Today is the 8-month “anniversary” of my father’s death. Not to be over dramatic, but I can easily say that so much in my life has “gone to hell” since he died. Of course lots of wonderful things have happened as well, however I have not had such significant loss in my life such as this past 8 months, and it isn’t over.
I am all about the silver lining and all that jazz, I am just tired….I want something to go “right” or better….or….good…or something as it seems as if I have had to fight and claw my way through this world. My fingers are raw from clawing…my knees are scabbed, my elbows bruised…I don’t want to fight any longer.
So, on this day, 8 months since I have been able to talk to my father, hear his voice, feel his whisker scratch kisses and hugs…. that strong arm, pulling me tight…I am reminded of his love for me and I am grateful that I had it.
One wonderful thing that has happened in the last 8 months is some healing that needed to happen with my mother. That has meant so much to me, to have her in my life fully again (she was never out of it, there was just some tension mainly because I moved away). She has been the one to love me and be proud of me now.
This is my birthday month and coming up to my birthday, I recall last year…just last year…my father called me on my birthday. He said that the day before he couldn’t wait for my birthday because he knew that he got to call me and talk to me. I remember feeling such a warm feeling of love when he told me that. Now, just a year later…he won’t be calling me on my birthday. I had thought about special days like father’s day and HIS birthday that I would be dealing with missing him…I had not anticipated that MY birthday would be a day that I would feel his loss. Although I understand why…it just took me a bit by surprise.
Everyone says, it will get better, it won’t go away, it will always be there…. this hole that was created when he died. Words I have said to others, words that I now understand in a more intimate way. He will always be missed, that just doesn’t change, that will never change. I however will continue to learn how to live without him. I will also continue to be grateful for him and for my mother, my brothers, my children and the most loving man that remains alive in my life, my husband. That ribbon of gratitude will always run like a beautiful gold thread through this grief.