September 8, 2014 - The first day of the rest of my life

I am so glad that I came home. I know that it made it more difficult for my siblings in planning the funeral, however I needed to be here. Last night was tough. I had my first real time of grieving. I am thankful that I was able to be by his side the last week of his life. In the last few days, I was more a nurse than a daughter. It was easier to slide into that role, I know those boundaries so well, I know how to take care of everyone who is present with their loved one who is dying. That was important to me, that all who came to see him and in particular the wife that he loved for 43 years was able to be with him when she wanted to and have time. I had told my sibilings that what my dad was going through, she was equally going through, only she wasn't going to die. It was important that she be almost as important as Dad. I also wanted to be sure that there was no chaos in the room he was in. I am so grateful to all who came to see him, that they all respected that space and there was not a need to "police" it. That lifted a huge burden for me. Often my siblings can see me as a bit over powering and likely a bit controlling. It is part of who I am in my professional life. Sometimes that seeps out into other areas. My intentions are never to be overbearing.....but always to bring order to any chaos. I felt up until the final hours that everyone understood what I was doing. I am not so sure about everyone and I suppose that I can't worry about that. I know that I did the very best that I could, I know that I only wanted everyone to have a positive experience and nothing more. If there was anything else that was felt by anyone. I have no control over that. My father has broght peace to my heart about this. He knows that I did all that I could and that I laid my own heart down to serve others through this and that was more than anyone could expect me to do.
This grieving process is going to be the first deep grief of my life. I loved my Dad. He had the gift of making everyone feel loved........and I know that included making everyone feel loved like they were the most loved. So my expereince with that was simply that, it really didn't matter what I did, if I stumbled or made a poor choice.....he loved me just as much. I never worried what my dad thought about me, I just always knew that he loved me. I have a natural tendancy, especially under stress to default to "no body likes me" There are a few valid reasons that I have that default and as an adult I can work with that. But no matter how stressed I was in my life, I never once thought that my did didn't love me. That default never included him. He was my "person". I have now lost that. That is a huge loss. It was really special though during these final days that my brothers stepped up to remind me of how much they love me. I feel so lucky to have brothers that learned from my father how to love.
Ok, this is getting very long. I am sorry. I do want to add a piece that I did not write. Lila Toney Fair wrote this on her facebook and it is so beautiful and accurate about my father that I want to share it with you.

One of my much-loved cousins "graduated" this morning. I am sure he is laughing, "shooting the breeze", and having a marvelous time "catching up" with old friends and meeting new ones. Will Rogers once said, "I never met a man I didn't like." If Wayne ever met anyone he didn't like, I never heard about it-- he always had a kind word to say about everyone, and when he entered a room, it was always like a breath of fresh air. Some people make their presence known by their overwhelming personality-- they intimidate, they dominate, they take up all the space. Wayne could make the room feel a little larger, a little cozier, and a lot friendlier. He didn't take up the space, he brought it with him and shared it. He was inclusive, positive, and a bright spot in the lives of all who knew him. While his immediate presence will be greatly missed, his legacy has embraced hundreds of family, friends, neighbors, and chance-met strangers who have been blessed by his laughter, his smile, and his genuine and deep-felt love for humanity. He was a true reflection of the God he loved so well. And, while his family and friends will miss him, he would ask that they continue to pass around the hugs, the jokes, the smiles, and the special moments at every opportunity, and with as many people as they meet! Thanks to Catie, Scott and Linda, Sonja, and so many others who have included David and I, and Mom and others in recent opportunities to honor Wayne and share special moments in these last few months. Those memories are precious. Our prayers are with all of you as we all adjust to this period of separation. Take comfort in knowing that it is but for a time until we see him again.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life without my Dad. I will allow time for grieving, I will be following some steps in greiving the loss of a parent and I will be sharing that here on Chasing Dad......because I continue to chase him.....chase his memory....chase being as wonderful of a person as he was......chase making others feel as special and loved as he did.......if I can even be half the person that he was.....I will have succeeded.

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