*Late Entry* I just arrived home from Kansas. I didn't have a spare moment to write my blog, so I am doing it now before I head to bed!
I was excited to get home because I ahd ordered photos of my dad and family and I thought that they would be here and they were not! I really want to get my "tribute" areas set up for remembering my dad. It is the second step in this process that I am working on and I want to get that accomplished.
Before I began writing this, I browsed Facebook and I ended up reading down my timeline......I arrived at the photo I took of my father the day that the hospice nurse was there doing his admission to hospice (August 22). 16 days from admission to his death. It is astounding really. I think that he likely would have lived longer had he not been on hospice. He probably would have went into the hospital a few more times and very likely would have died in his sleep at some point.
Now....who is to say that one way is better than the other.....In this situation, my father had so many people fooled. I think that we all started thinking he had a touch of immortality......so a "sudden" death whilst sleeping really would have been more painful.
As it was......he was able to see so many people that he loved in the last days of his life. He was the center of attention....only he made everyone else feel as if they were the center of attention......those are treasured days for certain. I am thankful beyond words that I had those days with him. I still would have done and said things far differently than I did, even though I know that I did the very best that I could......I believe that there is likely never enough words or time....to really feel as if everything was said and done ......so I can't dwell on that........I am simply grateful that I was with him during the last week of his life.....I am so incredibly grateful for that.
When I think "my dad is dead" all I think back is....."I don't want my dad to be dead"..........it doesn't change anything though..........he is dead. For all of those people who say that he is with me......in my heart.....I don't think that I will tell other people that when they lose their loved one....because......it isn't even close to having him with me for real.......it is like if someone lost a child....telling them...."well, you can always have another one".....seriously...how terrible. My father is in my heart..........but he has always been in my heart. What has changed is that he is not sitting next to me telling me his newest joke.....or telling me how much he loves me..........nothing can take the place of that. It is amazing how much we learn in life when we go through this life altering events........we learn how to treat others