August 31, 2015

Fitting in the last 4 days in one post, only because I was not home and did not have my laptop with me. One week from today will be the one year anniversary of his death. As you can read by the posts below from last year......it was not at all clear that he only had one week left to live. The last post that was made one week a year ago today begins to allude to the fact that I could tell things were moving in a direction that was not good. However on the 29th Jordan and Helen stopped by to visit him and I remember Jordan calling me and telling me that Grandpa looked really good and he was surprised because he was expeting to find him not well. When you are dealing with heart disease it is difficult as things can take a turn for the bad so quickly. The next week of posts will be the real walk through the ending of the grief......I don't think that the grief of losing your father ever really ends....I will miss him forever and always be a bit sad that he isn't on this earth with me......but the enormous cloud that hangs over my head can be laid to rest one week from today as I stand by his grave and let go of that. I miss him.....forever.........

Sunday, August 31, 2014

August 31, 2014

I called my Dad tonight and he didn't have a great day. He did get to visit with Gary and Dianne and someone else (I forgot who!). He felt a bit badly because he fell asleep while they were there. I said "as if you have never done that before!" HA! He is feeling dizzy again. He didn't have on his oxygen, so I asked him to put it on. I also called Hospice to have them come out and make it so he has oxygen to sleep as well. 

He certainly is having good and bad days. I can't get a good read on what this means. He still is dead set on getting a heart cath "when" his kidney levels come down. It seems to be a hope that he is hanging on to. I certainly will help him accomplish this goal if that is what he wants even though I don't feel as if it is a good idea. 

I mentioned before that I will be working in West Branch this week. If I can get the things accomplished that I need to get accomplished tomorrow. I plan to drive up and spend the evening with him and go to West Branch in the morning on Tuesday. 

I told a few of my siblings already and I will mention it here. We really have no way of knowing the time that my Dad has left. When the heart is involved it just doesn't give us good info because things can go bad unexpectdly and in an instant. So what I say is, if your heart is calling you to visit or call, do it. It may not mean that he is going to be leaving this world soon, but it may be that you will have a treasured memory that you would not of had. Just listen to your gut. 

This is actually true for all of us. Treasured memories are valuable. follow your heart. Live your life so that you find those treasured moments. None of us ever knows when we may leave this world.

August 30, 2014

Scott and Renee Warne (my brother and sister in law) stopped to have breakfast with our Dad and Sonja this morning. My dad sure is enjoying those who are stopping by to see him! He also is really thankful for his hospice team and care that they are providing. He finally admitted to me that he signed up for hospice "for" me, but is really glad now that he did. He said he really didn't realize how much they do for a person and the fact that you really don't need to be dying tomorrow to be on hospice!

His biggest complaint today is that his head hurts (the incision from the surgical removal of the basal cell skin cancer). It sounds like quite the wound! I asked if he took a pain pill and he said that he forgot. *SMH* (*Shake My Head*).

I will be at my West Branch office this coming week, so I will get to see him at least one evening. With only 3 weeks left at my current position, and 1 of those weeks I am actually helping out with an office in Wisconsin, I am a bit frantic making sure that each of my offices have what they need and are ready for surveys that are coming up. I probably will be working late for the next 3 weeks. However, for SURE I will be taking one evening to head over to see him!

If you are wondering what you can be praying for when you think of my Dad, please pray that he finds freedom from the heavy burden he is carrying. He loves his wife very much and the burden of leaving her and not knowing that she will be finacially sound is weighing heavy on him. Thank you

Friday, August 29, 2014

August 29, 2014

My dad thinks that he may of had vertigo the last 3 weeks. He has been dizzy and unstable. He actually was using a walker this week. When he woke up today, the dizziness was gone and he felt better. So we are hoping that is what it was. He does use oxygen when he is sitting around the house and has some that he can take with him. It seems to help. Jordan and Helen (my son and his girlfriend) stopped by to visit with grandpa today. They were heading up to Grand Traverse Bay with Helen's parents for the weekend in a cabin on the bay. Helen's parents also met Grandpa and visited for a bit. He is enjoying getting to visit with family. So if you are in the area, don't be shy to stop by and see him! I am hoping to get up there again soon. Hoping to bring my husband Dave with me, maybe they can go fishing or something fun and relaxing

Thursday, August 28, 2014

August 28, 2014

This has been a very busy week. I apologize for not getting a post up yesterday, my father is doing good! Hospice is helping to do exactly what we wanted. His anxiety is down and that helps keep his symptoms under control.he did have the cancer spot on his head surgically removed yesterday. He gets these basal cell cancer spots on his head mostly due to the anti rejection medications. That is causing him the most pain at the moment. My brother Brian is there now to do yard work and some other things that dad is not able to do right now. Thank you Brian!

August 27, 2015

I didn't write on this blog a year ago today. Things were starting to get intense, but everything was going along pretty smooth. I have a busy weekend ahead and I won't be able to post until I get hom eon Sunday night, so Saturday and Sunday will be completed  on Sunday night.

August 26, 2015

I never really thought that my dad would use oxygen or accept the type of care that he needed to have for a better quality of life. Had he accepted those things earlier, would he have been with us longer? Who knows, I am thankful for the time that we did have him. 75 is way too young for someone to die though.........really.....

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

August 26, 2014

Sorry I missed yesterday. My dad is using oxygen. It does help him feel better. The first week of hospice is really busy. In fact it is too much for anyone! There are many team experts coming in to meet him and Sonja. It is part of the hospice benefit. Needless to say it is a bit overwhelming. He did call the hospice nurse this morning and she had him take an Ativan until she arrived. That helped him a lot. He has some heavy burdens that he is carrying because he loves Sonya very much. Please pray that his burdens will lighten so his symptoms improve. Not being able to breath and having chest pain, not knowing for sure what it really means can cause anxiety in most anyone. Even those like my father who have a strong faith in God.
I do want to share one thing. For those who may wish to visit; please call in advance to be sure he is up to the visit. ( I am sure he will love it). Also be mindful that having company can be costly. If you share a meal or stay the night consider what you can do to assist with the costs. He will give you the shirt off his back and right now finances are one of his concerns. If you can't afford to assist please don't let that stop you from visiting. He would never want that to stop you from visiting. Thank you for your consideration.

August 26, 2015

The first week of hospice is busy and can be truly overwhelming. I think that my dad enjoyed meeting the people. The fact that he would call me please the hospice nurse was also a very good sign. With the symptoms he was having he would have been back in the hospital at this point. However having the oxygen and the ativan (which truly does help aide in breathing) he was able to not panic and stay home. He also carried a heavy burden. He loved his wife and knew that things were not right financially. He had multiple chronic illnesses for a number of years and was unable to get life insurance. I know that I discussed with him that us kids would be sure that his wife did not have to pay for the funeral and I know that my brothers did as well. He did find comfort in knowing that we would do whatever we could to relieve some anxiety for him.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

August 26, 2014

Sorry I missed yesterday. My dad is using oxygen. It does help him feel better. The first week of hospice is really busy. In fact it is too much for anyone! There are many team experts coming in to meet him and Sonja. It is part of the hospice benefit. Needless to say it is a bit overwhelming. He did call the hospice nurse this morning and she had him take an Ativan until she arrived. That helped him a lot. He has some heavy burdens that he is carrying because he loves Sonya very much. Please pray that his burdens will lighten so his symptoms improve. Not being able to breath and having chest pain, not knowing for sure what it really means can cause anxiety in most anyone. Even those like my father who have a strong faith in God.
I do want to share one thing. For those who may wish to visit; please call in advance to be sure he is up to the visit. ( I am sure he will love it). Also be mindful that having company can be costly. If you share a meal or stay the night consider what you can do to assist with the costs. He will give you the shirt off his back and right now finances are one of his concerns. If you can't afford to assist please don't let that stop you from visiting. He would never want that to stop you from visiting. Thank you for your consideration.

August 25, 2015

I did not make a post on this day last year. I believe that I was at his house. I am having trouble remembering exactly. I know I was there for most of the last 2 weeks.....I think that I worked at one of the offices close to Cadillac. I do know at this point I was beginning to worry about him. It is interesting because after he was admitted to hospice I learned that the hospice thought he was too "well" and that he was only being admitted because he was my father. It had to go up the chain for "review". Such a misconception to think that one must be on their death bed to receive hospice services. The point of hospice is to provide comfort to the suffering...suffering happens long before death occurs.........regardless.....he died 2 weeks after he was admitted to hospice.

August 24, 2015

It is a bit odd to think that one year ago today my dad was driving a car to take Shelley back to Grand Haven. Little did any of us know that exactly 2 weeks later he would be taking his  last breaths. I know that I say this often, actually more than you know, because I say it every single day......I miss my dad......

Some of you may think that going back through these posts each day is some form of torture or some dramatic show......all it really is for me is a closure on the grief.....I will always miss him.....and September 7th will always be a day to remember......but It is time to let this all rest once I walk through the memory of these last 2 weeks.

I do wish I could have him back for one more day.......I know that wouldn't be enough.....so I will wait until my spirit joins his one day....what a lovely reunion that is going to be!

Sunday, August 24, 2014

August 24, 2014

I called my dad a bit ago. He is getting ready to take Shelley back to spring lake. He said that last night he was not feeling well and when the nurse came today she said that he should be wearing his oxygen. So she got it all hooked up and he is wearing oxygen. He said it does make him feel better. So he is wearing it. They are going to get ine for the bedroom too.  The oxygen really will help him feel better! He will stay at Shelley's overnight tonight.

August 23, 2015

No doubt I was as busy one year ago as I am today! I am sure that I needed to have went home last year to get things ready for the next week, there is a part of me though that in hindsight, wishes that I would have stayed with him every moment from the time he signed on to hospice until he died. I DID spend a large portion of time with him in the end.....but reading that I missed some of those days is pause for regret......even though I know I did everything that I could have.....I guess.....just knowing how much I miss him......I wish that I had additional time with him now.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

August 23, 2014

Late and short update today! I actually didn't talk to my dad today! (Shame on me) I arrived home late last night and it was a mad rush for Dave and I to get yard work done this morning. I then cleaned out my closet and did laundry. Plus a few more things. Getting ready for bed now and will check in with dad tomorrow for a real update!

August 22, 2015

I am not feeling well. I was not feeling well yesterday either and thus I didn't post here yesterday. So you are getting a big dose today as there are 3 posts from last year to put up.

First I shared on the blog here that Dad was signing up for hospice, and one year ago today is the day that he actually signed up for hospice. We had no idea that in 2 weeks he would die. As you can see by the post below, the point of putting him on hospice was to improve his quality of life and hopefully the length as well. For many patients that is true. For my father, he was one of those people who relaxed into the process. The truth is, he would have been in and out of the hospital for a few more months, maybe longer and then died in his sleep one night. So although we had him for a shorter period of time, it was quality time and family members were able to come and see him and say goodbye. That meant a lot to him and to each family member. Today was the beginning of the end for my dad one year ago today.....he is missed by so many of us.......

Friday, August 22, 2014

August 22, 2014 - Take Two

Guess who is home! For those who saw my Dad on Sunday, you will be happy to know he looks much better today.

Hospice is here to do the admission.  Again, hospice is just going to help manage his care so he can feel as good as possible. The hospice admission is taking a little longer because of course he has to tell all of his stories and jokes to the hospice nurse. :) Thankfully he doesn't need much help right now. He can still take his own shower and all of that. We really just want to keep his symptoms managed so he can enjoy his life a little more!

So here is the converstation at the moment:
Catie: "Dad, you have a captive audience with this Blog, everyone is coming to read about you, do you want to tell them anything?"
Wayne:  "Well, I ain't dead yet"
Shelley: "You don't want to be doing tombstone jokes yet"
Wayne: *smile*

We are having fun. One thing is for sure. If you get Shelley and I together, there is bound to be hilarity ensueing.........

Thursday, August 21, 2014

August 22, 2014

This update is one hour early, but I need to make sure that everyone knows that I am sincerely sorry that some of you heard the news about my father getting hospice this way. I asked my father if it was ok to write this blog and to talk about hospice. What I did not take the time to stop and think about were some people who are close to my father who should have heard this information in person, or at least with a phone call. I truly apologize for that. I do hope that my post on the 21st about what hospice care really means brings some comfort to all of you. 

Shelley and I are up in Cadillac to see Dad. We visited with him for a bit tonight in the hospital. He is coming home tomorrow. Hospice will come over and complete the admission for him. The kidney specialist will continue to monitor his kidney function (at this time his labs are very high for his kidney function and they need to be low). Dad will make a decision at some point on if he will have a heart catheritization in Ann Arbor or not. It is important that he makes his own decisions about the care he recieves. He is of sound mind and has every right to decide what is best for him. I know that we all will support him in his decisions. 

I will be here for a good part of the day tomorrow to help get him home and get the hospice admission completed. Shelley will be here for the weekend. Shelley and I have worked out a "phone tree" of sorts. When information needs to be shared Sonja will notify both Shelley and I. In turn we will each call our brothers. We each will be responsible for our own kids. Hopefully this way, any change will be known by the family before it goes on the blog :) I will also call Aunt Susan who will let the siblings know. Please don't let your mind go to a morbid place. I am not talking about "dying"....just information that should be shared person to person and not in a non personal way via social media! 

I hope this helps. I really know how much everyone loves him and just wanted to make sure everyone that wants information is able to get it. You all probably are aware of this, but my dad prays for  every single member of our family, every single night. Including the girlfriends of his grandkids. He loves each and every one of you. He truly does. New update tonight......or tomorrow night.....the days are running together!

Thursday, August 21, 2014

August 21, 2014

A summary of how we got to this point.  Sunday at the family reunion my dad was not feeling well. By Monday evening Sonja took him to the emergency room at the Cadillac hospital. He remains in the hospital at this time. They are working on getting his labs that relate to his kidney function decreased. Once he goes home he is going to have hospice come in to help him manage his care. 

Hospice is a word that often brings fear to people when they hear it. I know hospice in a way that brings me comfort. I want to share with you just a bit about hospice and how it can help my father. Many think that hospice comes in to help people die. The truth is actually the opposite of that. Hospice helps people to live to the best quality of life a person can possibly live, for as long as they can possibly live it. 

There is no one else on this earth that wants my father to live as long as possible than I do. I can’t even tell you how desperately I don’t want to see him leave this world. The research is out there that speaks to how hospice helps people live, on average 30 days longer than those who do not have hospice care. 

So back to how hospice comes in to help you live; hospice is holistic care. Hospice looks at not just the medical issues, but also the spiritual and psychosocial issues that are present. Hospice also considers the family a patient as well. This team of experts comes together to work with the patient and family to build a plan of care around the patient’s own goals. 

The goal is simple. We want my dad to feel as good as he possibly can for as long as he possibly can. Often when a patient comes on to hospice care, their symptoms are managed and some of the emotional burden is lessened and patients are no longer eligible for hospice and are discharged. My dad’s goal is to outlive his hospice admission! Everyone who knows him knows that is a real possibility! 

Facebook is not the place that I wish to keep people posted. I know how much he is loved by so many and I want to ensure that you all are able to keep up with him. So I have started this blog and I will post daily. Thank you for loving him! He is an incredible man. Please be sure to leave comments, I am sure he will be reading along with you all!

August 20, 2015

Had my Dad not gone on to hospice last year, he would have gone in and out of the hospital for a few more months. As you can read below, he was in the hospital again just before going on hospice. 

And then...there is the joke......always the joke. I miss that so much. I remember him telling me that joke....so often I just shook my head at him.....I should have laughed longer and harder....I miss him.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

August 20, 2014

I just talked with my dad and he is still in the hospital. He thinks that he will go home today. I told him about the blog so he said to tell everyone that they started him on a new pill that should help him breathe better and he thinks it might be working. They are not going to do the heart cath at this time as his kidney function is not good enough to use the dye for the cath. He likely will be heading home tomorrow. I will be heading up to Cadillac to see him tomorrow afternoon and evening.

He did share a joke with me today. There was a man who went into a bar. The bartender said "would you like a cup of coffee?" The man said "no, I tried that once and I didn't like it". The bartender said, "well would you like some pretzels?" The man said "No, I tried that once and I didn't like it". The bartender said, "well, would you like a beer?" The man said "No, I tried that once and I didn't like it". Then the man said "I am just here to meet up with my son". The Bartender said "let me guess, you only have one son?"

PS - I titled this blog CHASING DAD, because that is what so many of us do. Chase after him! He is an energizer bunny, some kind of walking miracle really. Defying all the odds, time after time. Thus.....Chasing Dad.

August 19, 2015

One year ago today my father agreed to try hospice. Although the caveat was that he was first going to have a heart cath. I began this blog on this day one year ago to keep my family informed about his health and as you see below, I hoped it would be a long lasting blog about his life. Instead it turned out to be a blog about his death and my subsequent grief. I still shake my head in wonderment that he is gone. As most people who have lost someone that they love, regrets seep through the cracks in me.....I should have called him more, I should have gone to see him more......The truth is, I could have been a better daughter. Even with that being true.......he still loved me without condition. His love didn't lessen because I didn't call one week.........it just was....always the same....always warm and comforting. 

As I approach the one year anniversary of his death I will be posting each day as I walk the journey of his final days. I need to do this for closure. I will miss him forever, some days more than I can bare.....however i feel strongly that there will be a release for me in this process, some sort of letting go. There is a song that I often sing in the car, thinking of him.....it is titled "Can't let you go".......I will never let go of his memory, of his love, his laughter and hugs........but I can let go of the enormous grief of losing him. So this is my final walk through this grief. There may be times that I dip my toes in it again....but I won't be swimming in it :) This process will be capped off with a visit to his graveside on September 7th. His head stone was just placed this week. He is buried in Cadillac, so I don't get to see his grave. In fact I only went one time about 2 weeks after he died. I never really understood why people went to their loved ones graves......afterall, they are not there......just the vessel of where there soul resided is there.....I understand now......it is just a place to connect to him. A way to continue to care for him by planting flowers or some thing. I will be planning a little someting for my time there.

See you tomorrow...........

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

August 19, 2014

Today my Dad agreed to try hospice care. It was a big decision for him. Before he begins hospice care he is planning to have a heart cath done in the next day or two. I am starting this blog to keep everyone posted on his journey going forward. Each day I will create a post and provide an update. I will also share some thoughts and memories. I welcome you to share your thoughts and memories in the comment section. I know he will appreciate whatever you have to say! So the journey begins and I hope and pray that this blog lasts for years to come!