December 15, 2014

For the past 20 years....I have said in the course of "supporting" a grieving loved one that holidays are difficult times. Take your time, get through them. Be present with the pain. It will get better.

I really think it is interesting that we know something on a "book" level, just raw knowledge but until we actually walk it......we really have no clue what it actually FEELs like.

It feels bad.

It feels like you just wish you had one more Christmas with them. Just one more time to show them how much you love them.

I think "regret" is the worst part. Thinking how you should have done more.....shown more how important and special that person was to you.

For me, as I have shared multiple times....my Dad...loved me. I actaully don't have a lot of "good" memories of him in the years that I was growing up. At least not after my parents divorce and I was 8 when that happened. I don't remember a lot those first 8 years.....but I do remember that I was special to my dad then.....I think my mom was even jeaoulous of how special I was to my dad. Then when they divorced and a short time later he remarried..........I didn't feel like that special girl anymore. Things were never the same. Then about 10 years ago.....I did some personal work and was able to see him for who he was to me and that began creating that bond again between us. Once again I felt like I was the most special girl in all the land.

It is difficult to explain it fully, especially on a blog that others may read. Let's just say, that no matter how others in my family felt about me.......my dad was steadfast in his love for me. I never had to question that. There was never a time that you hear that he may have said something about me when I wasn't around.......all he ever did was think I was the most special girl ever in the world.

I don't have anyone left in my family who loves me like that. He was the only one. (Now, my husband loves me in the most incredible way and I have 3 children who I adore and they adore me...I am talking about my extended family) They love me, I think that they just don't like me.

I just miss him and I do wish that he was still here and I could talk to him again and get a big hug and a scratchy whisker kiss....and that I could tell him one more time.....that he taught me how to love.....he taught me how to love unconditionally..........he gave me so much......I am grateful for that.