Almost to the hour.....one week ago today I walked into my home to the warm loving arms of my husband after being up all night with my dying father then driving 4 hours to get home.
As I sit here, tears streaming down my face, I desperatly want to talk to him. I am so thankful for the time that we did have with him his last week, but even with that knowing, somehow things still went unsaid. Or at least it feels as if they went unsaid. I can't imagine how more complicated the giref is when a loved one dies suddenly and unexpectedly. You never had a chance to say goodbye or tell them that you loved them, there was no opportunity for that.
Please know that this is a lesson that I have learned. Trust me when I say that I will be calling my mother more often so she knows that I love her dearly. I will be in contact with my brothers often and my children......I will continue to pester them as much as possible! Of course my husband, since I travel for work, I will never leave anything unfinished with him. I want him to always know that he is my rock and I love him. I want to be certain that if I were to lose any of them unexpectedly, that I at least have that. It won't be enough, just as having spent the last week with my father, caring for him until his last breath, wasn't enough. But it is better than what I was doing, especially with my brothers and my mother.
So, I have about 8 voicemails that my father left for me and it was time to listen to at least one or two of them. So I figured that I would start with the oldest 2 since I don't know when they might drop off. The first was from back in Feburary. He called to say he missed me and wanted to see me and talk to me, at least talk to me, so please call him. The next voicemail was for the very next day (I still had not called him!!!!!!) To say that he had been trying to reach me and just wanted to see how I was doing and that loves me lots. I am sure that I had called him back soon after that. So I went ahead and listened to all of them. Some were from Sonja, so I deleted those, just so I know when I do listen to them that they are from my dad. The last second to last one is from August 19th the last time he was in the hospital and he had agreed to meet with the Hospice nurse to find out more about hospice. Then the last one was August 25th he had just been admitted to hospice and his medications arrived via fed ex and he did not know what to do with them. You know what......every single message he said that he loved me LOTS at least one time......sometimes twice. He would say that he missed me in some of them......I really need to record those messages onto something so that I can keep them forever......hearing his voice and knowing that his voice is gone forever.......I so need to hear that again for real.....but I know that I can't. So I want to keep those for when I am having a bad day and just need to hear my father say that he loves me again.
So, I have been in this bargaining stage a bit.....not in the traditional sort of bargaining....but just....begging the universe/God to bring my dad to me....just one time.....let me see him, feel him, hear him.....let me tell him what I feel like I didn't say and let him just help me to know that he knew...that he knows...that it is all ok. One person told me that they saw him in their dream. I asked what he said and this person said "nothing, it startled me awake". Another person has felt him with them. Actually hearing from them. He was with this person at his funeral and after amazing grace was sung....he said he had to go. After we sang amazing grace, that is when I gave my eulogy. I jokingly said that I think he channled through me for the eulogy.....maybe he did........I don't know where he went though.....I do hope he heard what I said........I do hope that sometime soon....I get to feel his spirit.....that somehow I can just talk to him in a way that I feel his precense, not just assume it is there......