Many of you are aware that 5 years ago I donated my kidney to my father. It was on his 70th birthday, July 1st 2009. I remember being in recovery and barely having my eyes open and asking how my dad was doing and they said that he already had urine in his catheter bag. Tears of joy streamed down my face. My selfish act was successful, I was able to keep my father on this earth longer.
What you must know is that the apple does not fall far from the tree.....at least not when it comes to his sense of humor. Thus, I had them take this photo in surgery so I could send it to him every year as I figured it was going to be his birthday gift forever more. :) (I still bought him gifts!)
So yesterday during a very moving moment with all of the family that was present around his bed for a prayer with my uncle Terry.......after the prayer with my 3 children standing around me at the end of the bed. I said ....."you know part of me is dying with grandpa"....my kids had sad faces and rubbed my back and said "it will be ok momma"....and I said......"no, really a part of me really is dying with him".....*pause* then they got it as a smile broke across my face.....they were a bit indignent saying "Mom, now is not a time to make jokes like that!" I said....Grandpa would have done it! And they laughed and said...."yes he would have!"
The truth is, the small physical part that once was mine and now belongs to him...will die with him......but another intangible part of me also will die with him.....that is how it feels you know.....as if something is dying inside of you knowing that you will lose him.....and you know nothing will ever be able to fill that hole. How could there be anything to replace the giant of a man he is and the love...oh my.....the love. He is "my person". I hope everyone has a person.......when I say "my person" I am refering to the fact that he is the one person that, no matter what I do, what I say.....nothing.ever.changes.his.love.for.me. He loved me fully and unconditionally. He was proud of me and didn't hesitate to show that. I often felt embarrased by his enthusiasm about his pride in me....(the hospice nurse that came last night had come before and when i talked with her recently she said...I think your father worshiped you....HA!) That is how it would seem to those who listened to him brag about me....but I wasn't the only child he did that with.....I know that, but it doesnt take away anything from how he allowed me to feel his unconditional love beyond measure. Nothing will ever fill that hole.....I wouldn't want it filled.....I want to remember, every day that he loved me without any boundaries....he just loved me.