December 25, 2014

My story for 43 years has consisted of not feeling loved. Just plain and simple, I am putting that out there. (it isn't like I haven't put that out there before) It for  lack of a better phrase, is my cross to bear. I have done much personal work around this concept. I have learned to love myself in many different ways. Accept myself for the good and the bad.
As you know, if you have been reading my blog, my Dad loved me beyond reason. I didn't "know" this all of my life. There is a marked difference in memories from prior to his divoricing my mother and after he divorced my mother. And then, there is the last 5-6 years that I "forgave"some shortcomings and accepted my Dad for who he was in my life. That was a game changer that I am thankful for.
Today, the first Holiday season without my father around, I have had a more difficult time getting into the season as they say. This isn't unusual for anyone that has lost a significant person in their life. I did the best I cold though for my husband. (we celebrate with my kids in January). He on the other hand is just incredible at remembering things, researching things and just simply making sure that he has covered his bases when it comes to gift giving.
Now, before I continue on, allow me to say that spending money on gifts isn't the point. It isn't about how much money was spent....what I am about to discuss is the meaning behind the gifts.

First you must know that for most of my life, presents were not something that were special for me. (except my mom, anything my mom bought me was always special to me, I can't say why, but even to this day, if she just gives me a kitchen towel...I am thrilled....I think it is because I love that she just thought about me. (again, it really isn't about the money, more about the thought).

Then I was a single mom for 20 years and you just don't get presents on Christmas morning when you are a single mom.

Enter David Doman. I met him in 2008 and we married in 2010. He knows how to gift. He is amazing at it actually.  This year he researched glass beads and bought tools that would make certain beads that he thought were cool. He bought a bench light for my studio. Let's just say, he basically thought of everything that he could have to give me things for bead making. In my stocking was my favorite chocolate and a bag of jelly beans (which are my favorite),  a bunch of coins for a bunch of car washes (which he knows I love to get my car washed). Lottery tickets (which is something fun we love to do as a treat) He bought me my favorite perfume (coco Chanel Mademesille) AND because I can't take perfume with me on the plane, he bought me 2 small atomizers that are TSA approved. So you see....he just truly thinks of everything. Then.......came this

Allow me to explain. He has been collecting scrap gold as a "savings". He took this gold to the jeweler that he works with and had him make this pendant. He designed it, with the diamonds and the word LOVED carved in the front and a Diamond for the "O". On the back .....something that he always writes on my cards is ever thine, ever mine, ever ours.....and his initial "D".

What he really didn't know (or likely DID know) is that the word LOVED......has a special meaning to me since my Dad died because....he loved me so unconditionally.

Now....what I need to say is....with my dad having died, it isn't that I don't feel loved. I know that I am loved. My kids love me, David loves me...my mother and brothers love me......I know this and that fact is not lost on me.......my Dad's love was as close to "God's love" that I have gotten to.......such an unconditional....pure love.

So....I write this now for two reasons. First. My Dad would be so incredibly happy to know (and he was happy, and did know how much David loves me) but today........I know he was looking in.....and patting David on the back and saying....well done...well done. Second.......My "story" of not feeling loved needs to end today.
For
I
Am
LOVED.
This is my new story........this is the true story....and I now have my "badge" to wear every day, just in case I revert back to the old story.
Old dogs can learn new tricks :) I am grateful for having someone in my life who cares enough about me to give me such an incredible Christmas morning, and for my wonderful children and my mother and my brothers. I am truly fortunate to have them. Grateful is a theme that is the ribbon that runs through this grief.........

December 19, 2014

When Great Trees Fall

When Great trees Fall,
rocks on distant hills shudder,
lions hunker down
in tall grasses,
and even elephants
lumber after safety.

When great trees fall
in forests,
small things recoil into silence,
their senses
eroded beyond fear.

When great souls die,
the air around us becomes light, rare, sterile.
We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes, briefly,
see with
a hurtful clarity.
Our memory, suddenly sharpened,
examines,
gnaws on kind words
unsaid,
promised walks
never taken.

Great souls die and
our reality, bound to
them, takes leave of us.
Our souls, dependent upon their
nurture,
now shrink, wizended.
Our minds, formed
and informed by their
radieance,
fall away.
We are not so much maddened
as reduced to the unutterable ignorance of dark, cold
caves.

And when great souls die,
aftrer a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregulary. Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
better. For they existed."

Maya Angelou

The glass community is special. I know many people across the country and the world. The kindness that is shown is something quite amazing really. A little bit ago, a little secret santa opportunity popped up. A sort of exchange where one artist would make a necklace and earrings for an artist and they would exchange. I signed up. Truthfully, when ever I do these exchanges, I am typically a little disappointed. I can't really say why, as I don't expect much and am happy with what is gifted to me. So I made my necklace and earrings to exchange. I wasn't exactly happy with them, but I didn't have  more time to make more beads and create another set, so I sent them.
Today, I went to the mailbox. In it was a box for me. It did not dawn on me that it was the exchange items. I had been ordering some supplies to make hair clips for my grand daughters and for some reason I thought it was some of the supplies. So I opened it and unfolded the pink tissue paper.....and out falls this necklace.......the incredibly beautiful necklace and matching earrings. My breathe was sucked out of me, my knees even felt weak, as I reached for the necklace, I see a poem that was included.....I have already begun to cry at this point.....that somoene would be so kind and generous to send me such an amazing piece......then I read the poem that I printed above.........and it was all over........tears were streaming down my face.......the poem is exactly, exactly........my Dad. Oh how I want to make her another necklace and earrings....(LOL), I don't even think I could make something special enough for her. What a wonderful gift I was given. I could never thank her enough. Not only for the generous necklace and earrings but for the poem and just for caring enough about a perfect stranger to send a package so perfect........there just are no words. PHOTO COMING SOON!!!

December 15, 2014

For the past 20 years....I have said in the course of "supporting" a grieving loved one that holidays are difficult times. Take your time, get through them. Be present with the pain. It will get better.

I really think it is interesting that we know something on a "book" level, just raw knowledge but until we actually walk it......we really have no clue what it actually FEELs like.

It feels bad.

It feels like you just wish you had one more Christmas with them. Just one more time to show them how much you love them.

I think "regret" is the worst part. Thinking how you should have done more.....shown more how important and special that person was to you.

For me, as I have shared multiple times....my Dad...loved me. I actaully don't have a lot of "good" memories of him in the years that I was growing up. At least not after my parents divorce and I was 8 when that happened. I don't remember a lot those first 8 years.....but I do remember that I was special to my dad then.....I think my mom was even jeaoulous of how special I was to my dad. Then when they divorced and a short time later he remarried..........I didn't feel like that special girl anymore. Things were never the same. Then about 10 years ago.....I did some personal work and was able to see him for who he was to me and that began creating that bond again between us. Once again I felt like I was the most special girl in all the land.

It is difficult to explain it fully, especially on a blog that others may read. Let's just say, that no matter how others in my family felt about me.......my dad was steadfast in his love for me. I never had to question that. There was never a time that you hear that he may have said something about me when I wasn't around.......all he ever did was think I was the most special girl ever in the world.

I don't have anyone left in my family who loves me like that. He was the only one. (Now, my husband loves me in the most incredible way and I have 3 children who I adore and they adore me...I am talking about my extended family) They love me, I think that they just don't like me.

I just miss him and I do wish that he was still here and I could talk to him again and get a big hug and a scratchy whisker kiss....and that I could tell him one more time.....that he taught me how to love.....he taught me how to love unconditionally..........he gave me so much......I am grateful for that.

In 30 minutes it will offically be 3 months to the minute that my dad died. I haven't been writing here every day, as you can see. I think about my dad every day. I miss him every day. Today, I just started crying for no reason.....my heart just became very sad.......and  I realized that Sunday was the 7th of December which marks 3 months since he left...died.....It feels as if he left.......just left. I hate that I won't get to talk to hi again.

I am not hanging on......I have moved through stages......I found myself at Gratitude and that made a big difference for me....just to be able to have gratitude when I think of him.

None of that takes away the fact that I am missing a significant person in my life. I feel very much like an island. I know that my father was the one who understood me....or at least loved me in spite of whatever it is that the rest of my family finds distasteful about me. He just loved me, even when no one else could........there was never that "tone" of disapproval.....never the silence that comes when I didn't do something right.....but no one is going to say anything.....they are just going to whisper and talk about it........Not my dad.....he would have said something.......he would ask me about it. He would want to know what was my side of things......and then..........that would be all. Even if he didn't agree with how I saw things.......he would still... LOVE ME.......and not hold anything back. I don't even know if my Dad liked me.......because it didn't matter if he did..........he just loved me.  Just......LOVED me............How incredibly fortunate am I that I had that....I really am grateful, so inredibly grateful. I really do wish that I could have had my dad with me in this life longer.....

November 24, 2014

I updated my computer software and it changed the way I have my "favorite" pages set up. It has been driving me a little nuts! So this blog was visible to me everyday before, so it made it easy to click on it and write. I think about writing everyday.....but it seems when I am at the computer, I don't always remember.  I think that I also am "healing" so to speak, so I have less emotion to vent.

Yesterday I had a "talk" of sorts with my dad. No I couldn't see him....not like that....but simply a knowing in my heart.....He told me that he fought so long to not die (mainly because he was afraid of the suffering he may experience) and he really didn't know that it would be ok. He said it didn't hurt and it all went very well. This has been one of the things that I wanted to "talk" to him about. The other thing that had bothered me was in that last week........I did everything I could to make him comfortable and to be sure that everyone else had time with him.....that I never sat down with him to talk to him about the fact that he was dying. He told me that he didn't want to talk about it....and that is why I didn't do it.......he was avoiding it even though it was happening...and he was sorry that he avoided that for me (and for Sonja) that he should have talked more to us about it.

He also said that he is still going to watch out for my car....protect me when I am driving and help me when things go wrong......

I am sure that sounds weird but.....I really wanted to get it down in writing.......before it fades from my memory...although........I don't think it will fade too far.......

November 16, 2014

I packed up the hat and the picture of my dad that my brother Gary and I have shared custody of (it is a little joke between us) He gets it for his birthday which is at the end of November and then when my birthday comes around in May he is supposed to give it back to me. I bought a wooden box at Michaels and stained it. Then I printed a photo of my dad laughing and added a script that said.....Dad, a son's first hero and a daughter's first love. and mod podged it on the top of the box. I lined it with some paper and decorated the inside of the lid. Then I put the frame with the photo of my dad wearing the hat and the hat as well as one of his handkerchiefs.

I FORGOT TO TAKE A PHOTO OF ALL OF THAT! :(

I sent it home with my son so my brother could pick it up.

I get emotional when my kids visit. Not just since my Dad died....but I always have since I moved over to Ann Arbor. They come to visit and I love it....then they leave to go home......and I cry after they leave (sometimes before they leave, but I try to not do that!) It is almost silly.....but I just love them so much.......

So today.....although I had such a wonderful time hanging out with my son and his girlfriend Helen.......I now have this heavy heart. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful that they were here and I even hate to say it....but it just is the truth.

So when I realized the hat and the photo that sat on my mantel is now gone....and the box I made to store it between its travels......I didn't get a picture of.......ohhhh.....sad.

It doesn't negate my progress. It just is feelings for today......it is all good.......and....I still miss him.........would give a lot.....to talk to him one more time......

November 11, 2014

I had not meant to not write here since Friday! I have been busy, however I am always busy! I have thought of my dad often since Friday. I called 2 of my brothers on Saturday to check in on them. I messaged with my cousin Susie, which was really nice. I am hoping to get together with her soon.

I feel the full gratefulness of having the father that I had in my life. He wasn't perfect, but as I said at his funeral, it isn't about being perfect. In fact.....he was perfect for me.

Everyday.....I think of him.....and I shake my head and think.....I can't beleive that I am not going to see him or talk to him again on this earth. That makes me sad to think of that......but I now have an automatic switch that takes me back to the gratitude. I am really thankful for that.

I will love him forever, I will miss him forever.....and now....forever I will be grateful for him in my life :)