August 22, 2015

I am not feeling well. I was not feeling well yesterday either and thus I didn't post here yesterday. So you are getting a big dose today as there are 3 posts from last year to put up.

First I shared on the blog here that Dad was signing up for hospice, and one year ago today is the day that he actually signed up for hospice. We had no idea that in 2 weeks he would die. As you can see by the post below, the point of putting him on hospice was to improve his quality of life and hopefully the length as well. For many patients that is true. For my father, he was one of those people who relaxed into the process. The truth is, he would have been in and out of the hospital for a few more months, maybe longer and then died in his sleep one night. So although we had him for a shorter period of time, it was quality time and family members were able to come and see him and say goodbye. That meant a lot to him and to each family member. Today was the beginning of the end for my dad one year ago today.....he is missed by so many of us.......

Friday, August 22, 2014

August 22, 2014 - Take Two

Guess who is home! For those who saw my Dad on Sunday, you will be happy to know he looks much better today.

Hospice is here to do the admission.  Again, hospice is just going to help manage his care so he can feel as good as possible. The hospice admission is taking a little longer because of course he has to tell all of his stories and jokes to the hospice nurse. :) Thankfully he doesn't need much help right now. He can still take his own shower and all of that. We really just want to keep his symptoms managed so he can enjoy his life a little more!

So here is the converstation at the moment:
Catie: "Dad, you have a captive audience with this Blog, everyone is coming to read about you, do you want to tell them anything?"
Wayne:  "Well, I ain't dead yet"
Shelley: "You don't want to be doing tombstone jokes yet"
Wayne: *smile*

We are having fun. One thing is for sure. If you get Shelley and I together, there is bound to be hilarity ensueing.........

Thursday, August 21, 2014

August 22, 2014

This update is one hour early, but I need to make sure that everyone knows that I am sincerely sorry that some of you heard the news about my father getting hospice this way. I asked my father if it was ok to write this blog and to talk about hospice. What I did not take the time to stop and think about were some people who are close to my father who should have heard this information in person, or at least with a phone call. I truly apologize for that. I do hope that my post on the 21st about what hospice care really means brings some comfort to all of you. 

Shelley and I are up in Cadillac to see Dad. We visited with him for a bit tonight in the hospital. He is coming home tomorrow. Hospice will come over and complete the admission for him. The kidney specialist will continue to monitor his kidney function (at this time his labs are very high for his kidney function and they need to be low). Dad will make a decision at some point on if he will have a heart catheritization in Ann Arbor or not. It is important that he makes his own decisions about the care he recieves. He is of sound mind and has every right to decide what is best for him. I know that we all will support him in his decisions. 

I will be here for a good part of the day tomorrow to help get him home and get the hospice admission completed. Shelley will be here for the weekend. Shelley and I have worked out a "phone tree" of sorts. When information needs to be shared Sonja will notify both Shelley and I. In turn we will each call our brothers. We each will be responsible for our own kids. Hopefully this way, any change will be known by the family before it goes on the blog :) I will also call Aunt Susan who will let the siblings know. Please don't let your mind go to a morbid place. I am not talking about "dying"....just information that should be shared person to person and not in a non personal way via social media! 

I hope this helps. I really know how much everyone loves him and just wanted to make sure everyone that wants information is able to get it. You all probably are aware of this, but my dad prays for  every single member of our family, every single night. Including the girlfriends of his grandkids. He loves each and every one of you. He truly does. New update tonight......or tomorrow night.....the days are running together!

Thursday, August 21, 2014

August 21, 2014

A summary of how we got to this point.  Sunday at the family reunion my dad was not feeling well. By Monday evening Sonja took him to the emergency room at the Cadillac hospital. He remains in the hospital at this time. They are working on getting his labs that relate to his kidney function decreased. Once he goes home he is going to have hospice come in to help him manage his care. 

Hospice is a word that often brings fear to people when they hear it. I know hospice in a way that brings me comfort. I want to share with you just a bit about hospice and how it can help my father. Many think that hospice comes in to help people die. The truth is actually the opposite of that. Hospice helps people to live to the best quality of life a person can possibly live, for as long as they can possibly live it. 

There is no one else on this earth that wants my father to live as long as possible than I do. I can’t even tell you how desperately I don’t want to see him leave this world. The research is out there that speaks to how hospice helps people live, on average 30 days longer than those who do not have hospice care. 

So back to how hospice comes in to help you live; hospice is holistic care. Hospice looks at not just the medical issues, but also the spiritual and psychosocial issues that are present. Hospice also considers the family a patient as well. This team of experts comes together to work with the patient and family to build a plan of care around the patient’s own goals. 

The goal is simple. We want my dad to feel as good as he possibly can for as long as he possibly can. Often when a patient comes on to hospice care, their symptoms are managed and some of the emotional burden is lessened and patients are no longer eligible for hospice and are discharged. My dad’s goal is to outlive his hospice admission! Everyone who knows him knows that is a real possibility! 

Facebook is not the place that I wish to keep people posted. I know how much he is loved by so many and I want to ensure that you all are able to keep up with him. So I have started this blog and I will post daily. Thank you for loving him! He is an incredible man. Please be sure to leave comments, I am sure he will be reading along with you all!

August 20, 2015

Had my Dad not gone on to hospice last year, he would have gone in and out of the hospital for a few more months. As you can read below, he was in the hospital again just before going on hospice. 

And then...there is the joke......always the joke. I miss that so much. I remember him telling me that joke....so often I just shook my head at him.....I should have laughed longer and harder....I miss him.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

August 20, 2014

I just talked with my dad and he is still in the hospital. He thinks that he will go home today. I told him about the blog so he said to tell everyone that they started him on a new pill that should help him breathe better and he thinks it might be working. They are not going to do the heart cath at this time as his kidney function is not good enough to use the dye for the cath. He likely will be heading home tomorrow. I will be heading up to Cadillac to see him tomorrow afternoon and evening.

He did share a joke with me today. There was a man who went into a bar. The bartender said "would you like a cup of coffee?" The man said "no, I tried that once and I didn't like it". The bartender said, "well would you like some pretzels?" The man said "No, I tried that once and I didn't like it". The bartender said, "well, would you like a beer?" The man said "No, I tried that once and I didn't like it". Then the man said "I am just here to meet up with my son". The Bartender said "let me guess, you only have one son?"

PS - I titled this blog CHASING DAD, because that is what so many of us do. Chase after him! He is an energizer bunny, some kind of walking miracle really. Defying all the odds, time after time. Thus.....Chasing Dad.

August 19, 2015

One year ago today my father agreed to try hospice. Although the caveat was that he was first going to have a heart cath. I began this blog on this day one year ago to keep my family informed about his health and as you see below, I hoped it would be a long lasting blog about his life. Instead it turned out to be a blog about his death and my subsequent grief. I still shake my head in wonderment that he is gone. As most people who have lost someone that they love, regrets seep through the cracks in me.....I should have called him more, I should have gone to see him more......The truth is, I could have been a better daughter. Even with that being true.......he still loved me without condition. His love didn't lessen because I didn't call one week.........it just was....always the same....always warm and comforting. 

As I approach the one year anniversary of his death I will be posting each day as I walk the journey of his final days. I need to do this for closure. I will miss him forever, some days more than I can bare.....however i feel strongly that there will be a release for me in this process, some sort of letting go. There is a song that I often sing in the car, thinking of him.....it is titled "Can't let you go".......I will never let go of his memory, of his love, his laughter and hugs........but I can let go of the enormous grief of losing him. So this is my final walk through this grief. There may be times that I dip my toes in it again....but I won't be swimming in it :) This process will be capped off with a visit to his graveside on September 7th. His head stone was just placed this week. He is buried in Cadillac, so I don't get to see his grave. In fact I only went one time about 2 weeks after he died. I never really understood why people went to their loved ones graves......afterall, they are not there......just the vessel of where there soul resided is there.....I understand now......it is just a place to connect to him. A way to continue to care for him by planting flowers or some thing. I will be planning a little someting for my time there.

See you tomorrow...........

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

August 19, 2014

Today my Dad agreed to try hospice care. It was a big decision for him. Before he begins hospice care he is planning to have a heart cath done in the next day or two. I am starting this blog to keep everyone posted on his journey going forward. Each day I will create a post and provide an update. I will also share some thoughts and memories. I welcome you to share your thoughts and memories in the comment section. I know he will appreciate whatever you have to say! So the journey begins and I hope and pray that this blog lasts for years to come!

June and July- Moving forward

June and July have not passed without feelings and emotions for me. I simply did not get anything down in words here at the blog. I apologize for those who some how are connecting with reading about death and greiving. 

June was Father's Day and that was a difficult time. The worst part was the weeks prior to Father's Day. Entering a store and being confronted with the "Father's Day" Signs....knowing I couldn't buy anything for him. In particular were the cards. He loved cards. He really enjoyed the humourous cards and although I enjoyed them, I often opted for the fluffy ones to let him know how much I loved him.....although he would have enjoyed the humourous one more!

July 1st was his birthday and it also was the 6th anniversary of the kidney transplant. A nice reminder that we had him longer here on earth due to his kidney transplant. 

As August approaches......we approach the final leg of this year long journey of "firsts" since his death. This leg, for me, will include remembering each day of that final chapter in his life. So I will be positing daily for a few weeks......bringing forward the posts from each day from last year to remember and be with that lose one more time. I want some way to honor my grief and put some closure on it. I cetainly will miss him for the rest of my life, it just won't ever be the same without him. I also know that there will be a time of closure to the raw grief and I am hoping that my plan will help do that.

8 Months - May 7, 2015

Today is the 8-month “anniversary” of my father’s death. Not to be over dramatic, but I can easily say that so much in my life has “gone to hell” since he died. Of course lots of wonderful things have happened as well, however I have not had such significant loss in my life such as this past 8 months, and it isn’t over. 

I am all about the silver lining and all that jazz, I am just tired….I want something to go “right” or better….or….good…or something as it seems as if I have had to fight and claw my way through this world. My fingers are raw from clawing…my knees are scabbed, my elbows bruised…I don’t want to fight any longer.

So, on this day, 8 months since I have been able to talk to my father, hear his voice, feel his whisker scratch kisses and hugs…. that strong arm, pulling me tight…I am reminded of his love for me and I am grateful that I had it.

One wonderful thing that has happened in the last 8 months is some healing that needed to happen with my mother. That has meant so much to me, to have her in my life fully again (she was never out of it, there was just some tension mainly because I moved away). She has been the one to love me and be proud of me now.

This is my birthday month and coming up to my birthday, I recall last year…just last year…my father called me on my birthday. He said that the day before he couldn’t wait for my birthday because he knew that he got to call me and talk to me. I remember feeling such a warm feeling of love when he told me that. Now, just a year later…he won’t be calling me on my birthday. I had thought about special days like father’s day and HIS birthday that I would be dealing with missing him…I had not anticipated that MY birthday would be a day that I would feel his loss. Although I understand why…it just took me a bit by surprise.

 The year after my dad recieved my kidney, my husband brought him to Ann Arbor for the weekend for my birthday. Just my Dad and me. I took him around the University of Michigan campus, we went miniture golfing and bowling.....we just had a great time together!  I wish we would have done that again, but I am grateful we had that weekend!

Everyone says, it will get better, it won’t go away, it will always be there…. this hole that was created when he died. Words I have said to others, words that I now understand in a more intimate way. He will always be missed, that just doesn’t change, that will never change. I however will continue to learn how to live without him. I will also continue to be grateful for him and for my mother, my brothers, my children and the most loving man that remains alive in my life, my husband. That ribbon of gratitude will always run like a beautiful gold thread through this grief.

April 7th marks the 7 month anniversary........

First....there is this. Literally this moment is etched into my memory more than any other moment. As I leaned over his nearly cold body, as his breath went in and stayed there longer than it normally would.....his blue eyes opened........looking beyond this world......and his last breath was released and his heart stopped. I think about that single moment in time nearly every day.

 Then there is this........Grief does change us. The pain of it sculpts us into someone who understands more deeply. My heart would "go out" to other who lost someone special in their life, but now....I know the pain more intimately and my empathy is heightened and there is more of a sincerity when offer comforting words. I absolutely cry more easily..........losing my dad has affected far more in my life than I every imagined. I am sure even more than I actually know at this moment.

And finally.....this. Every day I am stronger because I made it one more day without my dad here on earth.

I will share this. After 7 months I can tell you that the acute pain of his death is duller, but the hole that was created is the same size and I can touch the pain, it is there, and sometimes I touch it, just so say the world is not going on without him........

I miss him more today then I did yesterday. the pain is different, the emptiness almost seems to have grown. I will always love you Dad and not a single day goes by that I do not miss you......always....always.

March 18, 2015

I watch this a lot, especially when I miss him. I have the full version on a disc that I sent to my brothers too that has my last voice mail he left me. His voice saying...."love you girl".........I don't have it with me at the hotel......I wish I did.....I would like to hear him say that right now!





It is a bit past 6 months since my father died. 11 days to be exact. I am having a severe case of missing him this week. I am tearful. I look up to the sky and just say.....please.....please come back.....I know that he can't and I really don't want him to leave the wonderful place that he is at....I just need my dad.



I don't even know if there is anything more that I can write about it at this moment....I just miss him.....I want to hear his voice, I want to sit down and listen to his jokes and I want him to tell me how much he loves me. He was that person that could make me feel special. I am not feeling very special right now I guess. There are stressors in my life currently for sure........I think grief feels stronger when we have additional stress happening......

I just miss my dad....as much today as yesterday and as much yesterday as the day before........