Does it ever seem real? Is it always going to be this confusing disbelief that it could be possible that my Dad is dead? I look at his photo and I just can't believe that it is real. It is in some way like he is on vacation and I will see him again soon.
My brother texted me a little bit ago and said the same thing, he just can't believe that he really is gone. This makes me wonder if that is what it is going to feel like.....always.
I understand the stages of grief well. I know that we can travel between them, back and forth, skip one.......etc. I suppose that this could be considered a denial stage. It obviously fits. Again.....I come back to.....the protective force of not feeling the full magnitude of the loss at the same time.....it would be too much to take, I would die of a broken heart for certain. I suppose it makes sense that there is some denial involved, given that thought. Honestly when I think about believing it is real, that he really is gone, it scares me. It reminds me of the night he died.....and I wrote about the fact that I was grateful that he was still with me, even though he was unresponsive. Unable to squeeze my hand, hug me, or tell me that he loved me.......but that I was just happy that he was still "alive" and not dead.
I believe that the denial stage is a very protective stage. It obviously wouldn't be healthy to stay in denial for a long period of time. I will move past denial as I am ready to. I am curious as to what emotionally will come next in this process.......however I am not in a huge hurry......
I miss him.....I miss him....I miss him......and that isn't going to change or go away........
Edited to add this quote from a facebook post by my dear friend Sheryl Seagrave:
QOTD: "I say we act like men, and bury it under a mountain of denial so deep that no one can make us believe it actually happened." - Grayson, Cougar Town.
And so it goes........
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