September 13, 2014 - One Week

In about 6 hours it will be exactly one week since my father died. My heart is heavy. My eyes are tired. My teeth hurt. That seems odd, but that is physically how I feel. The knot in my stomach, that squeezing, that has never gone away since his death.

My mother lost her husband a number of years back to Cancer. She could tell you the day and time, she could tell you how many years it has been........I never remember. I loved my step father, he was a good man and it was sad to me that he died, however, I never quite understood why my mom would go to the cemetary each year, how she could remember distinctly the last moments of his life. As a hospice nurse I understand it, I just never knew the mechanism that lead someone to keep track so intently.

I now get this. The date, the time.....everything. Our family had a misunderstanding shortly before my Dad took a turn for the worse......I went into the backyard crying.....angry at my father for always turning a blind eye to certain things and then leaving me and my brothers to deal with it alone, without him. When I came back into the house, my dad was actively dying. I never got a chance to tell him I was sorry. I had not done anything wrong, except allow the misunderstanding to happen in front of him. And then to be angry at him when I was in the yard. It is one of those moments that just sticks with you and as I sat for the remaining hours.......so closed off to everyone......so sad to the depths of my soul that my father was now leaving us and there were no more chances to communicate with him. At some point on Saturday after he had very sedate, he had a rally moment......and gave something to each of us that were present. It was either a hug and a few words, or just a hug. I recieved a hug, although that hug was long.....and tight.....as if he was trying to hang on to me so he didn't leave this world.
Now.....all I want to do is talk to him one last time......i have not stopped wishing for that for the last week. I work in Grand Rapids this week....one evening I will drive up to Cadillac and hope to find his grave......I will take some flowers.....and sit with him.......hoping that he comes to me.......

The point though is that forever more, Sunday September 7, 2014 at 1:28 am will forever remain etched in my heart and my head......You will be able to ask me how long has it been since my father died and I likely will tell you in days and hours....possibly minutes. I will never forget........