September 16, 2014

One thing is for certain, being back at work. I have very little time to "think" about things. I did find myself referring to the loss of my dad a number of times yesterday. I had dinner with a very good friend that is my counterpart in consulting, she does consulting for the home care side. We often would be traveling to the same offices and would be able to have dinner together. It was nice, because as a consultant you are like an island in many ways. So we had one last "working" dinner together last night. We will remain friends and talk via email and phone and occasionally get together. I treasure her friendship, she has been a good friend. She came to my dad's funeral. She lost dad last winter, I think we are coming upon a year. I know there was snow and I think it was before Christmas. I went to the viewing. So she let me talk about my dads death a bit last night. It was kind of her to let me rehash some things.
My job promotion is interesting timing.....or actually my dad's death is interesting timing. I am losing my working relationships with a number of people who have been very supportive of me. So I am feeling additional loss on top of losing my father. I hope I don't cry at the end of the week....but if I do.....I will know that I needed to do that. I just hope I can wait until I get into my car! :)

I brought two photos of my father and me with me. It was a last minute thought and I just grabbed them.  I remember those moments that the photos were taken. They were special moments, mainly because he was there.

 I think that says it perfectly......which of course means that I will not have anymore of those memorable moments with my Dad.
Honestly, I still can't believe that he is gone. I logically know that he is.............but something inside of me thinks....noooo....he will be there ....he will call any minute wondering why I haven't called him in a bit. I know that isn't true....I think my heart is protecting itself. If we really felt all the grief at one time of losing a father, I believe we would die of a broken heart. As I said yesterday......our body protects us from feeling it full force and allows it to come in waves.

Tonight I need to work on my dissertation. Tomorrow night I am going to visit his grave it is about an hour and a half drive from here. It is the closest I will get for some time. I want to mark it with some flowers because until we get the funeral paid for, we can't think of a head stone yet. So I want something there to mark his grave.

I hope his spirit comes to visit me when I am there.........I want so badly to speak with him......at least I want to know that he is there.....to somehow feel him being there.