September 5, 2014 - Evening edition

We attempted to fake my dad out and make him think that we had all left so he could have alone time with Sonja....I think that is how he wants to die.....privately with her. He has told a few people that he wants to die in his sleep or be dreaming. He didn't take the bait. We are thankful that Uncle Terry was here to pray with all of us around Dad.

So.....we wait. I beleive that he will take his exit at stage left some time in the night....with Sonja sleeping on the sofa next to him. It won't surprise me in the least. I know that he loves having everyone around and I don't think that he is afraid to die in front of all of us. I just feel that he wants it to be with this woman that he has loved for 43 years...in a more intimate way.

We have shared tears and laughs. It shouldn't surprise anyone at this point that each family member tells the same story....of the love that they have felt when he hugs them. Even as he lays here dying, the grip of his hand on our hand is so strong, as if he is giving us all of his strength in that one squeeze of the hand to say....I love you....and even as he has one foot in this world and one foot out.....we have no doubt that he loves us beyone measure.

I love you Dad, I will love you forever and you my father will live on for years to come through all the lives you have touched while you have been on this earth. You will never, ever be forgotten.

PS- his eyes have yellowed indicating the failure of his liver, his lungs are beginning to fill with fluid which makes him cough and that is the one thing that is causing him the most discomfort. I am watching the clock and giving the morphine every hour to help keep his cough under control. I do not want to see him suffer, that is what hurts my heart the most. Me. The hospice nurse expert. Unable. To. get. him. comfortable. It hurts my heart. Although, finally he does seem to have found this comfortable place to rest. I asked him this morning. "are you fighting to stay with us?" He said "yep" "I am giving it my all" That he is. That he is.