Wayne Green

Wayne Green

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

September 2, 2015

It is a 2 for one day. Go to the bottom and read September 1 first then the 2nd. Looking back I am so grateful that I was there that week. He went down so quickly it was almost hard to believe. As you can see on Tuesday morning he gave up the hope of having the heart catheter.....he knew in his soul that he did not have long to live......and yet, we still had not discussed this fact....he and I.....Hospice nurse and patient.......nor daughter to father........and that would remain the same for the duration of the next 5 days......that would be one of my biggest regrets of the end of his life. The next 5 days will be intense here. I am reliving these days as a closure to my first year of sorrow. I remain and will forever more......missing my father.....

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

September 2, 2014

I am working in West Branch this week. It is my last week as a consultant for the West Branch office so I am fairly busy. After having been with my Dad yesterday I decided to cancel my hotel and commute from Cadillac to West Branch all week. It should only take an hour to drive, but Houghton Lake is in the middle and that is about 20 miles of 40 MPH speed limit. so it is a good 90 minutes. Tomorrow I will be a bit more wise with my time and get here a bit earlier. Sonja plays cards on Wednesday night and I think that it would be a really good for her to keep that routine. So it will be Dad and I for dinner tomorrow!

Today started out a bit tough. Dad had a coughing spell when he woke up and it took him a long time (like 30 minutes) to get his breath back. I sat with him for a bit and he said that he isn't going to get the heart cath. I asked him why and he said that he wouldn't survive it. I suggested that we let the doctors hav a say in the matter and he agreed. However he has remained very firm on the topic and realizes that it really wouldn't help much and likely would do more harm than good. On one hand I am thankful that he came to this decision on his own and in time to not have it done. On the other hand, I realize that the one thing that he has been hanging his hope on he has given up.

What does that mean? Well, it mostly just means that he is living more in reality than in denial. He is living more for the moment, in the present moment, here and now, then he is in his future. This is a wonderful place for him to be. When ANY of us live in the future moments of life, or in the past moments of life.....we miss out on the beauty of what this life offers us right this very moment. My dad is enjoying those moments.

He does want to see people. In particular, he wants to see the great grand kids. perhaps that is his immortality speaking, to see them, hold them, touch the precious gift of life and pass on some of his love to them. Immortialized in photos to show the children when they are older, the wise and loving great grandfather they once visited with.

So if you have time....if you can take part of a day and make a visit.......the next few weeks are going to be some special moments for anyone who is able to visit with him. No one has any idea when God is going to call his soul home to be with Grandma and Grandpa Green, with Spencer and Joan......only God knows when that time will come. I can only tell you that he may be closer to that time than we want him to be. We simply don't know. I am struggling to find the balance between the professional hospice nurse and the daughter in myself........I do believe that I need to set aside the professional and just allow the daughter. Although, the 2 are not so easy to seperate. I just know....I will enjoy every moment that I have with my Dad.......and hope that I have lots of those moments left........

Monday, September 1, 2014

September 1, 2014

I am sitting here with Dad and Sonja, watching Jeporady. We actually recorded a video to post on the blog of my dad telling a joke and my phone didn't have enough storage to save it. So we will try again. He has had a lazy day just relaxing. He has good days and bad days as I have said. I am going to check out his oxygen concentrator that they put in his bedroom. He said it was too loud and didn't work very well last night. I also told him that even having a fan moving air will help him breath better as well. So we have a fan moving air here in the living room.

Anyone who has ever had shortness of breath can relate and for those who have not experienced that yet, what you I hope you can understand is how much anxiety it creates to not be able to catch your breath. Anxiety is very debilitating. Being short of breath contributes to not wanting to get out and do much because you are fearful of becoming short of breath. For those of you who know my father, know how much sitting around all day annoys the heck out of him. I think once he finds that happy medium of doing what he can do and not getting short of breath, I think he will be much happier.

My dad has always been imortal to most of us. Defying the odds time and time again. He keeps fighting to defy them yet again. He is a fighter for certain! One thing that I do know for certain is that he has a very large team cheering him on!

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