My story for 43 years has consisted of not feeling loved. Just plain and simple, I am putting that out there. (it isn't like I haven't put that out there before) It for lack of a better phrase, is my cross to bear. I have done much personal work around this concept. I have learned to love myself in many different ways. Accept myself for the good and the bad.
As you know, if you have been reading my blog, my Dad loved me beyond reason. I didn't "know" this all of my life. There is a marked difference in memories from prior to his divoricing my mother and after he divorced my mother. And then, there is the last 5-6 years that I "forgave"some shortcomings and accepted my Dad for who he was in my life. That was a game changer that I am thankful for.
Today, the first Holiday season without my father around, I have had a more difficult time getting into the season as they say. This isn't unusual for anyone that has lost a significant person in their life. I did the best I cold though for my husband. (we celebrate with my kids in January). He on the other hand is just incredible at remembering things, researching things and just simply making sure that he has covered his bases when it comes to gift giving.
Now, before I continue on, allow me to say that spending money on gifts isn't the point. It isn't about how much money was spent....what I am about to discuss is the meaning behind the gifts.
First you must know that for most of my life, presents were not something that were special for me. (except my mom, anything my mom bought me was always special to me, I can't say why, but even to this day, if she just gives me a kitchen towel...I am thrilled....I think it is because I love that she just thought about me. (again, it really isn't about the money, more about the thought).
Then I was a single mom for 20 years and you just don't get presents on Christmas morning when you are a single mom.
Enter David Doman. I met him in 2008 and we married in 2010. He knows how to gift. He is amazing at it actually. This year he researched glass beads and bought tools that would make certain beads that he thought were cool. He bought a bench light for my studio. Let's just say, he basically thought of everything that he could have to give me things for bead making. In my stocking was my favorite chocolate and a bag of jelly beans (which are my favorite), a bunch of coins for a bunch of car washes (which he knows I love to get my car washed). Lottery tickets (which is something fun we love to do as a treat) He bought me my favorite perfume (coco Chanel Mademesille) AND because I can't take perfume with me on the plane, he bought me 2 small atomizers that are TSA approved. So you see....he just truly thinks of everything. Then.......came this
Allow me to explain. He has been collecting scrap gold as a "savings". He took this gold to the jeweler that he works with and had him make this pendant. He designed it, with the diamonds and the word LOVED carved in the front and a Diamond for the "O". On the back .....something that he always writes on my cards is ever thine, ever mine, ever ours.....and his initial "D".
What he really didn't know (or likely DID know) is that the word LOVED......has a special meaning to me since my Dad died because....he loved me so unconditionally.
Now....what I need to say is....with my dad having died, it isn't that I don't feel loved. I know that I am loved. My kids love me, David loves me...my mother and brothers love me......I know this and that fact is not lost on me.......my Dad's love was as close to "God's love" that I have gotten to.......such an unconditional....pure love.
So....I write this now for two reasons. First. My Dad would be so incredibly happy to know (and he was happy, and did know how much David loves me) but today........I know he was looking in.....and patting David on the back and saying....well done...well done. Second.......My "story" of not feeling loved needs to end today.
This is my new story........this is the true story....and I now have my "badge" to wear every day, just in case I revert back to the old story.
Old dogs can learn new tricks :) I am grateful for having someone in my life who cares enough about me to give me such an incredible Christmas morning, and for my wonderful children and my mother and my brothers. I am truly fortunate to have them. Grateful is a theme that is the ribbon that runs through this grief.........