I talked with my Aunt Susan today. My heart sobbed when I shared with her how I really just wanted to talk to my dad again........not just talk to my dad, but talk to him about how he died.
It sounds silly, but as I shared during that last week of his life. I performed as a hospice nurse more than I did a daughter. It was comfortable since I know how to be a hospice nurse, but as a daughter, I wish that I would have sat with him alone.....and talked to him about the fact that he really was dying and what did it feel like and was I doing the right thing .....I just want to know that he was ok with what I was doing....
It likely makes very little sense what I just said and I wish I had a way to explain it better. I just know I feel it deep in my soul and tears sting my eyes to even think about it.....just one last time....that is all I want, to talk to him....one last time. I can't have that. It makes me sad on a very deep level.
What did help was hearing that my Aunt Susan's grief has been easier for her because she was able to say goodbye to my Dad. If he had not gone on to hospice, he would have not gotten to say his goodbyes like he did.
Logically I KNOW we did he right thing........emotions are not so easy to convince.
So...let's go back to the precepts and take them one at a time.
1. Is to welcome everything, push away nothing. This does not mean we have to like everything, we simply need to meet it. Nothing is static, it is constantly changing. Sometimes you must go to the dark places to heal.
Welcome everything.....push away nothing.