortable again. I think Sonja and I are both afraid to go to bed. I think we both should though.....tomorrow may be a long day.....and I have a feeling tonight isn't going to be a walk in the park either. Will be calling my siblings in the morning......For Dad's siblings....he did ask at one point tonight if the Christmas party was this weekend. I asked why he wanted to know and he said, "well if it is this weekend, I may be able to make it". We told him it is next weekend and that this weekend lots of the grand kids are coming to visit. Ok....off to try to sleep....maybe in the recliner.....

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

September 3, 2014 - Take Two

It has been a rough night and about to get a tad more chaotic. It is nearly midnight and we are waiting for the DME company to bring a hospital bed. The fact that he accepted having a hostpital bed  brought into his living room in the middle of the night is fairly telling. He can't catch his breath, he has a fever. I just gave him roxanol to help with his breathing and that is making him more comfortable. We are watching Jimmy Falon, waiting for the bed. The fact that he has a fever is bothersome as that often comes as part of the end of life process. I will keep you posted as things transpire. This could just be a bad spell and he will rally for a few days, weeks or months. My gut tells me we are looking at days. Please be mindful of his condition as you come to visit. The bed is here.......more in a bit

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

September 3, 2014

There are lots of calls coming in for visits for my Dad. He is very loved.....and he loves everyone. I want everyone that can see him to see him. Please be mindful of a few things:
1. What my dad is going through in many ways Sonja is going through too. (on a deep emotional level). She is a strong person and also private in many ways. You likely won't notice the pain she is feeling and all that she is dealing with.
2. Don't expect that you can stay the night here. Please ask Sonja first. If you have small children (whom my Dad wants to see very much) it isn't going to be a wise idea to spend the night here. Day trips are recommended. Obviously those who are traveling far Sonja will want to accomodate you.
3. Again, having company can be costly, please be considerate. Bring a drink. Bring some cookies to share. If you are unable to do that, please don't let that stop you from coming!!!!! (seriously!)

I say these things because he is not doing well. Again, please know that I have no magic ball and I have no way of knowing except for my experience in hospice care....I also will add.....that experience and the fact that I am his daughter are colliding on a rather uncomfortable level.......

More in a bit........