It has been 4 weeks since my Dad died. When I say that....."my dad died" I envision that last moment with him.......watching his very last breath.....watching the life drain from his body.....it was so evident, so apparent that he left us that instant.
In so many ways it seems like an eternity since that time........and even longer since I felt his warm strong hug. I miss him. I miss him so much.
For so long, nearly 4 weeks.....all I wanted was for him to not be dead.....for it all to be not true. Now.......it feels true....it feels hopeless to wish for it to not be true.....and now I know......I have to live the rest of my life without him. It hurts my heart.....to know that.......My heart is so sad today.
Tomorrow I need to pick up what I have made in sales from my jewelry to put with other money I have made selling other things on Ebay and the fund raising money all in the same account and call the funeral home to pay them what I can. It makes me sad that my father's grave doesn't have a marker. My older brother wants to wait and get what Sonja wants. She doesn't want to make that decision right now (and I understand why) but it feels so sad to not have anything on his grave. I want to go see his grave again.....but.....I can't right now.
So I missed 2 days.....it wasn't because I have not thought about this. My intention was always to write something each day. My life has ramped up to high speed and will be that way for another year. I started my term again at school. I am in research and writing mode. I still need to find funding for this term, so I have busy work with that as well. I almost have my committee reconstituted. I of course have my new job which is lots of flying and learning new skills. We are in need of extra income, so my Etsy shop is back up and running. I am making beads and jewelry to sell. I also have other vintage items that need listing as well. Some will go on Ebay and some on Etsy. So each weekend, I am taking photos, measuring items and listing them in my store or on Ebay. Oh yes....and tryin to keep the house clean......It feels as if every spare second is consumed.
That is why this is so important. It allows me a few moments to cry and be with my grief....I loved my father.....I adored my father......and even thinking that I could spend one day not thinking of him or remmbering him is impossible. So, although I missed 2 days here......I always remembered and thought of him. It is just better for me if I can sit here and type my thoughts and feelings out......allow a few tears to flow........and know that I am fully allowing this grief to express itself.
I think I am ready to move to the next steps. More on that tomorrow! Today.........I have a list a mile long........I need to get started!