September 15, 2014

"another day is done, I'm still all alone".....lyrics from a song......no I am not all alone. I do think that losing your father (whom I adored and had a very special relationship with) equates into feeling a little bit alone. I have likely said this previously but he was "my person" that person who loved me unconditonally....it didn't matter what I did, he still loved me.....basically beyond reason. I needed that person in my life.

For me, that is one thing that I am learning....I have more people like that....no they are not my father who I adored, not just because he loved me so much.

I wanted to call my brother Gary yesterday.......for some reason I just wanted to talk to him. I didn't do it because the last 2 times I had talked to him in the past week.....I babbled on and on.....I was afraid that he wouldn't want to talk to me because he would be afraid that he wouldn't be able to get off the phone......then....my phone rang.....and it was Gary........he called ME.....I was so happy.....I am learning even more....how to listen better than I babble.....and I will get better at it. Because what is important to be said.....is what the other person has to say. Yes during this time, we both have wounds that we need to talk about with each other.....I do have this blog....which helps me enormously. This is about the only time I cry right now....is when I am typing this. So my siblings.....they just need to talk (wihtout interruption from me) and have someone hear what is in their heart. I started out ok.....then....well let's just say I can do better. But you know.....he still loved me, even though I am not perfect. I will be talking to my 3 brothers more from now on.....just because. I only used to call them because I needed to give them information or get information. Now.....I just need to hear their voice and tell them that I love them.

Everyone grieves differently, not one of us does it the same way. There are many variables to this process and there is not a "right" way to do it.  The important thing is that you do it. Don't stuff it down or numb it away....allow those feelings and emotions to rise....be with them....feel them.  Don't worry if you think that you should be crying more, it may come out of you in a different way. It also may take time. I think that our bodies natural reaction to such a devastatig loss as in losing your father, is to take you into shock.....sort of a natural defense against the magnitude of grief that simply would cause you to die of a broken heart. So it allows your body allows it to come in waves. Some waves are bigger than others......I imagine that at certain times that I would normally see my father......those waves are going to be bigger. So Father's day and his birthday are two that I can think of that I can imagine a wave of grief that will be bigger than what I experience on a day to day basis. They do say the first year is the hardest. Mainly because each day is the first day without my dad.......This is the first September 15th without my dad here. I can't call him today. That makes me sad :(

PS: If you feel so lead, there is still time to donate to the funeral fund. I have been selling jewelry at the yoga studio and will go get that money to use, plus selling things on ebay. I just keep going through my things and thinking....well....I don't really need this, let's see if I can get some money for it! :) I also would be happy to make a piece of jewelry for you if you would like something like that and would be willing to pay $25 for a piece of jewelry please contact me at nursecatie at gmail dot come. I would be honored to make you anything that you would like. I make my own glass beads, but I also have a large supply of silver and gemstones!