Wayne Green

Wayne Green

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

September 30, 2014

This is the last day of the month that my Dad died. I think it is interesting that I think about these things. As if tomorrow when it turns to October I will be farther away from my father.......

I did get his voice mail recorded onto a application on my laptop. I now need to burn that to a CD so I ensure that I have it forever.

I remember having talked to a few people about my father's health prior to getting him on hospice. We discussed how he was in denial. I saw this photo of my father the other day, it was taken at the 75th birthday party that we had for him and Sonja the first part of August 2014....just a little over a month before he died.......

I believe I was in denial about how sick my father really was. It is fairly obvious that he had ascites in this photo (increased fluid in the abdominal cavity). I think this photo shows just how sick he really was.....I don't think he ever felt "well" in the last 6 months at least. He put on a damn good show though. And....even though I knew he wasn't well.....I believed his "show"....because I wanted to.....I wanted to believe he was immortal and that I would never lose him.

I write every day about the loss of my father. Yet, some how I still think......it is impossible that he is gone.......how could it be that this man that is so important to my life have left this world? It is beginning to sink in......and I think it will just be that hole in my heart that will forever be there. I will learn to live with it and all......but most certainly that hole will always be there.

One of the things that I was able to get of my fathers was some plain white handkerchiefs. He always had one in his pocket and he used it! I always sort of thought it was gross actually....but it is something that reminds me of him in a strong way. I keep one in my purse now.......every once in a while when I am looking for something in my purse, I will run across that and pull it out and touch it to my nose.......it brings happy thoughts though....not sad ones..........

I really never saw myself as someone who would be "sentimental" about items, times, etc. Yet I find that I am almost overboard with it! I think that it likely will diminish somewhat. It likely is an attempt to hold on to him as long as I can. Although this is not living in the moment........I don't think I am "wrong" for wanting to keep his memory as close to me as possible.........afterall.......I adored my Dad.........and he adored me...........I knew this......there are not many people that we know this from......so it is hard to lose it. Don't misunderstand. I know that there are people who love me very much. My Dad had a little something special. Even my husband who I would say is the closest to loving me like my dad does......that isn't the same as my Dad's love........there is just something about that...it is difficult to explain.

I guess I just find it interesting the lengths we go to in order to hold on to someone that has left this world......photos that we carry......that we hang........items that we have of theirs that we carry....or place around.......even wear. The way we count the weeks, days and hours since we last saw them breathing.........we are holding on dearly, hoping to never forget. In reality.....we will never forget.........

Monday, September 29, 2014

September 29, 2014

It is officially my first day a a traveling empolyee. Travel by plane that is. I researched the carry on rules, I purchased a set of luggage that is two carry on's. One for my school work and work work...plus both laptops and the other for my clothes. I had to drastically down size what I pack due to the limited space. I was proud of myself that I accomplished this feat. I arrived at the airport with plenty of time. I made it through security and even managed to find a Chai Latte............then......we boarded the plane......As I rolled my bright pink set of luggage down the isle......I had many people looking at me......and you could just see the wheels turning......My seat was at the back of the plane.....I arrive and the stewardess says......"there is no room for your luggage, you will need to check it". So I stowed the laptop under my seat......and waited for all of the passengers to board and then I took the walk of shame back up the isle with my hot pink carry on suitcase and had to wait to get a ticket for it. Now, I remember that if you had to check a bag at the plane, you also recieved it back when the flight landed, not with the other checked luggage. Not so fast......they said I could retrieve it at my final destination......sort of like...CHECKED LUGGAGE......meaning I could have brought more with me! Oh well......so it goes......then.....the flight is delayed for take off.......the fire in Chicago that happend a few days ago was still causing delays in the midwest. We arrive and I look at my boarding pass for my connecting flight and I realize that as I sit there, in the back of the plane, with everyone else in front of me.....my connecting flight is boarding at that moment. It didn't stop me from running...only to find out after I walked about a mile....that I then needed to take a tram......I arrive at my gate....and.....the flight isn't even up on the board......it left EARLY! There are 2 other men that were on my flight that also missed the same flight. The next flight out is 6pm tonight. My luggage.....remains to be found.......so much for the best laid plans! I will have hope that it will meet me in Wichita later tonight.

I enjoyed my visit yesterday with my mother and my brother Gary. I wore one of my dad's flannel shirts all day. *smile* I ordered prints of photos so I can hang some more family pictures on my family wall and finsih making my tribute wall for my dad. I will be able to do that this weekend.

I shared with you all how I lost all of my dad's voicemails except for one. I am going to record that very soon. I listened to it today, as I sat here surounded by strangers..........it felt so good to hear his voice........so familiar.....and at the end he said....."hey.....Love you lots girl"..........ahhhhhh......I MUST record this to save forever...I really must.........hearing his voice alone.......brought comfort....hearing him say he loves me.......filled my heart........cetainly something to listen to when I need a boost! Ok....my power cords for my personal computers and phones are in my lost luggage.....so....I beter shut this down for now.......

Sunday, September 28, 2014

September 28, 2014 - New Life

Three weeks ago today my Dad left this world. It seems like an eternity since I talked to him or hugged him......... During his last week of life, as he lay dying.....his family and friends visited. Since my Dad lived in Cadillac, most of his family and friends lived down state 2-4 hours away. So it was a wonderful site to see everyone that made the journey to visit. Including this lovely lady...........

Calley is the wife of Keith Green, who is the Grandson of my Dad. Calley made the trip to Cadillac twice that week, once to visit and the second time for the funeral. We all held our breath a bit as she was 38-39 weeks pregnant and probably shouldn't have been traveling. I remember my Dad reaching for her belly....he so wanted to touch new life his last week. He wanted to hold the children and bless them. I am sure that is what he was doing when he touched Calley's belly....blessing her baby.

Calley was due a few days ago and has been patiently waiting for her baby boy to arrive......All I could think about was that Great Grandpa and Kyrin (the baby) were playing, or grandpa was holding him.......so it took a bit longer for him to arrive in the world. Well....last night.....nearly 2 hours until it was officially 3 weeks since my Dad passed away....Kyrin Green was welcomed into the world.
He is beautiful and no doubt that my Dad would be very proud of his Grandson Keith and Calley for making such a beautiful baby and he would want to bless him again......and he is blessing him from a far as well as watching over this new life that has entered the world.

We are all born into this world.....and we all leave this world at some point .....some of us are closer to one side or the other......This tiny soul is a close to birth as possible......and the bright beautiful soul of my Dad has left. I think it is amazingly miraculous the entering of the soul into this world and the leaving of a soul..........both events are almost traumatic in the process. Birth is painful for the mother and likely for the child as well. The father must hate to see his wife suffer through this process. Certainly the rest of the family (Calley's mother etc.) hates to see the suffering as well. However they also know that at the end of the suffering comes a beautiful soul that is going to fill the earth with love and joy for all the days of it's life (which we hope are many).

Death is not unlike birth. It is labor.......labor to breath. The body is shutting down each system.....The family who is with their loved one watching and loving them as they take each breath in this dying process......knows that the soul will be leaving for a much better place, where there will be joy and love for all the days of it's life......forever more. There is great joy in both events for the souls of each individual.............It is beautiful to see new life and be reminded that the life that has left this world......shines brightly somewhere out there.....

Saturday, September 27, 2014

September 27, 2014

My brother called today and he and my mom are going to drive over to see me tomorrow and bring the items from my Dad that he got for me last week. I am looking forward to seeing them both. I think it will be good to have them here on the day that it will be three weeks since Dad died.

Three weeks. It seems like an eternity since I talked to my Dad and it seems like it was just yesterday that he died. I want to stop wishing that he was here, wishing that I could talk to him again.....wishing that it all just isn't true.....or will I just always wish for that? I suppose I will always wish I could talk to him again, or see him again. Well, shoot, won't I always wish he wasn't dead?

I believe that it is best to live life in the present moment. Not yesterday, not tomorrow. Not even 5 minutes from now....but right this very moment. Right this very moment. I do wish that I could feel my dad's whiskers on my face as he was giving me a kiss and a tight squeeze that wouldn't end until he knew, that I knew....that he loved me. That is how I feel at this moment. I don't think that is necessarily living in the moment.

Then again......I have never lost someone I have loved so deeply before......so......I have some room for error............

Friday, September 26, 2014

September 26, 2014 - Does it Ever Seem Real?

Does it ever seem real? Is it always going to be this confusing disbelief that it could be possible that my Dad is dead? I look at his photo and I just can't believe that it is real. It is in some way like he is on vacation and I will see him again soon.
My brother texted me a little bit ago and said the same thing, he just can't believe that he really is gone. This makes me wonder if that is what it is going to feel like.....always.

I understand the stages of grief well. I know that we can travel between them, back and forth, skip one.......etc. I suppose that this could be considered a denial stage. It obviously fits. Again.....I come back to.....the protective force of not feeling the full magnitude of the loss at the same time.....it would be too much to take, I would die of a broken heart for certain. I suppose it makes sense that there is some denial involved, given that thought. Honestly when I think about believing it is real, that he really is gone, it scares me. It reminds me of the night he died.....and I wrote about the fact that I was grateful that he was still with me, even though he was unresponsive. Unable to squeeze my hand, hug me, or tell me that he loved me.......but that I was just happy that he was still "alive" and not dead.

I believe that the denial stage is a very protective stage. It obviously wouldn't be healthy to stay in denial for a long period of time. I will move past denial as I am ready to. I am curious as to what emotionally will come next in this process.......however I am not in a huge hurry......

I miss him.....I miss him....I miss him......and that isn't going to change or go away........

Edited to add this quote from a facebook post by my dear friend Sheryl Seagrave:
QOTD: "I say we act like men, and bury it under a mountain of denial so deep that no one can make us believe it actually happened." - Grayson, Cougar Town. 

And so it goes........

Thursday, September 25, 2014

September 25, 2014

The Spiritual Care Coordinator from hospice that visited my father called me today. I know that is what he is supposed to do, call and check on the "bereaved". It was sweet and he shared how much he apprecited the visit he had with my father and getting to know him. He said he almost felt "cheated" because he didn't get to see him more. It was a very nice call. I couldn't talk much longer as I was already at work, but it is nice to see this service from the other side so to speak. Our company requires someone who has been in contact with the family to call the family within 2 weeks. This is just to check on them, to help them feel like they haven't been forgotten.

I appreciated the call. It did bring up in my thoughts that my father has died, but overall, as a "bereaved" I think it was a nice thing to have them call and check in on me.

I also saw today that the nurse who was on call on the weekends and had seen my Dad a few times over the course of the 2 weeks he as on service and was the nurse who came when he died, donated to his funeral fund. I felt that was incredibly generous and caring. The note that she wrote was to him. I feel very honored for my Dad. He touched many lives in so many postiive ways.....

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

September 24, 2014 - It is a new Day

I woke up this morning to a white board sign from my husband that read...."Today is a New Day. I love you!" Today is my first official day at my new corporate position.  I am so thankful that I have my husband in my life.
I miss my Dad something fierce today.....Likely beause he was so proud of me..........Almost to my embarrasment proud of me. I would give anything to be able to call my Dad as I made the hour trip to corporate to say....."hey hey!" I wouldn't need to say much else......he would go on to tell me his latest joke, tell me about a few other things.....and manage to make me feel like the most important person in the entire world....and Loved....beyond belief.

I want him back. I just do. I want to make sure he knows, that I know, that he knows......just exactly how special he was to so many people....but mostly....to me. I know he knew it.....but somehow...I just want to tell him that again.....I just want to hear his voice...

I miss him every day......today I feel it pulling me in a stronger way.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

September 23, 2014 - Complicated

Have you seen that "status" on facebook (or other online sites) in regards to a relationship? "It's complicated".  That would be the term for me today. It most certainly is complicated.

Every person has things that they deal with in their life. Often things from childhood. As adults I believe that we deal with those childhood situations and overcome them. There are times that things from childhood continue into the current day. This is when things get complicated.

I have decisions to make about how I will deal with certain aspects of my life going forward from my Dad's death. I am not in a hurry to make these decisions. However, by not making decsions, it is complicating my grief.

I realize I am speaking in some form of code. The truth is, there are some things that are simply too personal to put on this blog which may be read by someone other than myself.

So I am covertly trying to share how in the midst of our grief, there are other things that can complicate it and often that is out of our control. It remains important to be with our grief.

Something else that happened today is that my phone has been acting up and all the songs in my itunes suddenly were on my phone and I had no room left on my phone. I tried everything that I could to take care of the situation, to no avail. So I impulsivley hit "reset". I figured I could sync it, it all would be fine. It took a few hours....all in all.....and when it was finished....it hit me......my father's voice mails to me.............really.....did I lose them? Yes indeed, all but the last one is gone. I sobbed......just sobbed.

It's complicated....and then some.

PS....I am missing him something fierce today.......

Monday, September 22, 2014

September 22, 2014

My husband had some sinus surgery today. It was outpatient. I have been a nurse for almost 20 years. So I have seen lots and don't get too bothered. Before surgery, I was feeling a bit antsy. After they called him back and I sent him off to surgery with a kiss on the forehead.....I realized that I didn't like the fact that my "rock" was going under general anethesia. I knew why, so I was able to deal with the feelings. But having only been 2 weeks since I lost my father, I wasn't in any position to have anything go wrong with this procedure. I also knew nothing would (99.9%) which is why this day is about my husband and NOT me! However for the purposes of this blog.......I am writing about these feelings for those who may also experience a form of what I would call post traumatic shock. Please understand that I am in no way comparing this to what those who actually experience post traumatic shock endure. It is simply a way with words that I can give some meaning to the feeling of not wanting something bad to happen to someone that you love after you recently lost someone you adore. (whew!)

Thus.....logically I could push those worries aside and focus on him. I could still feel them there and it nagged at me a bit. What I didn't expect was when I went back to him in recovery and he was expereincing a lot of pain. His heart rate was up, he respirations were down and my heart squeezed......at my stomach became tight.......and tears stung the back of my eyes. I didn't want to see him suffer. I rubbed his feet and scratched his back and threw away his bloody tissues. The nurse got his pain under control and we got him dressed and off to home we went.

I dropped him off at home and went to town to get his pain medicaitons. I come back home and he has cleaned up the garage, cleaned up the kithcen, made himself some lunch and was laying back down with a bloody nose. My worry turned to annoyed very quickly.  He was a bachelor until 4 years ago....I suppose he thinks that he needed to take care of those things. I continue to nag at him to lay down and he continues to do things that I could do for him. He was getting some water for his cup and said "just for the record I think I am doing good by laying down as much as I am" And I said...."I could have gotten that water for you". He is damed if he does and damed if he doesn't. I just shake my head......seriously, does he not know that he needs to behave so he heals properly? And so that I know that I will have him around for a long time........ok....so it is about me! :) :) :)

I am thankful that he did well, thankful that he is allowing me to do a little bit......and I pray to God....that he behaves at least for the rest of the first 24 hours.......I need my "rock" back.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

September 21, 2014 - Family

I moved to Ann Arbor in 2007 to begin the PhD program at the University of Michigan. I was born and raised in Three Rivers Michigan. It is a small friendly town. My children at the time were all out of high school, so although they tease me today that I "abandonded" them, they were old enough for me to make that move. It was a tough first year. I started an agressive program that left me wondering if someone in graduate studies admissions made a horrible mistake by accepting my application to the program. I also left the comfort and safety of my friendly small town and all of my family. I really had no intention of staying in the Ann Arbor area.

In 2008 I met who is now my husband. That sealed the deal. We were two peas in a pod and in 2010 were privately married in vegas (to the chagrin of my family who wanted to be present). We now own a lovely home on the Huron River in Brighton, just minutes outside of Ann Arbor. I love living here. I love the atmosphere, the people, the opportunities. It really is a great place to be. What is not so great, is living 2 hours from my children. I would love to be home and have any of my children walk through the door and say "hey momma" as if they were just passing by the house and stopped in to say "Hey".

I think when my Dad moved to Cadillac he missed that as well. When I first began traveling as a consultant, I did that a couple of times, just surprised him by stopping in. I believe that my job as a consultant allowed me to see my father much more the last 3 years than ever before and I am grateful for that.

I am fortunate that my children love me and do want to keep in contact with me. So I do get texts from them unexpectedly or phone calls. It always makes me smile. Then, something special will happen, like this weekend.

Having lost my Dad, whom as you know I adored, just 2 weeks ago; I am still wrapping my head around that loss. I also lost professional relationships that I worked hard to have. Although I will remain in contact with a number of them, I won't be "working" with them. It just so happend that this weekend ALL of my kids and their significant others were attending a wedding of their cousins on their fathers side which was in Flint. (just 40 miles from where I live). What a joy for me to have them all visit on the heels of my recent losses. A house full of beautiful souls, laughing, talking, playing....eating.....

As they all lay sleeping still on this cool Sunday morning. I know that we still have some fun in store yet today. I also can feel in my heart that they will be leaving later......and my heart will feel another loss in some ways. I hope to not cry until after they have gotten in their cars and started down the road. I know that I will cry...only becuase my emotions are already bubbling and, I am known to shed a tear when they leave. Honestly, I don't think it makes much logical sense that I cry. I am so happy that they would choose to come visit me, I know that I will see them again. I know we will talk and keep in touch like we do. So the tears just seem silly. Which is why I hope they don't appear for the kids to see. I simply want them to know that I love them and love spending time with them.....There does not need to be sadness when they leave! If those tears do come.......I will tell them....they are tears of joy.

Because they are tears of joy. Tears of happiness that I have this wonderful family.  That even though I was not the perfect parent, they love me anyway! Happy tears will come........but first. I need to makes some pancakes.

 One of my kids memories of Grandpa Green is visiting him at the dealership he worked at.  My kids are grieving the loss of Grandpa even more than I anticipated. They didn't see him as often as they should have or wanted to.....but they said the same thing that so many others are saying.....he made them feel special and loved.

 Left to right is Chrystal, Helen, Jordan, Morgan, and Ben. I love these young adults. They are easily the best thing I have ever done in my life. (or ever will do!) *Missing is Heidi, Chrystal's partner*

Saturday, September 20, 2014

September 20, 2014 - Cousins

Growing up in the Green family was pretty fun. I remember every Sunday (at least most of them) we went to Grandma and Grandpa Green's house on the farm for dinner. There were 4 of us girl cousins all about the same age. We played together on that farm and had so much fun. Our favorite game was "go around the house" which was this game of tag that our uncle Dave made up to get us out of his hair no doubt! We all admired Debbie, we looked up to her. I think she may of had an old soul, she has always been mature and grounded. She also was always beautiful!

They say that cousins are your first friends in life. For us I believe that was true. This photo is the four of us girls (We don't know who the 5th girl is here!) From left to right. Debbie, Susie, Penny, Unknown intruder, Catie (or as my family called me then, Cathy) Debbie and Susie were the oldest, I think only by months, then came me and Penny was the youngest. we were close when we were young as we became teenagers, we all lived in different parts of the region and made our own friends. Then we only saw each other at family gatherings or reunions. Now. Funerals.
Debbie was loved dearly by my father , as were all of us as you have read here on this blog, but I do believe that my Dad did have a special place in his heart for Debbie. Maybe because she was an only child, or maybe because her Dad was my Dad's big brother, (whom my dad claimed was his hero as he lay dying). Debbie was one that came to see my dad in his final days. It was a special day to have family travel such a long distance to see my father. Then, one week later they made the trip again to attend his funeral.

Just like Cathy is what I was called growing up (and now go by Catie) Debbie is now Deb. Deb must have been standing with me or overheard me at the funeral talking about the daily devotional that my Dad loved. It was written by Tony Dungy the Football coach. Sonja had given it to the pastor to possibly use in his eulogy. The pastor had given it to me at the viewing to give back to Sonja. In my head I was thinking how special it was. He had told me about his book many times. When I gave it to Sonja she wanted it to go with my dad. I reluctantly placed it with him in his coffin. My heart sank a little thinking how special it would be to keep his devotional, however through all of this, I always  wanted her to have things how she wanted them to be. So I released the devotional, knowing that my Dad would like to have that with him.

I arrived home from my week on the road to a box from Amazon. I thought, I didn't order anything from Amazon?!!  I opened it and.............

This is what was inside, with a note from Deb saying that she knows it is not the same as having the one that my Dad read, but that maybe I would find it special in some way.

Tears stung my eyes, my heart was so full. My husband Dave had tears in his eyes.........What a incredibly thoughtful gift. Thank you Deb for the gift of being the cousin that I always looked up to, for being special to my Dad and for taking the time to send me a gift that I will treasure forever. Moreover, my Dad would be very pleased that I have this devotional.

It is odd as we age how life brings us back around to the friendships we first had as children. My Dad is smiling at this, I have no doubt!

Friday, September 19, 2014

September 19, 2014

I am not sure how this works. Logically I know that my dad is gone. I saw the life drain from his body. My mind continues to be in disbelief. I do understand that this is a normal part of grief. I find it interesting how well our minds protect ourselves from the FULL load of the grief we would experience should we feel it all at once. There is no doubt it would be crippling beyone belief. I am thankful for that protection. It allows me to continue on.

The funny thing is.......I will be sitting and working, or talking to someone and my mind will think "Can they tell?" "Can they see that there is a huge hole in my heart?" How does life go on as if nothing happened? It happens less frequently then it did a week ago.....yet I still find myself sitting in a surreal world, not believing that he is gone.....yet wondering why everyone is behaving as if nothing happened. .....I just want to talk to him.....just one more time..........

Thursday, September 18, 2014

September 18, 2014 - Full belly

I have one more day to work as a hospice consultant. It is nearly poetic that I end my career at this office that I am at. The leadership took me out to dinner tonight. The food was incredible and the company even better. They gave me the best compliment that I have ever gotten. To be perfectly honest with you, I am dreading tomorrow. I love these women! I am going to miss them greatly. Yes, we will meet on facebook and call each other from time to time......but it just isn't the same as seeing them for a week every month. Getting calls and emails from them every day........these women feed my soul.  I don't want to say goodbye to them tomorrow! :(

It really is another loss on top of the loss of my Dad.

Speaking of my Dad......My husband asked me to send him a photo of Ayvah, our little foster grand daughter and while I was looking for one to send.....I ran across a video I took of my dad that last week that he was alive. The entire thing didn't save because here was not enough room on my phone to save....but I actually have a video of him. I had my hand over the mic, so the sound is very garbled......but I can see his body movements and facial expressions......

I think it is how this seems to work. You simply run across something that takes you by surprise. Most often it is a happy surprise. Some have been not so happy. One of my offices emailed me about 3 patients that they were having problems getting their info transmitted to Medicare. They didn't give me names. So I forwarded it on to one of the specialist who track that program. They emailed me back this morning, listing out the 3 patients and what the issue was with each one. the third patient said
Green, Wayne
My heart dropped down to my toes...........then I thought....well there you have it, he is still causing problems even though he is dead. :)

Then.....I see this......

I would share a diet coke with my Dad in a heart beat....and I don't even drink diet coke! :)

I sent this photo to my brother Gary and my Brother Brian and I said...sometimes it is just the small stuff..........Brian texted back that he had called Sonja and got her voicemail only.....Dad is the one who that is speaking the greeting for her voicemail. You just don't see it coming....then it hits you.....and you remember that he is gone. He is never coming back.

Time to sleep......tomorrow is going to be rough..........

September 18, 2014 - Dreaming

I realized when I looked at this photo of my Dad on my blog that it was taken in Ann Arbor outside of the Olive Garden where Dave and I had lunch with my Dad and Sonja. The thought startled me, realizing that how would we have known that this would be the photo used for his obituary?

I continue to "beg" my father to come talk to me. I dreamed about him last night. He was elusive I just remember him floating closer and closer to me until I could see his face......the face in the photo on my blog. I could tell though that his face was only there for me to know that it was my dad that I was seeing. His clothing or body was dressed and appeared to look like what I believed Jesus dressed like, I am sure another symbolic appearance to assure me that he was at peace. That is all that I can remember. I don't remember him saying anything, just him floating in straight to my face and then floating back out. I don't know if it was simply a dream or if he came to me in a dream.....I don't know.....he seems so elusive to me......I just want him to sit down and talk to me. I think I am too anxious about it. I am not relaxing into the new relationship that I have with my Dad. But I do feel that what I said to him as I sat by his grave last night, he "heard"what I said through my tears. I hope one day I can feel what his response was...............

All of my kids are coming to visit this weekend. They are bringing their significant others (except for one, Heidi can't come due to another committement) Sophia and Ayvah are coming but little Jonathon is visiting his new family in Chicago. I am excited, it will be good for me to have them around. Especially since I am ending this position and the wonderful relationships that I have built. I know that there are a number of people that I will be staying in touch with, I am just losing that work relationship where I actually get to see them regularly. The timing of it is interesting as it feels like a loss on top of losing my father. I am really hoping to not cry on Friday. However, knowing that I will be going home and my kids will be arriving later in the evening will bring a smile to my face. They are all going to their cousins wedding near Flint on Saturday and I get to baby sit the babies. Sophia isn't a baby....she is 3 and she is very smart and fun to play with. Ayvah is almost 4 months old and my dad was so drawn to her. He just wanted to hold her and bless her. He was able to do that a number of times before he died.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

September 17, 2014 - One week since the Funeral

Today after work I drove the 90 miles to Cadillac to visit my Dad's grave for the first time since he was buried one week ago today. My heart is very heavy tonight. I took some flowers, bright blue daisies in a glass vase with rocks in the vase to hold it down. I am nearly positive that glass vases are not allowed at the cemetary, but I figured they weren't going to last long anyway and I wanted to do something. I didn't realize that the flowers that were on top of the casket would be there. It was a good time for me to cry. I found myself talking out loud to him through my tears, saying things that were on my heart but I had not verbalized them yet. It almost surprised me to hear the words. I wish his grave was near me so I could keep it looking beautiful.
I KNOW that he is not there. It is fully symbolic. Almost a feeling of caring for him....I have lost that now.....being able to care for him.....but maybe taking care of his grave would help to compensate. At least it feels that way right now.

I figured since he was a big Lions Fan, the Blue daisies were perfect. :) I miss him. I just miss him.

This photo is of me and my 3 brothers (Gary, me, Brian, and Scott) it was taken at the luncheon after my Dad's funeral. This photo makes me happy. It was posted on facebook by my brother Brian so when I got back to the hotel I saw it and it just made me smile the biggest smile!
All in all, it was a good day. It is always good to have a good cry and even better when you get a photo of your 3 brothers and yourself and you all look pretty darn spiffy! 

September 17, 2014

A quick post this morning. It has been one week since the funeral for my Dad. After work I am planning to drive for 3 hours total to go to his grave. I am almost afraid to do it, but I know that it will be quite some time before I get a chance to go see his grave. I never understood why people do that until now. I know he is not there, but it feels like a point of contact. I will let you know how it goes.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

September 16, 2014

One thing is for certain, being back at work. I have very little time to "think" about things. I did find myself referring to the loss of my dad a number of times yesterday. I had dinner with a very good friend that is my counterpart in consulting, she does consulting for the home care side. We often would be traveling to the same offices and would be able to have dinner together. It was nice, because as a consultant you are like an island in many ways. So we had one last "working" dinner together last night. We will remain friends and talk via email and phone and occasionally get together. I treasure her friendship, she has been a good friend. She came to my dad's funeral. She lost dad last winter, I think we are coming upon a year. I know there was snow and I think it was before Christmas. I went to the viewing. So she let me talk about my dads death a bit last night. It was kind of her to let me rehash some things.
My job promotion is interesting timing.....or actually my dad's death is interesting timing. I am losing my working relationships with a number of people who have been very supportive of me. So I am feeling additional loss on top of losing my father. I hope I don't cry at the end of the week....but if I do.....I will know that I needed to do that. I just hope I can wait until I get into my car! :)

I brought two photos of my father and me with me. It was a last minute thought and I just grabbed them.  I remember those moments that the photos were taken. They were special moments, mainly because he was there.
 I think that says it perfectly......which of course means that I will not have anymore of those memorable moments with my Dad.
Honestly, I still can't believe that he is gone. I logically know that he is.............but something inside of me thinks....noooo....he will be there ....he will call any minute wondering why I haven't called him in a bit. I know that isn't true....I think my heart is protecting itself. If we really felt all the grief at one time of losing a father, I believe we would die of a broken heart. As I said yesterday......our body protects us from feeling it full force and allows it to come in waves.

Tonight I need to work on my dissertation. Tomorrow night I am going to visit his grave it is about an hour and a half drive from here. It is the closest I will get for some time. I want to mark it with some flowers because until we get the funeral paid for, we can't think of a head stone yet. So I want something there to mark his grave.

I hope his spirit comes to visit me when I am there.........I want so badly to speak with him......at least I want to know that he is there.....to somehow feel him being there.

Monday, September 15, 2014

September 15, 2014

"another day is done, I'm still all alone".....lyrics from a song......no I am not all alone. I do think that losing your father (whom I adored and had a very special relationship with) equates into feeling a little bit alone. I have likely said this previously but he was "my person" that person who loved me unconditonally....it didn't matter what I did, he still loved me.....basically beyond reason. I needed that person in my life.

For me, that is one thing that I am learning....I have more people like that....no they are not my father who I adored, not just because he loved me so much.

I wanted to call my brother Gary yesterday.......for some reason I just wanted to talk to him. I didn't do it because the last 2 times I had talked to him in the past week.....I babbled on and on.....I was afraid that he wouldn't want to talk to me because he would be afraid that he wouldn't be able to get off the phone......then....my phone rang.....and it was Gary........he called ME.....I was so happy.....I am learning even more....how to listen better than I babble.....and I will get better at it. Because what is important to be said.....is what the other person has to say. Yes during this time, we both have wounds that we need to talk about with each other.....I do have this blog....which helps me enormously. This is about the only time I cry right now....is when I am typing this. So my siblings.....they just need to talk (wihtout interruption from me) and have someone hear what is in their heart. I started out ok.....then....well let's just say I can do better. But you know.....he still loved me, even though I am not perfect. I will be talking to my 3 brothers more from now on.....just because. I only used to call them because I needed to give them information or get information. Now.....I just need to hear their voice and tell them that I love them.

Everyone grieves differently, not one of us does it the same way. There are many variables to this process and there is not a "right" way to do it.  The important thing is that you do it. Don't stuff it down or numb it away....allow those feelings and emotions to rise....be with them....feel them.  Don't worry if you think that you should be crying more, it may come out of you in a different way. It also may take time. I think that our bodies natural reaction to such a devastatig loss as in losing your father, is to take you into shock.....sort of a natural defense against the magnitude of grief that simply would cause you to die of a broken heart. So it allows your body allows it to come in waves. Some waves are bigger than others......I imagine that at certain times that I would normally see my father......those waves are going to be bigger. So Father's day and his birthday are two that I can think of that I can imagine a wave of grief that will be bigger than what I experience on a day to day basis. They do say the first year is the hardest. Mainly because each day is the first day without my dad.......This is the first September 15th without my dad here. I can't call him today. That makes me sad :(

PS: If you feel so lead, there is still time to donate to the funeral fund. I have been selling jewelry at the yoga studio and will go get that money to use, plus selling things on ebay. I just keep going through my things and thinking....well....I don't really need this, let's see if I can get some money for it! :) I also would be happy to make a piece of jewelry for you if you would like something like that and would be willing to pay $25 for a piece of jewelry please contact me at nursecatie at gmail dot come. I would be honored to make you anything that you would like. I make my own glass beads, but I also have a large supply of silver and gemstones!

Sunday, September 14, 2014

September 14, 2014

Almost to the hour.....one week ago today I walked into my home to the warm loving arms of my husband after being up all night with my dying father then driving 4 hours to get home.

As I sit here, tears streaming down my face, I desperatly want to talk to him. I am so thankful for the time that we did have with him his last week, but even with that knowing, somehow things still went unsaid. Or at least it feels as if they went unsaid. I can't imagine how more complicated the giref is when a loved one dies suddenly and unexpectedly. You never had a chance to say goodbye or tell them that you loved them, there was no opportunity for that.

Please know that this is a lesson that I have learned. Trust me when I say that I will be calling my mother more often so she knows that I love her dearly. I will be in contact with my brothers often and my children......I will continue to pester them as much as possible! Of course my husband, since I travel for work, I will never leave anything unfinished with him. I want him to always know that he is my rock and I love him. I want to be certain that if I were to lose any of them unexpectedly, that I at least have that. It won't be enough, just as having spent the last week with my father, caring for him until his last breath, wasn't enough. But it is better than what I was doing, especially with my brothers and my mother.

So, I have about 8 voicemails that my father left for me and it was time to listen to at least one or two of them. So I figured that I would start with the oldest 2 since I don't know when they might drop off. The first was from back in Feburary. He called to say he missed me and wanted to see me and talk to me, at least talk to me, so please call him. The next voicemail was for the very next day (I still had not called him!!!!!!) To say that he had been trying to reach me and just wanted to see how I was doing and that loves me lots.  I am sure that I had called him back soon after that. So I went ahead and listened to all of them. Some were from Sonja, so I deleted those, just so I know when I do listen to them that they are from my dad. The last second to last one is from August 19th the last time he was in the hospital and he had agreed to meet with the Hospice nurse to find out more about hospice. Then the last one was August 25th he had just been admitted to hospice and his medications arrived via fed ex and he did not know what to do with them. You know what......every single message he said that he loved me LOTS at least one time......sometimes twice. He would say that he missed me in some of them......I really need to record those messages onto something so that I can keep them forever......hearing his voice and knowing that his voice is gone forever.......I so need to hear that again for real.....but I know that I can't. So I want to keep those for when I am having a bad day and just need to hear my father say that he loves me again.

So, I have been in this bargaining stage a bit.....not in the traditional sort of bargaining....but just....begging the universe/God to bring my dad to me....just one time.....let me see him, feel him, hear him.....let me tell him what I feel like I didn't say and let him just help me to know that he knew...that he knows...that it is all ok. One person told me that they saw him in their dream. I asked what he said and this person said "nothing, it startled me awake". Another person has felt him with them. Actually hearing from them. He was with this person at his funeral and after amazing grace was sung....he said he had to go. After we sang amazing grace, that is when I gave my eulogy. I jokingly said that I think he channled through me for the eulogy.....maybe he did........I don't know where he went though.....I do hope he heard what I said........I do hope that sometime soon....I get to feel his spirit.....that somehow I can just talk to him in a way that I feel his precense, not just assume it is there......

Saturday, September 13, 2014

September 13, 2014 - One Week

In about 6 hours it will be exactly one week since my father died. My heart is heavy. My eyes are tired. My teeth hurt. That seems odd, but that is physically how I feel. The knot in my stomach, that squeezing, that has never gone away since his death.

My mother lost her husband a number of years back to Cancer. She could tell you the day and time, she could tell you how many years it has been........I never remember. I loved my step father, he was a good man and it was sad to me that he died, however, I never quite understood why my mom would go to the cemetary each year, how she could remember distinctly the last moments of his life. As a hospice nurse I understand it, I just never knew the mechanism that lead someone to keep track so intently.

I now get this. The date, the time.....everything. Our family had a misunderstanding shortly before my Dad took a turn for the worse......I went into the backyard crying.....angry at my father for always turning a blind eye to certain things and then leaving me and my brothers to deal with it alone, without him. When I came back into the house, my dad was actively dying. I never got a chance to tell him I was sorry. I had not done anything wrong, except allow the misunderstanding to happen in front of him. And then to be angry at him when I was in the yard. It is one of those moments that just sticks with you and as I sat for the remaining hours.......so closed off to everyone......so sad to the depths of my soul that my father was now leaving us and there were no more chances to communicate with him. At some point on Saturday after he had very sedate, he had a rally moment......and gave something to each of us that were present. It was either a hug and a few words, or just a hug. I recieved a hug, although that hug was long.....and tight.....as if he was trying to hang on to me so he didn't leave this world.
Now.....all I want to do is talk to him one last time......i have not stopped wishing for that for the last week. I work in Grand Rapids this week....one evening I will drive up to Cadillac and hope to find his grave......I will take some flowers.....and sit with him.......hoping that he comes to me.......

The point though is that forever more, Sunday September 7, 2014 at 1:28 am will forever remain etched in my heart and my head......You will be able to ask me how long has it been since my father died and I likely will tell you in days and hours....possibly minutes. I will never forget........

September 13, 2014

Home. I am so happy to be here. I really want to go to Cadillac and see his grave. I also want a shirt of his and a few of his hankerchiefs. I know that they won't smell like him, but they will remind me of him. I can wear one of his flannel shirts around the house.

Speaking of the house. I need to clean in a serious way. I started the laundry and then have just been going through and picking up things and putting them where they belong. Once I get that done along with getting the things I sold on Ebay ready to ship.....I am going to make a bead in honor of my dad. After that, I will start the cleaning process. Hubby will be away most of the weekend, so I have time to do things at the rate of speed that feels right to me. I did get a photo in a frame on my mantel in the living room. so dad is represented now.

I will write a post later that is more informative for you, right now I just need to keep moving :)

One of the items of my father's that I was able to have was a joke book that he loved. I am going to share a joke from the book every day......

I actually remember my Dad telling me this one!

A young husband and wife invited their pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, their young son was in the living room entertaining the pastor. "What are we having for dinner?" the minister asked. "Goat" replied the boy. "Goat?" repeated tehe startled pastor. "Are you sure about that?" "Yep" said the youngster. "I heard Dad tell Mom, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day'".

Friday, September 12, 2014

September 12, 2014 - Step 2

Take time each day to honor your grief. Set up a sanctuary in your home or in nature, a protected place where you can open fully to your grief for ten to twenty minutes every day. Using the sanctuary, gradually you will find a rhythm of entering the grief for a period each day, then letting it go and attending to daily tasks.
                  ~Alexandra Kennedy

This is step two. I don't want to get ahead of myself. However I do think that step one is fairly simple, acknowledging the magnitude that the death of my Dad has on me. There is simply no doubt about that! So I think it is time for step two.

I like the idea of taking specific time for the grief, so eventually it is narrowed down to that. It makes me think of meditation. I already know that we are planting a tree in honor of my father in our yard. This will be my nature spot. Then we will have a place in the house with a photo of him, probably the photo of his hand holding my hand and then hopefully something of his that I can hang up with the photos. I really want some type of necklace that I can hang some charms on it, charms that represent things that remind me of him. For certain I will design a new bead in honor of him. That will be the focal. Then........I will simply need to see what I want to include. I think this will provide me with opportunities to grieve and ways to allow me to feel close to my dad.

I am looking forward to getting these memorials set up. The task itself is something to focus on.

September 12, 2014 - Numbing

I feel "raw" "numb" and still in disbelief. I was driving to the West Branch office yesterday and my daughter called, she was so sad and shared some things with me about her Grandpa and the tears easily came, but for the most part.....I mostly just feel my stomach tightening like someone has grabbed a hold of it and is squeezing it, I can feel tears sting my eyes, but they don't necessarily spill out.

I can tell that I am trying to numb the grief. I want to smoke and I haven't smoked since May of 2012. That was my best numbing agent. No, I am not going to smoke. I next favorite numbing agent is sugar. I figure that I may as well use my dad to keep that one at bay as well. Having lost 90 pounds recently, he was proud of me for doing that, so when I think I should buy a box of cookies and sit and eat the entire thing, I remember how proud he was of me for losing the weight and avoid that.

So what am I using to numb? Maybe the better question first is "what do I mean by numbing my grief?" It really is avoidance technique that we all use in some fashion to avoid the pain of any expereince that may cause us pain. By numbing the pain you are supressing it, and doing that is not a healthy thing, because with this type of emotional pain, someday whatever you supress will come up and it may not make any sense of what is going on when it finally does rise.

We are much safer to experience the pain as it occurs. There are times that you need to supress it because it just isn't appropriate to start sobbing. However, in a short while when you do get to a place that it is safe to let that out, you would then allow that to come out.

It really is about being with those thoughts and feelings. About living in the present momement.

So, what am I using to numb? I am trying NOT to numb. So I don't think that I am using anything. Although I  must say that I am not fully engaging in life right now either. This is my last year in the PhD program (at least it should be) The fall term has started and I have basically done nothing yet. I have HUGE motivation to finish my program as my father really wanted me to do that. So next week I will reengage with that. I am behind as my first draft of my Preliminary exam was due at the beginning of the term. (and I already was on an aggressive schedule of completion) so I am behind, but I will catch up and as long as I defend my dissertation by May 27th I can still graduate without having to pay for another term. I know that seems far off, just trust me when I say that May 27th is like a blink of an eye when it comes to writing a dissertation, getting it approved to defend, etc......but ohhhh the joy I will feel when I walk for that degree and can raise my head to the sky and say....."I did it daddy".

It makes sense to use that motivation while I have it. Get back to yoga, keep the sugar at bay.....live my life one day at a time....not just one day, but one moment. Each moment in life is precious and when we live in the past or the future moments, we are missing out on our life.

So if anything, I am not fully living in the moments. I am living a lot in the past, or the future....that is likely what I am using to numb.....remembering my father and mostly remembering his last week (which I am so glad that I was there with him that last week) or dreaming of the future and finishing my degree, or losing more weight and how my dad would be so proud of me......yet so far I haven't done anything to get there.

I am not saying that I should spend some time thinking about my dad's last week. He hasn't even been dead a week yet.....I likley have a few things to forgive myself for or just simply reconcile with. It is part of the grieving process. As long as I don't stay there too long. That leads to the next step, which will be the topic tomorrow!

So, what do you use to numb your feelings? Some people use shopping to numb.....that is a dangerous way to numb if you don't have the money to spend! There are many different ways we use to numb and those are the most common, but it could be a number of things. We get ahead of the game by recognizing that we are numbing, once you recognize it.....you are more likely to move away from the numbing. How do we do that? I will talk about that later today........

Thursday, September 11, 2014

September 11, 2014 - Eulogy

I want to share the eulogy that I spoke at my father's funeral yesterday. I know that he helped me through it I think that I even channeld him for the humorous parts ........

My brothers asked that I say a few words today about my father, I think my family was concerned that I would take too much time….but this shouldn’t take long – ( I released sheets of paper that had been taped together so they hit the floor and it appeared that I had PAGES of things to say)

Laughter (my heart was very pleased, I know my father would have wanted laughter at his funeral)

………………… Let me start with a little story that he told me once……..

 my Dad told me once about a man he was golfing with. They were at the green putting into a hole that was near a road. A funeral procession went by and his friend had taken off his hat and put it over his heart until the procession had completely went by. My dad said to him, “wow, that was really nice of you to do” and his friend said…..”well, I was married to her for 35 years, it was the least I could do”.


My dad would want us to laugh today……………
These are the words my brother Gary asked me to share with you:

My dad was truly a great man. He taught me a lot in his lifetime. Like if you have a big enough hammer you can make it fit.
Also make sure you have plenty of caulk so you can fix any cracks or small holes you may have made by using that big hammer.

But one of the most important things he taught me was to never take any wooden nickels.

When I would go visit the 2 things I looked forward to the most was to hear his newest jokes and to get that Wayne Green hug.

If you never had a Wayne Green hug you missed out on one of life’s true treasures.

 He tried to explain to me once how much he loved me. He told me to think of the love that I had for my dogs (and I love my dogs like they are my children) he said to take that love that I thought about and multiply it by 100 and then I might be close to how much he loves me.

Dad we are going to miss you so much. We love you. We will see you again.

Thank you Gary for opening your heart to share those words with us today.
These are the words my brother Brian asked me to share with you.

Having a Dad like my Dad was so awesome.  Growing up knowing he loved us meant everything. 
 He would tell me he loved me more then anybody in the world.  He told me I would never know how much he loved me.   So when I had my children I understood the love he had talked about.  
  Being so loved and also having the humor and laughter in our life, what a combination that was. 
Dad was one of the best storytellers around.  I remember when my friends would say:  your Dad is so cool or so funny.   Some would even say I wish I had a dad like yours.  
I'm so thankful for my father, he helped me in so many ways.  To watch him love his grandchildren and give them that special love he had.  We all knew he loved us and we 
were always happy to see him. 
My Dad was so awesome I'm going to miss him and his hugs and kisses. 
Thank you Dad for being the greatest Dad a child could ever have.  I love you always.
Thank you Brian for opening your heart and sharing your words with all of us today.
As for me: I wish I could call my dad right now……he would answer the phone with “Hi Slick”! Then I would ask him how he is doing and his answer would always be “not too bad for an old, bald, fat guy”. As his Grand daughter Jennifer Riopel shared last week…..that is not how any of us saw him, not even close.

I learned so much from my father.  My father wasn’t perfect…but it isn’t about being perfect.

For him, life was about loving and laughing. He loved to tell stories and jokes and it really didn’t matter if you laughed at them or not, because he could laugh at his own jokes and that alone would make you laugh.

He loved greatly each and every one of you. For many of you his death came as a surprise. In reality his body had been ready for a long time, however his spirit and his love for us and for life was so large and so bright that it overshadowed just how sick he really was, his spirit is what gave him the fight to live. And oh did he fight.

He was not afraid to die and he was comfortable and at peace. His final breaths were labored, but he had no expressions of pain or discomfort. In fact he had just the opposite.

 My brothers and I were in awe how his brow would rise in a rather surprised look and then a smile would cross his face. This happened more than once and we imagined he must have been seeing those who have gone before him, we don’t know, but what he was seeing sure did please him.

I want to thank all those who came to visit to make his last days special and filled with love and laughter, which is just how he would have wanted it.

My brothers and I were also able to share a sacred honored moment together with him after he passed. Those moments will be a part of our heart forever more.

He is not sad right now…….we….selfishly are sad…..for ourselves because we don’t get those Wayne Green hugs anymore, or get to hear his funny stories.

It is ok to grieve that loss, but I do think that my dad would want us to continue to share what he taught us in how to love and how to laugh with the rest of the world and let his legacy live on.

My final words to my father are:

Dad, you taught so many how to love like God loves, a true and unconditional love, free of judgment and accepting of imperfections. Your laughter filled the room, our hearts…..and our world……and you will never be forgotten, you will live on.

 Just as you tried to explain to Gary how much you loved him……you take the love you felt for us and multiple that by 100….then you will get a bit closer to how much we are going to miss you being here on this earth with us.

We invite you all today to help him live on by sharing your stories with each other during lunch and be sure to laugh and enjoy the stories, that is exactly what my dad would want you to do.

Here is the Slide show set to music that I created in memory of my father. It was playing during the luncheon.
 Wayne Green Slide Show

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

September 10, 2014 - It is finsihed

I had great peace today. I was able to share my eulogy without tears ( I came close, but I had a deep resolve). Many people shared with me that the truly enjoyed it. I also really enjoyed seeing my brothers and my aunts and uncles. My Cousin Deb also came and that was good to see her again. My children were there and that meant so much to me. I didn't get to spend much time with them as I do get to see them more regularly and I don't get to see my other relatives as much so I wanted to be sure to circulate and speak with all who came to honor my father.

I also was honored to have a peer of mine come to the service. Sandy is my counterpart. She is the consultant to home care like I am to hospice in most of the same offices. So we have enjoyed each other's company over the last three years. I only had a chance to say hello to her and I didn't get to visit with her at all. Next week we are going to have dinner. With my new position I am going to miss her!

Of course the hospice workers who helped to care for my father attended the service as well. That is one thing that I love about our company, they encourage staff to attend each funeral of patients who die. It was great to see them.

My Company also sent 2 flower arrangements. One from our corporate office and one from the Grand Rapids and Kalamazoo office. I proud of our company and how they care for their employees. I did keep one of the arrangements. I also was able to get a rose from my father's casket flowers.

Ok....so all those deatails and not much about the grieving process. Let's get to that.........

I really am simply numb. I don't believe that I will never be able to speak to him again, or see him, or feel his touch. I think when I finally understand that to be true.....when I feel it to be true.....that is when I am going to hurt.  My husband ( who has been so incredible) says that I "buck up" pretty quick. That is likely true, however for this significant event....."bucking up" is not going to be healthy for me in the end. I will let this play out a bit........I continue with the first step.....simply acknowledging that this is a significant event for me. Possibly I had my major grief breakdown on Sunday and now I will keep moving forward. Tomorrow I will begin working on the second step.

I did get his coffee mug that is a University of Michigan mug that says DAD.....one of his joke books and a Michigan baseball cap that I had bought him when he was in the hospital one time. I went to his closet to find a shirt that smelled like him....but they all just smelled clean.....:(

I likely will share the eulogy with you here. I can't today........it seems a bit much to put that out here on this day.

Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts........They truly have made a difference for me.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

September 10, 2014 - "F" day

Technically today is the funeral. I still need to sleep as it is just past midnight. I have just touched up the eulogy and printed it. I think I have everything ready.....I have to be up in 5 hours to get ready and be on the road. I have spoken to my brothers every day since my father died. I am looking forward to seeing them tomorrow and getting a hug from them. I am looking forward to seeing my father again...even though it is just the vessel of him......I have no idea how this is going to go......

After the luncheon we will go to my father's home so that we can be together as a family. I also need to have a few items of his, just to remind me of him. I want to go to his closet and see if there is a shirt that smells like him......I am not sure what it will be that will come home with me.....I sure it won't be anything worth much to anyone but me......it isn't about the material value....it is about the emotional value........

I won't have time to post tomorrow until after the service. Possibly when I get back to his house, I can write a quick post. Otherwise, be prepared for a nice long one late tomorrow night.

Thank you for the strength and prayers you are sending my way........I know that I will need them.....I just need to be strong until after the eulogy......then.....there will be no walls up.......scary....but my hubby will be with me and that will allow me to let go if I need to.

I know it is real. I know he is gone. But I still can't beleive it.........