Wayne Green

Wayne Green

Monday, November 24, 2014

November 24, 2014

I updated my computer software and it changed the way I have my "favorite" pages set up. It has been driving me a little nuts! So this blog was visible to me everyday before, so it made it easy to click on it and write. I think about writing everyday.....but it seems when I am at the computer, I don't always remember.  I think that I also am "healing" so to speak, so I have less emotion to vent.

Yesterday I had a "talk" of sorts with my dad. No I couldn't see him....not like that....but simply a knowing in my heart.....He told me that he fought so long to not die (mainly because he was afraid of the suffering he may experience) and he really didn't know that it would be ok. He said it didn't hurt and it all went very well. This has been one of the things that I wanted to "talk" to him about. The other thing that had bothered me was in that last week........I did everything I could to make him comfortable and to be sure that everyone else had time with him.....that I never sat down with him to talk to him about the fact that he was dying. He told me that he didn't want to talk about it....and that is why I didn't do it.......he was avoiding it even though it was happening...and he was sorry that he avoided that for me (and for Sonja) that he should have talked more to us about it.

He also said that he is still going to watch out for my car....protect me when I am driving and help me when things go wrong......

I am sure that sounds weird but.....I really wanted to get it down in writing.......before it fades from my memory...although........I don't think it will fade too far.......

Sunday, November 16, 2014

November 16, 2014

I packed up the hat and the picture of my dad that my brother Gary and I have shared custody of (it is a little joke between us) He gets it for his birthday which is at the end of November and then when my birthday comes around in May he is supposed to give it back to me. I bought a wooden box at Michaels and stained it. Then I printed a photo of my dad laughing and added a script that said.....Dad, a son's first hero and a daughter's first love. and mod podged it on the top of the box. I lined it with some paper and decorated the inside of the lid. Then I put the frame with the photo of my dad wearing the hat and the hat as well as one of his handkerchiefs.


I sent it home with my son so my brother could pick it up.

I get emotional when my kids visit. Not just since my Dad died....but I always have since I moved over to Ann Arbor. They come to visit and I love it....then they leave to go home......and I cry after they leave (sometimes before they leave, but I try to not do that!) It is almost silly.....but I just love them so much.......

So today.....although I had such a wonderful time hanging out with my son and his girlfriend Helen.......I now have this heavy heart. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful that they were here and I even hate to say it....but it just is the truth.

So when I realized the hat and the photo that sat on my mantel is now gone....and the box I made to store it between its travels......I didn't get a picture of.......ohhhh.....sad.

It doesn't negate my progress. It just is feelings for today......it is all good.......and....I still miss him.........would give a lot.....to talk to him one more time......

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

November 11, 2014

I had not meant to not write here since Friday! I have been busy, however I am always busy! I have thought of my dad often since Friday. I called 2 of my brothers on Saturday to check in on them. I messaged with my cousin Susie, which was really nice. I am hoping to get together with her soon.

I feel the full gratefulness of having the father that I had in my life. He wasn't perfect, but as I said at his funeral, it isn't about being perfect. In fact.....he was perfect for me.

Everyday.....I think of him.....and I shake my head and think.....I can't beleive that I am not going to see him or talk to him again on this earth. That makes me sad to think of that......but I now have an automatic switch that takes me back to the gratitude. I am really thankful for that.

I will love him forever, I will miss him forever.....and now....forever I will be grateful for him in my life :)

Friday, November 7, 2014

November 7, 2014 - 2 Months

2 months ago today my Dad left this world. There is something stirring in me, something that I am struggling to put words to. It is something good and something that I want to share here.

I am going to give you an idea, just to try to get this out of my head into words. I will be following up on another post after I have processed more.

My belief about God is that he is everywhere, he is part of everything. He has no beginning and no end, I don't even think he has a gender so to speak........He is this being of love, compassion, light.......he is part of me, part of you....part of us all. We lose touch sometimes with this.

What I am beginning to see or feel.......is that my Dad is part of that....just as we all are......

When people say that my Dad is with me.......first, I have his memories, but he is also part of God.....who is part of me......On a soul level....or spirit.......somehow our souls know each other........not so much in our human form.....but our spirit form.

I keep holding on to the human form of my father.....mainly because that is how I knew how to relate to him in that way.......but his spirit form......is not gone......it is part of us all.......As if I can breathe him in......... I can feel him now...........

I hope I am making some sense, this is in some ways very abstract thinking and putting it into words is seemly impossible. I need to process more.

2 months is not a long time.........and it feels like eternity. My Dad was too young to leave us....75 years old is not old, but his body couldn't keep going........I will miss the human part of my Dad...that tangible touch of him grabbing me and hugging me until I knew I was loved. Kissing me so hard on the check that I thought his wiskers would poke through my skin! He was good at loving, he was very good at that and I miss that. I remain grateful that I had that in my life........how blessed that I had someone who loved me like he did and was not afraid to show it. He truly did show me how God loves me.....my Dad loved me almost like God loves me........what daughter could ask for more than that?

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

November 5, 2014

I miss my dad. You are probably tired of seeing that typed on this blog. It just is what it is. I miss him. I miss that I was perfect in his eyes. The truth is...to the rest of my family I am far from perfect. I won't wager exactly what they think of me.....but I can promise a few things.....I somehow annoy most of them. It just is what it is. It has been that way most of my life. I don't know how to change that.....I just try to do the best I can, pay attention to my shortcomings and work at compensating for them....but the truth is.......it just is what is is and I can't really do much to change what is already set in stone.

My brother Gary comes to the closests to being that person in my family that accepts me for me.....although I likely annoy him on some level...LOL! He is good to me though and I appreciate that a lot.

My dad.....I just never ever had to wonder what he thought about me....how he felt about me.....nothing....ever......I just always knew.......he loved me for me, the good, the bad and the ugly and anyone that he came into contact with, knew that he loved me like that....because he never hesitated to talk about me and how special I was.

Some days.....you just want that unconditional love....that beyond reason love.....just to sit in the warmth of that soul that loves you no matter what.......I miss that.....

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

November 4, 2014

3 days from the 2 month mark.....

This is the second week in a row that I have met someone on the plane that I was destined to meet.

Again....I am classified as an introvert....truly. I am not a fan of talking to people on the plane. Both of these people....it just happened......

Yesterday it was a lawyer. Yes, a lawyer. He was very interesting in a good way. His family is a wonderful group of people.

One thing that he said to me.....when the topic of my Dad's death came up........something he said.....as if it were absolute truth, that he knew about my dad........Some type of affirmation.......I can't even tell you what it was .....it spoke to my soul.....

People are so incredible......

My brother went to my Dad's house yesterday to help Sonja with a few things and get some more of his things that Sonja doesn't want or need.......he told me he got me something special.......by that it could easily mean....something special......like......a pen that my dad used to write with.....it isn't that it is something big or expensive....rather.....something that he knows will mean something special to me. I can't wait..........