September 10, 2014 - It is finsihed

I had great peace today. I was able to share my eulogy without tears ( I came close, but I had a deep resolve). Many people shared with me that the truly enjoyed it. I also really enjoyed seeing my brothers and my aunts and uncles. My Cousin Deb also came and that was good to see her again. My children were there and that meant so much to me. I didn't get to spend much time with them as I do get to see them more regularly and I don't get to see my other relatives as much so I wanted to be sure to circulate and speak with all who came to honor my father.

I also was honored to have a peer of mine come to the service. Sandy is my counterpart. She is the consultant to home care like I am to hospice in most of the same offices. So we have enjoyed each other's company over the last three years. I only had a chance to say hello to her and I didn't get to visit with her at all. Next week we are going to have dinner. With my new position I am going to miss her!

Of course the hospice workers who helped to care for my father attended the service as well. That is one thing that I love about our company, they encourage staff to attend each funeral of patients who die. It was great to see them.

My Company also sent 2 flower arrangements. One from our corporate office and one from the Grand Rapids and Kalamazoo office. I proud of our company and how they care for their employees. I did keep one of the arrangements. I also was able to get a rose from my father's casket flowers.

Ok....so all those deatails and not much about the grieving process. Let's get to that.........

I really am simply numb. I don't believe that I will never be able to speak to him again, or see him, or feel his touch. I think when I finally understand that to be true.....when I feel it to be true.....that is when I am going to hurt.  My husband ( who has been so incredible) says that I "buck up" pretty quick. That is likely true, however for this significant event....."bucking up" is not going to be healthy for me in the end. I will let this play out a bit........I continue with the first step.....simply acknowledging that this is a significant event for me. Possibly I had my major grief breakdown on Sunday and now I will keep moving forward. Tomorrow I will begin working on the second step.

I did get his coffee mug that is a University of Michigan mug that says DAD.....one of his joke books and a Michigan baseball cap that I had bought him when he was in the hospital one time. I went to his closet to find a shirt that smelled like him....but they all just smelled clean.....:(

I likely will share the eulogy with you here. I can't today........it seems a bit much to put that out here on this day.

Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts........They truly have made a difference for me.