Wayne Green

Wayne Green

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

September 30, 2014

This is the last day of the month that my Dad died. I think it is interesting that I think about these things. As if tomorrow when it turns to October I will be farther away from my father.......

I did get his voice mail recorded onto a application on my laptop. I now need to burn that to a CD so I ensure that I have it forever.

I remember having talked to a few people about my father's health prior to getting him on hospice. We discussed how he was in denial. I saw this photo of my father the other day, it was taken at the 75th birthday party that we had for him and Sonja the first part of August 2014....just a little over a month before he died.......

I believe I was in denial about how sick my father really was. It is fairly obvious that he had ascites in this photo (increased fluid in the abdominal cavity). I think this photo shows just how sick he really was.....I don't think he ever felt "well" in the last 6 months at least. He put on a damn good show though. And....even though I knew he wasn't well.....I believed his "show"....because I wanted to.....I wanted to believe he was immortal and that I would never lose him.

I write every day about the loss of my father. Yet, some how I still think......it is impossible that he is gone.......how could it be that this man that is so important to my life have left this world? It is beginning to sink in......and I think it will just be that hole in my heart that will forever be there. I will learn to live with it and all......but most certainly that hole will always be there.

One of the things that I was able to get of my fathers was some plain white handkerchiefs. He always had one in his pocket and he used it! I always sort of thought it was gross actually....but it is something that reminds me of him in a strong way. I keep one in my purse now.......every once in a while when I am looking for something in my purse, I will run across that and pull it out and touch it to my nose.......it brings happy thoughts though....not sad ones..........

I really never saw myself as someone who would be "sentimental" about items, times, etc. Yet I find that I am almost overboard with it! I think that it likely will diminish somewhat. It likely is an attempt to hold on to him as long as I can. Although this is not living in the moment........I don't think I am "wrong" for wanting to keep his memory as close to me as possible.........afterall.......I adored my Dad.........and he adored me...........I knew this......there are not many people that we know this from......so it is hard to lose it. Don't misunderstand. I know that there are people who love me very much. My Dad had a little something special. Even my husband who I would say is the closest to loving me like my dad does......that isn't the same as my Dad's love........there is just something about that...it is difficult to explain.

I guess I just find it interesting the lengths we go to in order to hold on to someone that has left this world......photos that we carry......that we hang........items that we have of theirs that we carry....or place around.......even wear. The way we count the weeks, days and hours since we last saw them breathing.........we are holding on dearly, hoping to never forget. In reality.....we will never forget.........

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry for your grief.
    I think creating this blog will do wonders for not only you but others who have lost a loved one.

    ReplyDelete