Wayne Green

Wayne Green

Saturday, October 25, 2014

October 25, 2014

I had a long travel day yesterday and was planning to post this when my battery died on my computer.  I found this on Facebook accidentally. I wrote this on my Dad's 70th birthday, July 1, 2009....the day that we both went into surgery for me to give him a kidney. In reality, that surgery gave my dad another 5 years to live. For me it was a selfish act because I wanted him to live longer. As I read this, I thought of how it relates to today as well.  First let's read it.

Today is the day. I will be losing an organ that has functioned in my body for 48 years. I of course am not misplacing it, rather giving it to my father. I feel great peace today and I am ready to go.

Yesterday was more at ease then the day before was for me. Although yesterday I was on a clear liquid diet and a bowel prep, so I spent much of it in the bathroom.

I thought about, and will again later today, Vikor Frankl's thoughts on the meaning of life. This is what follows:

The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living. (my father taught me this very well!) Suffering fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the size of the human suffering is absolutely relative. (My suffering is very little in comparison to other's suffering, but I am comforted by the words of Dr. Frankl when he says) All suffering has meaning. Although yesterday I "suffered" to some extent with the clear liquid diet and the bowel prep, it had great meaning for me, allowing me to prepare my body to give this gift to my father. Later today, and the next few days, I expect to suffer more, and it will all have meaning.

What more could anyone ask for, to suffer and really know that it has great meaning.

I also would like to share with you, what I have been contemplating this week, to assist me in being mindful of this process, to keep me in every single moment of it. The 5 precepts are something that I learned in training as an end of life care practitioner.
1. Is to welcome everything, push away nothing. This does not mean we have to like everything, we simply need to meet it. Nothing is static, it is constantly changing. Sometimes you must go to the dark places to heal.
2. Bring your whole self to the experience. Beneficial exchange = we must be part of the equation. Compassion = suffer with others, not suffer for others. Bring everything, fear, helplessness, bring everything.
3. Don't wait. Waiting is full of expectation. In waiting, you miss all the moments in between. Continuous contact with the experience. Jump into life with both feet. Don't wait!
4. Find a place of rest in the middle of things. We wait to rest until later (I am very "guilty" of this) There is no later. Full attention to what is going on as it is going on. Authentic presence.
5. Cultivate the don't know mind. Cultivate a mind that is open and wonders. The beginners mind is endless opportunities/possibilities. Not knowing is the most intimate and the nearest to enlightenment. This means we have to stay nearest to the experience to get to know it. Like a dark cave, you must feel the walls to find the way. Have a mind of wonder and trust that what is happening now will show us what to do next.

I think of these 5 precepts, they are helping me to BE with this experience, I really don't want to miss anything through it all.

If for some reason, something goes wrong and I move past this world today, I truly want people to know that I lived this experience, I lived my life exactly how I did, some good choices, some bad ones, but in the final analysis, I did what I knew to do and I gave whatever I could to those who needed it. Do not mourn my passing, celebrate who I was and who I always was working to be.  
So back to today and those words of Dr. Frankl - All suffering has meaning.........This is an interesting concept for me to process at this time. This suffering that I am expieriencing has meaning.......I just need to find the meaning or understand the meaning..........I am not quite there yet.....This week I have had lots of emotion that I have not been in full control of.......I know that my grief is likely at the strongest point I think it has been at, however it is coming out in ways that are not "healthy".....more thoughts on this.....and I believe that the 5 precepts are going to be part of the answer...........

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